and in the end we lie awake, and we dream we'll make an escape

Kami yang kini terbaring antara Karawang-Bekasi, Tidak bisa teriak "Merdeka" dan angkat senjata lagi

2008-11-14T22:59:00.003+08:00

Roaming ada kak, masa aja nggak ada.

Gwe di Bekasi, Jakarta. Capek dehhh~ Tempoh hari dari 6th to 9th I was in Brunei.

Waduh, kepala pusing. I've been really disoriented since the start of the program. At first I thought it's only me, but as I start to talk to people on board on a more personal level, I've observed that everybody seems to have the same syndrome. We barely remember dates and what day it is and what they did or who they met or where they went or who they were with the previous day.

They may call me blur, kamjat, lampi, sengal but I can still that see everyone is actually going through the same thing. It's just that they pretend to know when they don't.

Peace is hard to find onboard, with 300++ other people running around, space and time constricted. I find myself dreading for company yet dreading for time alone at the same time. But sitting on the 5th floor deck, just behind Dolphin Lounge, smoking alone while I stare at the vastness of the sea behind the ship, my brain manages to function again. And I remember what it feels like to be normal and in closer grounds to familiarity. But the peace goes away immediately when you see step inside. It's almost like there's a spell that pulls you into a lost and confused state when you're inside.

And I'm not being cryptic. Really. Cos if you don't understand, it's because my head is still in that state. The disorientation is apparent eh? There are days I miss people at home so much, for the familiarity, but there are days I just want the captain's life. I understand now, how this is not a small feat, how it feels like to be Superman. To be just a nobody back home, but to be treated with such grandeur in all these other countries. I realize, how a person can never be exactly the same after this.

Kawan-kawan, I would like to say sorry in advance, I underestimated how hectic and occupied my time would be, so I would like to apologize in advance for promises unkept. If you could understand how difficult this kind of thing for a person so unorganized and unprepared like me, you won't take it personally.

I do miss all of yous, bloggers and friends. I wish things would still fall into place the way I wish it would when I come back, but there's a nagging feeling that tells me that somehow, that won't happen.

Okay.

Gotta go now. Tomorrow will be a long day and Bangkok is up next.

Ahhhh, gotta run. Going to neighbor's house for BBQ. Wheeheee.

Shitsurei shimasu :)

2008-10-30T00:55:00.003+08:00

Konbanwa, minna-san~

I'm tired, exhausted, never had enough sleep from the last 15 days, but hey, I'm having the time of my life so far.

Tokyo is awesome and Gunma is quaintly beautiful. Due to kesengalan diri sendiri, I didn't get the chance to go to Akihabara, but I managed to get myself dizzy in Shinjuku. Banyaknya lah manusia and the damn train station is too big. I have too little time, but just want to let you know that I'm okay, having fun and we'll be on Nippon Maru tomorrow morning. So till December.

Ada si comel di Jepun yang buat aku gedik by the way. Ngeheheheheheh. Gerramm.

Lots of love
Pourpres~

Ingrate bersuara

2008-10-08T14:10:00.000+08:00

Suatu siang aku sedang bersiap hendak keluar aku terdengar satu suara dalam bilik ku, dari area tempat tidurku. A deep, seething growl, didn't sound like from fighting cats outside, but from a spot under my table, and not really catlike, more like a panther. Gerun rasanya. But there's nothing there I'm sure.

Aku rasa sudah 4 hari berturut-turut aku bangun, and the first thing I do is cry. Hujung pangkalnya kenapa? I'm unsure myself. Opened my eyes, look at the time, and then just lie back and cry.

Aku teringat, dan bagai perlu seperlu-perlunya, sebilah Saviour, tapi aku tak mahu. Cukup, tamat chapter itu. Segatal-gatal lengan aku, aku mahu menjadi lebih kuat.

Aku seorang yang gagal handle stress, kebiasaannya aku perlu a constant to calm me down, straighten things up, put things into perspective or just to cry to, because I'm dependant like that.

Tambah-tambah lagi dengan every other things. Semua yang happened the last few months ni. Aku tak sedap hati, rasa tidak tenang, familiarity is non-existant, segalanya off balance, aku tidak punya constant lagi.

Maybe, I will take a break. Till I'm feeling better. So, I MIGHT not be around here as much. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can before I leave, a few normalities before all hell breaks loose, but I doubt I have the time to, sebab aku kan procrastinator, semua ini salah aku. Aku ada a few loose ends to tie, things to settle, and being in here doesn't help one bit.

Aku sedar aku sudah hilang tempat itu. Yeah, berbalik ke takuk lama, bagaikan budak sekolah menengah semula. I hated that time, feeling alone in a crowd.

Sorry if you noticed the spacing out, forgetting things more than usual, and severe lack of concentration. I'm really trying. Anxiety and depression kebelakangan ini sangat teruk and it's really harder without the familiar things that used to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, more so not knowing who to trust with my ultimate vulnerabilities tanpa menyusahkan sesiapa. With the person I've become, I realized that aku tak layak minta bantuan sesiapa.

Ingatkah tentang the newscaster's voice in my head? It's back.

Once I begin to earn my own money, I probably will get myself real, qualified help, medicated even. I don't think I can do this anymore, fighting my demons alone.

So, till my head is coherent, or till tomorrow or till everything's over, or till the waves calm, or till before I go on my real hiatus, I'm taking a short break from here. Good luck for exams, enjoy your lives and jobs and observations, have fun and all the best.

Till further notice.

Pourpres~

My mind imprison'd keep;

2008-09-28T15:54:00.003+08:00

I am uninspired. I feel lost and without a cause. I have things to say but can't muster enough effort. I thought I care about a lot of things, but maybe in honesty I just don't, and I don't realize it. Cos it feels like another me is taking over again, while I watch from the sidelines.

Maybe later. Maybe soon. Maybe never.

In a rut, out of sorts

2008-09-26T14:23:00.001+08:00

I was feeling out of sorts earlier yesterday, so after sending #5 to school, I went on to waste some time on my own. I spent almost 2 hours in MPH alone, reading magazines and a book called "Who Speaks for Islam?" which is actually a good read. I only read some parts and in excerpts. It seeks to clarify the incongruences between the Muslim world and the Western world, by conducting a worldwide research by means of survey and observations of a billion Muslims. The thoughts and words expressed in here are nothing WE, don't already know, but it would still be a great read for us to see how Muslims in other countries perceive things and events.

Not surprisingly, this book will prove to be a shocking revelation to the average ignorant Westerners whose source of information have been proven to be biased, fed to them by the media that seeks to justify their leader's crusade to "save" the Muslim nations from so-called oppression by imposing their flawed values in the name of bringing democracy and progression in THEIR terms. It broadens perspective, and finally brings to light an almost accurate view and representation of the Muslim population in general. I especially enjoyed the What Women Want chapter, THAT would shove some hard facts to them feminist whose adamant on putting a "victim" label on Muslim women who chose to be decent.

Anyway, I spent a few hours there reading this book and some great photography and Photoshop magazines before I was summoned to go buy something for Altec Lansing's birthday. Eventhough I decided earlier that I wouldn't need anything new for coming raya, I changed my mind anyway. I just wanted one new top to match with whatever I already have.

Yes, I am aware it's not really purple. Tapi gamba ni tipu, it's not really THAT hot pink. More like magenta or fuchsia going towards crimson. Can it!

Yeay my 1st day raya's outfit. Not blinging. Memang taklah aku nak cuba compete dengan Kelantanese girls and makciks during raya. Whoa whoa tudung dan selendang pusing-pusing sana-sini atas bawah semat pin sampai 5 sekaligus, layered and comes with shiny bling-blings whoa mata aku takleh bukak whoaaahh. Whoa baju kurung ke tu? Apsal dia ada ropol-ropol sampai macam tu wow! Eh banyaknya rantai dia tak sakit leher ke kak? Whoa bulan Ramadhan mata kau hitam ni tetiba nampak anak bulan Syawal je dia transform jadi biru eh? WHOA~ Macam pergi wedding kat hotel. There is aesthetics, and there is such a thing called over the top.

Else than that, mana tak merudum sekejap self-esteem kalau jumpa this side, all putih-putih, comey lote, pretty, demure and skinny. Seb baik la aku comel dan exotic. Wakakakaaa. Oh and yeaaah dah lama tak main bunga api and mercun sampai sakit tekak dek asap.

Hey, I wonder if we can send mercun to Aussie?

Argh random sungguh. My head's all over the place. Maybe lepas ni kena jalan-jalan lagi. Dah mula rasa drained again.

Drive by shooting

I love them electrical pylons.

Aite, picture time. Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant, TTDI. Majlis berbuka in conjunction with Miss Altec Lansing's 23rd birthday.

Couple #1 bersuap-suapan

Couple #2 ada yang merajuk ada yang gedik

Couple #3 buat-buat comel

Having a hilarious fit kerana kesengalan Altec Lansing dan bf

Miss Altec Lansing and her birthday cake

The ex-housemates
L-R: Milana, Misae, Batchick, Altec Lansing, Pourpres, Kambenk Sepet

Sometimes I picture all your fingers, sometimes they're crawling down my spine

2008-09-23T18:13:00.002+08:00

Tag. Aku suka Tag Heuer Diamond Fiction. Siapa nak masuk meminang adik-adik aku, tolong beli jam ini jadi hadiah langkah bendul untuk aku ye. Tapi kalau nak masuk meminang aku, sila beli Diamond Fiction bersertakan Maurice Lacroix Starside Sparkling Date Watch. Sekian terima kasih.

Bagaikan virus yang menular, I was hit by the tag fever too, courtesy of Detektif Remaja Magenta Kindaichi. Awww sho schweet. 15 random facts about me. Kalau ada fakta berulang I would like to apologize in advance, kapasiti memori aku belum diupgrade lagi.

1.
Dari tahun 2001 sehingga 2008, aku sudah tukar pakai 9 atau 10 bijik handphone. Aku memang suwey dengan handphone sebab aku pelupa, careless, dan sengal. Tertinggal di fitting room, dicuri di surau, jatuh dari tingkat 4, mangsa pickpocket di Petaling Street/Pudu, kebiasaannya tertinggal somewhere and menjadi mangsa orang yang tak jujur. Orang-orang begini aku sumpah dia kemalangan dan mati bergelumang dalam tahi mereka sendiri.

2.
Aku suka bau duit baru. Kebiasaan kalau aku baru dihulur duit elaun, atau baru draw duit dari ATM, or dapat duit raya, aku akan hidu dahulu sebelum disimpan. Mak aku marah katanya buruk perangai, tapi I can't help it. Duit yang buruk diterima dari mamak tak akan di hidu ye.

3.
I'm a collector. Okay fine, some would call me hoarder but I call it collecting. I collect chopsticks, keychains, fridge magnets, foreign and old currencies, watches, perfumes and cameras. I will always keep books, mangas, Shell's Ferrari model cars, anime premiums, movie stubs, travel documents, notebooks, sketchbooks and birthday cards.

4.
I get my music from TV series. I watch something, I hear something I like, I'll find it. It's great really, that's how I get stuff like Loquat, Trespassers William, Susie Suh, The Watson Twins, Ryan Adams, Michael Tolcher, Red House Painters, Rilo Kiley, The Postal Service, The Flaming Lips, Bloc Party, The Shins, Interpol, Cary Brothers, Kate Havnevik, American Analog Set, Cat Power, Sia, Explosions in The Sky and Butterfly Boucher. The rest comes from friends like M83, Mogwai, Sigur Ros and The Perishers and a I go to a Mix CD community on LJ for more obscure choices. It's rare that I download a whole album, or care to find out background details of the artistes as to how they look like, or whatever. Because I like the songs, not the people singing it. I don't like assigning a face to a voice I like, it spoils things. Antara faktor I don't frequent Youtube.

5.
Aku rabun jauh. Power contact lenses aku 425 for each eye. And I still have difficulties reading signboards while driving. I sleep with my contact lenses on, I probably have even worn a pair for as long as 3 months without taking them off. One time I drove wearing only 1 contact lens, just in my right eye and scared the shit out of my friend yang jadi passenger when she saw me steering through the traffic at SS 15's roundabout with one hand over an eye.

6.
I'm not scared of heights, but aku sangat sangat gayat dan seriau bila naik flyover tinggi-tinggi, lagi-lagi if the flyovers have sharp turns. Example of flyovers yang boleh buat aku lemah jantung, the one heading to Cyberjaya, the one yang sangat tinggi dari Subang Jaya ke Sunway, the ones heading to UIA, and such. I kept on imagining the car losing control and steered its way through the barriers and flew over it then crashing on the roads below and if this happens, confirm aku mati.

7.
Aku perlu sekurang-kurangnya 30 minit untuk mamai bila bangun tidur, and time tu aku antara dengar tak dengar, ingat tak ingat akan keadaan sekeliling, kalau orang keliling cari pasal memang kena maki. And kebiasaannya time aku sudah mula menjawab soalan orang tu, aku sebenarnya belum sedar lagi, and time tu aku sangat honest. Aku pernah mengangkat telefon, berborak, janji nak berjumpa orang, maki orang, menjawab apakah password laptop aku, dan bercerita tentang mimpi, tapi semua pun aku tak ingat kalau bukan diingatkan oleh orang yang bertanya/mendengar. Bahaya indeed, one time I almost pick up The Bastard's phone, girlfriend dia telefon, and just before I answer it, he realized it and snatched the phone away. Oh well, kantoi juga eventually. Amongst anime people, this condition is called, AB blood type.

8.
Aku suka mandi hujan. Dari dulu sampai sekarang. Baru haritu aku mandi hujan pukul 3 pagi, berbaring di porch pandang langit. Dengan harapan dapat wash away semak-semak dalam hati. Tapi angin terlalu kencang aku pulak tak tahan sejuk. Menggigil sampai sakit gigi. Takpe, lain kali.

9.
I love eating Koko Krunch. Especially for sahur. Dulu lepas SPM, aku duduk rumah, tak bekerja, tidur sampai petang, aku hanya akan bangun makan Koko Krunch before staring at the TV sampai aku tidur semula. Ape point? Walaupun aku tak buat apa, I didn't gain weight sebab I only ate Koko Krunch.

10.
Aku bercakap dengan orang aku akan maintain eye contact. Maka aku jadi sangat pantang orang yang bercakap dengan aku tak maintain eye contact. But I've come to learn that setengah orang are just plain ~~cacat~~ different, doesn't mean they're not interested in the conversation or they're being disrespectful and rude.

11.
I don't have any kind of stat counter di blog aku. I wouldn't know how many hits, dari mana, pukul berapa, guna browser apa, what search terms used, anything lah. I just don't find it necessary to know if people are reading or not. If they want to make their presence known they can just leave a comment kan.

12.
Aku ada bad habit kopek bibir. Luka berdarah-darah pun aku masih akan kopek selagi aku tak rase licin and free from dried bits. Rasa darah sendiri adalah sangat sedap by the way. Kalau dah luka berdarah, aku akan tekapkan dengan tomato sejuk dan enjoy the pain that shoots up sambil gigit tomato sejuk yang masam itu. Yes, I am aware of my masochistic side. Aku suka direnjat oleh that stupid pen yang digunakan to play pranks on people juga.

13.
I have this crazy fear of rejection. Sebab tu tak pernah job hunting, or admit suka anybody. If I like anybody, I'll just kill the feeling. And most of the times the fear is rational. Sometimes it works out okay. Jobs come to me. Men come to me. But I know I've gotta change that soon.

14.
Waktu muda-muda dulu I tell myself aku hanya akan kahwin dengan a chef, who plays drums, and are into cars serta drives like a demon. Kerana aku tak reti masak tapi suka makan, so aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang suka masak. Kerana aku suka drum tapi tak reti main so aku kena kahwin dengan drummer. Kerana I get all hot and bothered when tengok orang main drums dengan hebat turut menjadi faktor. Kerana aku suka fancy pretty cars and kalau laki aku pun kaki kereta maybe dia boleh bagi aku bawak juga. And also cos I get hot and bothered tengok a skilled, fast and sleek driver in action turut menjadi faktor. Dan kerana semua ini jarang sekali wujud in a guy altogether, aku mungkin takkan kahwin anytime soon.

15.
Walaupun aku cepat bosan dan tak suka keadaan menjadi stagnant, aku sangat tak suka benda yang aku gemar stopped being something consistent. I need it to be a constant. Kebiasaannya on food. Like beriani, and nasi ayam mak aku. Kalau mak aku adventurous dan ubah recipe sikit, aku takkan boleh makan. Or Subway Melt. Or Dave's Deli's Saltin Boca.

Sorry, I don't really have the knack to shorten my pieces, kalau mata berpinar and jari sakit, it's Magenta's fault :p I'm tagging Azroy Bin Jeff, Pearlicia, Kambenk Sepet, Fouad Al-Hazred and Her Possumness.

September came too soon

2008-09-23T04:49:00.001+08:00

Kalau lah lelaki boleh belajar jadi macam ini, takdelah aku ni jadi orang yang roll my eyes bila orang tanya bila nak kahwin macam tanya aku bila nak dapat kanser. Aku mungkin lagi gatal nak cari calon adalah. Haha.

"my husband really admirer your artwork since he was studied until now."

Ngahahahaha dah lama tak baca benda kelakar. Kalau tak reti nak tulis in English, tulis sajalah dalam BM. Teringat aku tentang a fellow blogger, but itu cerita lain hari.

Kebelakangan ni asyik teringat datuk aku. Tokwan. Maybe sebab nak raya kan. Tapi raya tahun ni balik Klantan. Huhu. Dah lama gila raya tak balik Ipoh. Memanglah raya di Klantan lagi meriah dan rasa macam raya, sebab raya kat Ipoh kan ke macam beraya kat sini juga. Pergi tengok movie, bantai tidur seharian, atau pergi lepak kedai minum or mandi air terjun. Tapi rindu jugak la sepupu belah Kedah, kalau berkumpul ramai-ramai memang best, macam ade sekali ni mereka buat barbecue waktu raya. Dem jeles gila.

Atuk aku ni, orang Negeri Sembilan asalnya. Kahwin, dapat seorang anak, cerai. Kahwin pula dengan nenek aku yang super comel, asalnya dari Kedah, dan buat baby sampai 9 orang. Dulu aku mati-mati ingat atuk aku pun asal-usul Kedah, sebab loghat memang Kedah habis, loghat nogoghi memang haram jadah tadak. Nenek aku dah basuh cukup-cukup. Haha.

Atuk aku ni, bekas polis, garang nak mampus. Jenis garang yang dia jeling/tenung saja, semua macam dah nak terkucil. Selalu yang kami kena marah is bila main bergayut dekat pintu grill that swings out tu. Or bila dia suruh tutup TV tapi bebudak ni tak nak tutup juga, dia just datang cabut suis(yang tinggi position dia), and semua just diam tak terkata. Sebab kalau merengek kena marah lagi. Haha. Tapi dia juga baik dan rajin melayan cucu-cucu yang ramai ni. Kadang-kadang dia biar saja orang nak panjat bahu dia waktu dia duduk santai atas sofa. Or dia jadikan paha dia bantal untuk budak kecil nak tidur sambil dia membaca.

Atuk aku ni, dulu waktu zaman mak aku kecil, agak pandang harta dan pangkat punya jenis. Bila pakcik aku, Uncle #2 nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati dia tak benarkan, sebab yang perempuan tu bukan dari keluarga yang berada. Padahal dah sekufu la tu, atuk aku ni pun family orang susah. Tak lama kemudian Uncle #2 bercalon baru, atuk aku suruh kahwin sebab anak lord la juga minah tu. On the morning of his wedding day, pengantin perempuan dah tunggu, tetamu dah sampai, semua orang kalut. Uncle #2 tak dijumpai. Tetiba polis sampai. Bercakap dengan datuk aku, sejurus kemudian datuk aku tepuk dahi, dan jatuh terjelepuk.

Pakcik aku masuk lokap, kantoi dadah di sebuah kelab malam(lebih popular dengan panggilan disko zaman tu) the night before. Memang la tak jadi kahwin kan. Mesti la malu si pengantin perempuan tu, takkan bapanya si orang kaya nak bagi juga anaknya kahwin dengan si penagih kan. Tuhan bagi cash. Datuk aku dah jadi orang tak pandang harta sangat. Nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati, sila lah. Asalkan kau happy.

Atuk aku ni, zaman mak aku kecil, jenis yang sangat demand tinggi. Makanan kalau tak panas tak mahu makan. Pakaian kalau tak bergosok dia takkan pakai. Sampai seluar dalam pun kena gosok kalau tak, dia commando la gamaknya. Mak aku cerita, nenek aku layan macam atuk aku ni raja. Bertakhta kalau di rumah memang tak perlu buat apa-apa. Lampu padam, nenek aku yang kecil pendek tu yang tukar mentol sendiri. Nenek aku lah yang akan buat tempat sidai baju sendiri. Datuk aku hanya bekerja dan balik memang santai gila semua benda nenek aku uruskan. Superwoman kan.

Beza gila dengan bapak aku. Bapak aku sampai satu time tu, baju kami semua dia yang cuci, sidai dan lipat. Baju dia gosok sendiri, kadang-kadang bapak aku yang masak dinner(which is always spaghetti/linguine bolognese). Kami semua tak reti nak tukar mentol (aku reti tapi takut kena renjat).

Yang ini semuanya dipetik daripada memori mak aku dan Uncle #5, cerita-cerita lama. By the time zaman aku, atuk aku dah tone down. Masih strict dan garang. Especially on education. Setiap kali balik Ipoh, dia bukan tanya khabar sihat ke tidak, dia tanya result last peperiksaan. Kalau tak cemerlang siap ah, memang kena duduk situ dengar dia membebel, kekadang kena marah.

One time, it was apparent that I was annoyed with his nagging, he said, "Aku marah sebab aku sayang hang, kalau tak sayang aku tak marah, tak kisah keputusan hang lagu mana." Oh, macam tu ke. Lerr, mana orang nak tahu. Nasib baik ah juga, sekolah rendah memang cemerlang lah result aku sebab aku takut kena marah. Dia takkan bagi hadiah, dia cuma puji, bagaikan mengingatkan aku that it is my responsibility dapat good results, bukannya sesuatu that needed explicit rewards baru dilakukan.

Dalam 40 lebih sepupu aku, ditakdirkan aku seorang yang lahir tahun 85, maka aktiviti compare brains dengan cousin ini kurang dilaksanakan pada aku compared to others. Chist. Kalau tak memang selalu nama aku disumpah sepupu-sepapat aku.

Atuk aku ni, dia suka main game bangang dengan kami. One example is, dia akan himpunkan kami beramai-ramai and main trivia merepek.

"Siapa cucu aku, angkat tangan angkat kaki."

Semua pun akan jadi lebih kurang macam anjing, on our backs, feet and hands flailing in the air. Ada juga yang gagal mengangkat tangan atau kaki dengan complete.

"Hmpfth, hang cucu Tok hang, bukan cucu aku", dan buat muka konon-konon menyampah. Haha, macam sial je. Tapi kira time tu siapa yang dilabel cucu Tok memang tak cool ah.

Lain-lain game is game menguji memori.

"Kalau hangpa pandai, cucu laki-laki aku ada berapa, cucu perempuan ada berapa? Haa, jawab cepat-cepat, sape tak dapat jawab dia cucu Tok!"

Ha kira la dari Aunty #1 punya anak sampai sampai Aunty #9. Kalau seorang anak hanya 2 orang je ke tak apalah. Ini semua sekurang-kurangnya 4 orang anak.

"Ada berapa cucu sekolah menengah?"

"Ada berapa yang sekolah rendah?"

"Dari hospital sampai sini ada berapa tiang lampu?"

"Siapa tak dapat jawab dia cucu Kelantan/Terengganu/Johor/whichever the other gramps are."

Malam-malam, when all of us bergelimpangan tidur di ruang TV dan ruang tamu, sesekali atuk aku akan tidur di luar juga, because he lets one of my aunts/uncles have the master bedroom bila ramai sangat yang balik Raya sana. It has become a norm, for him to recite ayat Quran as he was going to sleep, half asleep. I remember how we slept bertemankan ayat-ayat Quran, and even though I didn't understand a thing, the sound of it, his voice, in the dead of the cool night, amongst orchestra-like snoring from the mass of bodies on the floor/sofas and occasional sounds of cars driving by, it was one of the few moments in life I remember of being in such extreme peace, a kind of high, feeling safe and content.

Atuk aku ni, dia sangat suka minum kopi. You know, that kampung punya kopi yang pekat lagi best tu. Aku suka betul kalau dia minta nenek aku buat kopi tu. Aku pun dapat tumpang sekaki.

I really miss all that.

Atuk aku ni, perokok tegar. Fakta ini aku ingat hanya samar-samar, kerana dia jarang sekali merokok dalam rumah when we, the grandkids are there. One day, as he was gardening, he fell into the drain outside the house. He hurt his leg. It was swollen like hell, it couldn't get better. I didn't quite understand it back then, something about his liver was already damaged, and his wound couldn't heal because of the damaged liver. The liver damage then became more serious as months go by. When I visited him in the hospital he had looked his best, with unshaved scruffs, his messy white beard and moustache, I think he looked good like that. He had lost some weight but otherwise he seemed okay, the least garang and that was the fondest memory of him, smiling at me, at us in such pride.

Till it finally came the time that the doctor said, it's best that you bring him home, there's nothing more we can do for him.

In his deathbed, he kept on calling for my grandma. Whenever my grandmother's not by his side, he would start crying out, "Chik...chik." My grandmother would come, hold him in her arm as he held her tight in embrace before he calms down again. It hurts me seeing him in pain, lying there not entirely lucid of the people around him. The house was constantly full of people visiting and reciting Yasin, we barely have anywhere to sit at times.

One day, 22nd September 1999, my mom picked me up after school.

"Tokwan dah meninggal tau. Baru tadi Around maghrib."

I just sat still. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I wasn't shocked. We knew he was leaving us. But I couldn't even muster "Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un". There was no pain, no feeling reacting to the statement, none absolutely.

Until I went to my aunt's place, to where he was. To see him lying there but knowing he's not there. Pale and finally at peace, I finally realized that this was actually happening. He ceased to exist. One of my reason for existence, had simply stopped existing.

I trembled in uneasiness but I wanted to kiss his forehead one last time anyway. I hated it, cos he was cold, and smelt very nice. I didn't want that to be the last feeling imprinted on me of him. He was supposed to be warm, to smell like his usual self, of some aftershave and faint smell of cigarettes. THIS wasn't him.

He had a nice spot under the tree. It was a beautiful, breezy, cloudy day. I don't remember much of that day but me leaning on my elder brother's shoulder, saying goodbye in silence. But I do remember us, the legacy he left behind, laughing and reminiescing afterwards, all the great, garang, hard-assed and funny things my grandfather was. It was funny really, all of us red-eyed, bengkak dan teary but laughing at my uncle and aunties retelling of anecdotes of the old man we call Tokwan.

Al-Fatihah. To Tokwan, and to arwah Khairil Azrul, who died too young, on 17th September 2002.

Your reckless heart, you know you got it. Into the past, I try to sort it

2008-09-20T09:00:00.003+08:00

i.

Cheit, tak berapa lama selepas Magenta buat entry ini, aku kena dengan mak aku lagi. Biasa la ibuku si pengkritik/tukang ukur banding.

"Owwwh, tang nak pi terawih, pening kepala. Nak keluar ni pandai plak pening tu sihat?"

"Tuh ah, pandaikan pening ni, mak. Memula dia buat hal, lepas rilek lelama dia okay."

"Ni nak keluar je, tak boleh ke bulan puasa jangan buat macam bulan lain."

"Tak buat macam bulan lain pun, buat macam bulan puasa lah."

"Mak tengok anak aunty Jiran J10 (bukan nama sebenar) hari-hari je pergi terawih."

Telinga dah mula nak panas. Cukup pantang kalau keluar ayat sebegitu.

"Mak belum tengok anak aunty Jiran K3(bukan nama sebenar), batang hidung tak penah nampak kat surau ha."

"Jangan la compare ngan yang tak elok."

"Tak compare aih, cakap je, at least Pourpres pergi la gak kan? Belum tengok anak orang lain kan."

Lari turun cepat-cepat. Kalau aku himpunkan kisah-kisah jadi anak sulung yang tak pernahnya buat secukupnya, tak pernah diappreciate, boleh buat satu entry yang berpinar mata orang nak baca dan lenguh jari nak scroll. Akan datang lah.

ii.

Kenapa aku awesome?

Siapa kata kau awesome pun?

Diam ah. Aku tahu aku awesome. Aku awesome kerana...

3 pasang kasut/strappies/selipar Nose yang baru.

Harga asal = RM 59.90+RM 59.90+RM 39.90

Duit yang keluar dari poket aku = RM 10+RM 10+RM 10

Macam shopping kat Uptown. Seronot neh. Ngahahahahaha.

iii.

Weekend ini aku terpaksa melepak sama belia lagi. Kemungkinan akan praktis menari sampai 4 pagi lagi dan kemudiannya menjadi mangsa banjir tidur bergelimpangan lagi kerana tidak larat nak ke tingkat 3 lagi. Mati la aku dah lupa semua step nak menari, kena marah la lagi. Harapnya kali ni belia-belia setan yang bagi aku paw rokok datang lagi. Chist baru bercerita pasal bendera, minggu ni aku jadi flag hoister la pula. Tuhan memang bagi cash. Lagi.

For the agony, for the irony, I'd rather know.

2008-09-19T22:01:00.002+08:00

Aku pun nak buat post fakta rawak lah. Tapi fakta rawak aku ni harapnya lebih berguna. Dem, suka pulak aku sebut fakta rawak. Macam menarik bunyi dia. faktarawakfaktarawakfaktarawakrawakwakwak

Dateline is not deadline. Kalau kau punya assignment kena hantar by this coming Monday, its deadline is on Monday. Bukan dateline. Okay?

Siapa ingat, in English dulu, kita belajar tentang struktur sesuatu akhbar. Headline itu yang mana, byline tu yang mana, dateline tu yang mana. Dateline refers to the line in an article, dimana sepatutnya dan kebiasaannya it states where and when the article was written, more to where than when cos the date is more frequently omitted.

Example:

KUALA LUMPUR March 27th : People gathered here for what can only be described as a jubilating celebration of...

Like I said, most times, a dateline doesn't even have a date. Pergi ah tengok suratkhabar, mana ada date. But it's still called a dateline.

KOTA KINABALU: They have become the target of intense speculation...

As we can see in broadcast media these days, dateline juga diaplikasikan kepada live news report.

"More details should be released during the press conference scheduled later tonight. Anthony Bourdain, Pourpres News, Beirut."

Deadline pula is tarikh tamat. Aku tahu ramai yang tahu, cuma terconfuse between the two. Nak ingat senang, kalau kau tak hanta by the aforementioned time, maka kau akan mati. Mati. Dead. Deadline. Line dimana kamu akan mati. Boleh?

Ini aku notice, banyak dok oh yang membuat this error. Melana tau. Sampai rasa nak jentik dahi orang-orang ini semua. Tapi jangan risau, yang bijak pandai baca buku hebat-hebat dan pointer tinggi-tinggi pun tetap buat kesilapan ejaan ini. Hey, ada journalist juga buat silap ini tahu?

Alang-alang, it's definition, not defination. Maka bahasa Malaysia equivalent dia, I believe should be, definisi, bukan definasi, but tak tahu la, aku tak ada dictionary BM, so kalau aku salah tolong betulkan.

Yang lain punya error aku tak kisah sangat. Tapi urat dahi aku akan menjelma jika aku lihat deadline disalahejakan sebagai dateline. So now that you know, selamatkanlah dahi kamu daripada dijentik.

Ini pun boleh dikira deadline ke?

This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

2008-09-18T21:58:00.000+08:00

Aku sebenarnya seboleh-boleh tidak mahu menulis tentang politik. Selain dari kerana tidak berminat nak mengunjung kontroversi, aku juga tidak mahu mewujudkan suasana di mana orang melabel aku seperti ini atau seperti itu kerana sesuatu pandangan aku., ataupun menimbulkan jurang antara aku dan orang-orang comel yang membaca repekan aku. Yes, of course, it's also because I am not well-versed in it, aku baca nama-nama tetapi jarang-jarang sekali aku tahu hujung pangkal as to who they are in the political scene. Aku memang payah sikit title-title ni. Kalau aku jumpa sebarang tokoh politik pun aku takkan sedar.

Ye, bab kalau kau tanya, hey, what handphone should I buy if I have the budget of RM 700 to RM 1300, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, kau lagi suka Pax Vikedal atau Hopen wardrobe, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, apa pendapat kau tentang the Kashmir dispute between India and Pakistan and how best you think we should resolve it, I still probably can answer.

Tetapi, aku nak bersuara, kerana kebelakangan ni aku SUKA baca mamat ni. Lepas sahur tadi aku terlihat lintasan berita ringkas, blogger Syed Azidi Syed Aziz was arrested last night under the Sedition Act. What is this, another crackdown? According to The Star, he was arrested and is under investigations for instigating that Malaysians should fly our flags upside down, symbolising how our nation is in distress. What? That's it? Really meh that is WHY?

Sure, many will agree that it's disrespectful, but he doesn't mean disrespect. Apa yang lagi disrespectful terhadap negara adalah orang yang tidak menjalankan tanggungjawab. The people yang telah mengangkat sumpah terhadap negara, tetapi sedang bersenang-lenang whilst the people they swore to represent are feeling unspoken for.

Kita terlalu taksub with symbols and logos and pictorial representations of what we are. Itu yang marah semuanya dengan tindakan Sheih Kickdefella raising the Malaysian flag upside down. Terlalu literal kita ni. Yeah la, semua kan jiwa puitis halus, lebih senang melabel sesuatu pada perkara-perkara simbolik, untuk menjadi representation sesuatu yang zahir. Sehinggakan yang zahir sebenarnya sudah menuju hancur luluh, tapi bagi mereka tak mengapa, yang penting yang simbolik lagi perlu dijaga. Secara halus yang kita tidak lihat? The disrespect and betrayal dari golongan pemimpin yang supposedly bekerja FOR us, kini telah ditunggang terbalikkan sehingga rakyat yang bekerja for them, for their families, kita lihat tak?

Nak anti aku anti lah, aku memang bukan antara mereka yang patriotik, yang pandang tinggi akan panji-panji kebesaran negara, bagi aku bendera itu hanya sehelai kain yang melabel dan beza-bezakan nation. Adakah ini bermaksud I'm disrespectful towards my home country? Menghina negara? If I put on display a cute little flag sebesar tapak tangan aku, does that mean aku memperkecilkan Malaysia? If I am one of those people yang meletakkan bendera pada hood kereta sehingga hampir hitam bendera itu, adakah aku dikira rakyat yang mencemarkan negara? Bendera di tiang lampu tergantung tidak kukuh, jatuh ke atas jalan dan aku sebagai pemandu hanya mampu menggilis bendera tersebut dengan tayar aku yang memang dah sehitam rambut aku, am I supposed to go, "Shit! Aku telah menggilis negara dengan tayar kereta aku! Damn!"

Ramai yang bersuara mengatakan, daripada buat begini kepada bendera tercinta, baik syorkan kita terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah, sebagai tanda kita semua mahu dia step down. Bendera diterbalikkan itu dibuat dengan laungan, the nation is in distress. Terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah? Orang tua itu bukan in distress. Dia, suku-sakat dia, kroni makaroni dia; banyak duit, kaya-raya, tak reti malu, manade in distress?

Again, sebelum ada yang nak go all emo, an upside down flag is a sign that the nation is in distress. Kekacauan, huru-hara, anarki. Ya, Malaysia tidak se-distressed negara-negara yang sedang berperang, countries in famine and plagues, economy in shambles, tapi yang semua nak mengamuk over bendera dia nak terbalikkan ni awatnya? Itu cara dia melaungkan protes, kau nak cara lain buat la cara lain, tak perlu kata yang dia ni jahat kerana konon-kononnya ini suatu penghinaan kepada negara.

Apa makna bendera tu tegak berkibar sekalipun if we're in this current state? Penyalahgunaankuasa and corruption are rampant, basic human rights are being violated left and right, undang-undang are only to be enforced towards certain people, and are free to be ignored by other certain people, inflation on the rise, cost of living is getting higher not intercorrelating well with the level of income, education is still sub par, too many are still not able to school their children, and the biggest issue yang orang kita risaukan hanyalah Malay Supremacy dan bendera terbalik? Apakah?

Menurut kata Encik Wikipedia mengenai Sedition Act; the act criminalises speech with "seditious tendency", including that which would "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against" the government or engender "feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races".

So I'm sure this falls under "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the government." Sebengap-bengap aku, I remember a certain somebody who definitely did "engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races" dengan racist remark dia (Aku takkan gunakan beliau jika aku tidak rasa perlu). I also recall another certain somebody yang offended many just by a flagging a keris, but heck, kita kan di Malaysia, Malay supremacy adalah antara hak yang terjaga in the Constitution. Kita tak boleh kacau. Dia nak offend and engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races tak apa sebab dia ultra-man. So saya yang super bengap ni nak tanya lah ya, adakah mereka ni ditahan under Sedition Act? Dimanakah mereka rasa-rasanya?

“Di dalam peperangan, kita masih menganggungkan betapa hebatnya tukang bawak bendera berjaya mempertahankan panji-panji kita megah berdiri di medan peperangan dan bukannya betapa hebatnya pandekar-pendekar kita berlumuran darah mempertahankan nyawa anak bangsa dari menjadi korban.”

Kamu tahu kamu semua ni bagaikan apa bagi aku? Kamu bagaikan bapa yang marah melenting mengamuk nak bunuh orang apabila kain anak dara kamu diselak tapi buat bodoh sahaja apabila anak kamu itu telah dirogol.

I wish the best for this dude, cos he is witty, funny, not conventional, but who's to say unconventional is morally corrupt? And aku nak my reading materials back bitches!

Ini semua pendapat aku, yang ilmu pengetahuan serba cetek. I'm no journalist. I'm entitled to my own opinion. Bersuara adalah digalakkan, tapi sila bersuara elok-elok dan sopan sebab aku ni senang terguris. Ecey. Susun ayat sebelum dimuntahkan. Kalau nak go on a ravaging bitching mode, hangpa bukak blog sendiri dan have your kicks there. Aku bukan editor majalah yang rasa aku perlu memuaskan semua pihak so kalau aku nak delete sebarang komen, ikut la suka hati wa. I'll leave you with a funny one, an excerpt of konon-konon he interviewed diri sendiri entry in his blog.

"So you think there are better politicians than Pak Lah?
I think Mokhtar Dahari deserved a Tan Sri-ship more than Pak Lah deserved a ride in our Perdana V6 with Gearbox Rosak. I think Pak Lah needs a Kancil. At least the Kancil is known to be brainy."

Cute what this guy. Hehe.

Tonight, to feel alive, we try again

2008-09-18T05:13:00.001+08:00

Sebelum-lebat okay.

i.

I have this uncle yang sangat pelik, dia suka panggil aku amoi. Kalau dia mai rumah ja, nampak batang hidung aku dia akan tersenyum besar dan mula panggil aku macam aku berusia 10 tahun. Dia akan lambai aku macam panggil budak dan kalau ada apa-apa dalam poket dia, dia hulurkan macam bait untuk budak kecil. Sometimes it will be RM 1, sometimes it will be a bunch of 5 cents, sometimes it would be used tissue.

"Lai, lai, Ah Moi arrr, long time no see, ni hau?"

"Haha, fine. Manade amoi. Sikit pun tak macam amoi ok."

"You're so amoi la, tak notice meh? Tengok muka, haa kan macam amoi." *sambil cubit pipi aku*

"Manade, tengok warna kulit sikit boleh? Mata orang besar lah~!" *besarkan lagi mata sambil betulkan spek dia takut dia tak nampak*

"Amoi ahhhh~"

"Okay dah cukup. Annoying ah. Serious plak."

*serious*

"Eh serious la ni. Awat? Takdak orang penah panggil hang amoi ka?"

O_o'

Biar behtik orang tua ni. Aku dah biasa dia panggil aku amoi, aku layankan saja, sebab aku anggap itu endearing term dia untuk aku. Tapi aku dengar tone and tengok muka dia, I see him konon-konon being serious.

"Eh hellooo orang lain tak buta mcm Uncle #5 kot, you look at your own wife and kids bleh? Depa tu ha muka cina habih."

"Hang tu, cara cam amoi. Comel pa, pesaipa hang tak suka sangat? Lagak hang, your mannerism, muka, rambut hang lagi."

"Tang mana weyh? Langsung tak. Dah ah, Uncle #5 ni merepek tak habeh, pi men jauh-jauh ah."

"Alalala amoi arr, lu jangan ah melajuk. Wa tatak tipu worr."

Bab cakap macam ni, Mama Setan and her elder brother memang sama je. Maybe because they grew up in Ipoh? Wa tatak tawu wor.

By this time aku dah confuse, ini masih lagi teasing just cos semua orang memang suka kenakan aku ke, dia ni memang tak betul?

"Sumpah ni?"

"Sumpah apa?"

"Swear you think I look like an amoi? Like for real, no joke?"

"La dak nih, betui la. Sumpah. Abeh selama ni panggil hang amoi watpa? You really don't think you have chinese looks ke?" *nada serious lagi* Kau memang hebat berlakon.

"Maybe bila gelak kadang-kadang sepet. Tu je. But definitely not enough to be labeled amoi."

"Something wrong with your eyes."

"Ek eh, Pourpres plak? Something wrong with YOUR eyes okay. Dah, perabih boreh je ckp ngan Uncle #5."

"Amoi garang nampak comel lahhhh."

"Argh!! Manade! MAK!!"

Ye, memang hobby of his to tease me. Not that aku ada masalah dengan orang Cina yang aku tak suka dipanggil amoi. It's cos IT IS SO obvious yang aku sikit pun tiada Chinese look .

ii.

Beberapa minggu yang lalu aku ke Spazio to get a haircut. Menjadi kakak mithali sekali-sekala dan melayan begging adik aku yang suruh aku bawa dia potong rambut dia yang dah macam haram.

"Lu mau macam mana?"

"Tamau pendek, just trim bagi balance, layered sket, depan ni maintain like this but shorter."

"Lu tamau highlight ka, straighten la mesti nice."

"No, I suka dia wavy, I tak suka straight and nipis tipu-tipu tu."

*senior stylist tu angkat-angkat dan usha rambut aku*

"Okay."

*snip snip snip snip snipsss later*

Hasilnya.

Macheeebaaaai.

He Chine-fied my hair. He fucking Chinesed me! He layered it sooo soooo thin at the back, he blowdried it straight. Dimanakah rambut singa ku yang bersepah-sepah itu? Argh! Now dah kembali wavy. Dan nasib baik la aku ni jenis tak suka pakai sikat rambut. Jarang-jarang sekali aku sikat. Aku kemaskan dengan tangan sahaja. Sekarang lagi lah. Mana pergi sikat pon tak tahu. Tapi annoyed tengok cermin rambut belakang sangat nipis, dan dengan sideswept bangs aku lagi lah. Aku bukan racist yeah. Cuma aku tak suka kalau rambut aku jadi sama straight dan nipis macam most Chinese girls punya hairstyle tu, dan kelihatan tajam macam boleh cucuk bebola sotong okay.

iii.

Then one day my uncle came one early morning. Aku turun salam, rambut serabai bangun tido. Aku serabaikan lagi so that tak nampak nipis sangat.

Aku nampak kelibat pakcik aku, tengah stretch pinggang di tepi kolam ikan. Dia nampak aku dan dia tersengih besar sambil menghulurkan tangannya.

"Ah moiii aahhh~"

-_-

"Yeee."

"Hehehe."

Aku tarik muka ala-ala nak fed up aku. "Ape?"

Dengan gediknya sambil senyum nakal dia bersuara, "Finally decided that you DO look like an amoi and got a haircut yang more sesuai eh?"

"..........."

*snicker snicker*

Damn yuhhhhhhh!!!

Selepas-dowh nipis ngoks

"It always seems to me that people who hate me must be suffering from some kind of lunacy."

2008-09-17T04:53:00.001+08:00

To you know who you are, good writers have a point, and wouldn't be random. I'm random. I'm not a good writer. THIS is evidence. Entry yang most likely nobody would read. But who cares?

If you watch Astro, then most likely you know about Astro Box Office. Another way for Astro to eat up our money walaupun dia dah memang bongok ambil duit tapi program tak se up to date 8TV yang free. Buduh.

Last time I really like Astro Box Office. It's a chance to watch foreign movies yang tak berapa senang nak sampai, or indie film yang aku tak rajin nak mendownload. It was better then because there were loads of Japanese movies. One notable favorite yang aku takkan lupa sampai mati is a 1995 movie, Love Letter by Shunji Iwai. That was a damn good movie yang stays with you years after. Melancholic, nostalgic and aching, exactly my kind.

If you paid attention to it thoroughly, it used to be that ABO came with collection of movies that were popular in Film Festivals. Back then lah. They will have like, 5 awesome to good movies and the rest are usually crap. But tak apa, bukan duit aku, duit bapak aku. The number Astro Box Office tu aku memang dah hafal dah. Ramai orang yang paid little to no attention to ABO, but to be fair, its collection of movies these days are crap.

But recently, you must have noticed the excessive advertising of ABO current line up, one notable one being a Japanese movie called Sky of Love/Love Sky. The moment I saw Love Sky it came to me. I remember reading about this movie. This is a movie made from a best selling novel in Japan. What's so fascinating about this novel you say? This is one of those cellphone novels that's was all the buzz in Japanese literary scene.

For the uninitiated, cellphone novels is exactly what it is. Novels typed on mobile phones. As SMSes. Text message format.

[Off topic jap]

We all know the Japanese mode of coming of age is getting a mobile phone. There are no other more robust market for mobile phones than the Japanese, especially so amongst the young. Of course, their technology is different. Here, there are no such thing as ordering shoes through your mobile phone, have it sent to the nearest 7 Eleven for you to pick up.

Especially so the Sony Ericsson ones. They save their best phones for the Japanese market. It's common concept that Sony Ericsson integrates everything Sony into their phones, like Walkman and Cybershot. They now have Bravia integrated into Sony Ericsson phones, for the slowpoke ones, Bravia is Sony's flasghip plasma TV line. One example is this, Sony Ericsson SO903iTV.

A super slim phone with a 3" Sony Bravia widescreen display, 3 megapixel auto-focus camera, software to pause, skip, record live TV, GPS navigation, and Felica cashless electronic payment system. Yes, that's the antenna for them to pick up digital TV signals to watch during long commutes.

This would be a typical day for a young working Japanese.

"His typical day starts with him checking his email on his phone. He gets all his daily tasks and calendaring events this way. He then syncs it with his computer. He pays for the subway by placing the phone on a kiosk granting him access past the gates. The commute is spent watching TV on his phone by rotating the screen. A small antenna extends up and catches the wireless digital TV signals.

About 45 minutes later, he's in Tokyo and heads to a vending machine to buy fresh fruit and water. He places the phone up against a pad. The vending machine reads his bank information which is tied into his phone. He then places his thumb on the phone's tiny thumbprint reader to verify his identity. As he makes his way to the office, he waves the phone near the door handle to unlock it. During a 10 minute break, he's flips thru a magazine and sees something he wants to buy. The item has a tiny stamp size barcode pictogram next to it. He scans the pictogram with his phone. A receipt and shipping confirmation hits his email minutes later.

As the day ends, he syncs with his work computer and goes grocery shopping paying for items with his phone. Before heading home, he heads to a bar his friend has invited him too. He uses the phone to give him step-by-step directions. The day is finally over and his phone's battery is nearing the end of its life. He plugs it in and goes about the rest of the evening relaxing before bed. "

Quoted from Tranism.

And there's been talk about integrating the PSP into Sony Ericsson's line of mobiles, and by then, Nokia's Ngage gaming phones would be rotting in no time. One impressive fan concept I'd like to see Sony Ericsson take into consideration is this one.

Okay cukup la dengan off topic. Takde niat sebenarnya nak go all rabid on Japanese mobile phone technology.

I had wanted to talk about SMS novels/cellphone novels je sebenarnya. Bongok. Love Sky/Sky of Love was originally written in text message form. Of last year's top ten Japan's best-selling novels, half of them were originally written as cellphone novels, mostly love stories written as short stories, characteristic of text messaging format, but contains little of the plotting and character development that would be present in traditional novel format.

"Love Sky/Sky of Love, a debut novel by a young woman named Mika, was read by 20 million people on cellphones or on computers, according to Maho no i-rando, where it was first uploaded. A tear-jerker featuring adolescent sex, rape, pregnancy and a fatal disease — the genre’s sine qua non — the novel nevertheless captured the young generation’s attitude, its verbal tics and the cellphone’s omnipresence. "

Quoted from NY Times.

Of course, cellphone novels are not as long as traditional novels, one chapter would have around 70 words. The 21 year old writer of "If You", had her cellphone novel republished into a 142 page hardcover last year, sold 400,00 copies and became the #5 Best Selling novel last year. Often chided by old school novelist for not having as substantial or extensive storylines, especially so coming from traditional Japanese literary scene, which are most famous for depicting scenes in such emotional breadth.

If you are familiar with Haruki Murakami, Natsuo Kirino or any other Japanese literary sensei, their style is commonly very emotionally descriptive. Take for example Nobel Prize Winner, Yasunari Kawabata's classic, "Yukigini", with its famous opening line, exemplifying exactly that with "The train came out of the long tunnel into the snow country. The earth lay white under the night sky. The train pulled up at a signal stop."

Cellphone novels are devoid of all that, descriptive emotional depiction of scenes. It's more direct and forefront, and the lack of descriptives make it highly relatable to any reader, wherever they may live. In cellphone novels, characters tend to be undeveloped and descriptions thin, while paragraphs are often fragments and consist of dialogue. But I highly disagree with the connotation that they lack in emotions, as emotions are subjectively depicted and interpreted, thus cellphone novels should have the same appeal as short stories, the thin air it hangs on to, the simple words that evoke vast varying feelings, ah you know the drill.

Cellphone novels are typically told in first person, making it like reading a diary. It shouldn't be that much different from that of Murakami, Miyuki Abe or Kirino's work, granted that these traditional novelists are of a different league entirely, given that they come up with extensive vocabulary, storyline, execution whilst cellphone novels are straight forward and predictable. Common grounds is in evoking feelings and emotions, and even though I'm being off topic again since they are debating on whether or not they are valid as novels, it shouldn't be discredited as a sub-genre anyway.

Lady Murasaki

But most importantly, I would agree with some opinions that it pays homage to the style of Lady Murasaki herself. Murasaki Shikibu, the aristocratic early 11th century figure, royal lady-in-waiting, noblewoman author of the fictional, "The Tale Of Genji", written in the Heian Period, which is commonly accepted as the world's first modern novel. Unrealizingly, most of the cellphone novel authors, which are female, seem to channel Lady Murasaki's spirit and perspective in writing, by delving into affairs of the meagre heart. Only, of course, how can these 20 something year olds be compared to the most important Japanese literary figure in history, the mysterious literati herself, whose works have been inspiration to multitudes of modern authors till today. "Genji" specifically was noted for its characterization, psychological depiction and internal consistencies throughout all its chapters and hundreds of characters.

Yoshitaka Amano's paintings of Genji. Yes, of course I want this and while you're at it, get me The Sandman one too.

But the point being, I don't entirely agree with the notion that cellphone novels contribute to hasten the downfall of Japanese literature. It's a great way to start as an author, sheer simplicity in evoking feelings and emotions should come first, then polished with better and more accurate vocabulary, superior grammar, quality of execution, extensive development of characters and plots, and such. Why else would the cellphone novels garner such place in the literary scene, becoming this decade's popular culture, if it didn't strike the right chords?

Maybe I should try watching Sky of Love huh.

Post Scriptum: Mentioning Lady Murasaki does not mean in any way I favor her over Sei Shonagon. Their rivalry does not concern me. I would love to read Genji, and I would still love to have Sei Shonagon's work, "The Pillow Book". Buy for me please?

And I love her so, I wouldn't trade her for gold

2008-09-16T21:00:00.000+08:00

What did this ever mean to you?
I wish it was something
Little thing;
Anything...
Or was it just nothing?

Maybe for once,
I'd rather it not be
Another mistake
Temporary insanity
Lapse of judgement.

And I forget how hope is just poison;
It rots the flesh from the inside
It drains the soul into a vacuum
It leaves a stench irrevocable,
Stench of what would be
What could have been
What can never be
Ever again

I live in another world, where life and death are memorized

2008-09-16T08:24:00.001+08:00

Ye be warned, this is a heavy pictorial post and severely outdated.

i.

Merdeka Eve, tengok fireworks from the balcony.

Merdeka Day, watched Ismail: The Last Days. I wanted to watch it when I read that they incorporated Usman Awang's poetry, else than Doc Ismail being the most intriguing character in Malaysian political history to me.

I've never been to this kind of play before. The first time was a big scale one in Istana Budaya called Siti di Alam Fantasi, most of them were children but heck, they gave a stellar performance that nobody really cared that Amy Mastura was one of the leads.

Franz Liszt, one of my favourite composers

For this one, it was my first time at KLPAC. It was refreshing to see, that things go very smoothly, well done, well-sang and well worth the standing ovation. The songs are too repetitive at times, but that one haunting song does bode well with the scene. And I was in a delighted glee, it's not always that we get to listen to proper English, not British or American accented(okay maybe more towards British-ish), nor Manglish, but impeccably beautiful. Exactly the kind I like to listen to. It was quite a turn on really. Hmmm.

I was really impressed by the mass of supporting actors, who never forget to play their roles simply because they were in the background. One scene was particularly impressive; a scene where 2 main characters were conversing in the foreground, reminiscing about the past, and the background characters all so befittingly went into slow motion mode. They moved only like 1cm per second that it was almost unnoticeable if it weren't because of one cast, a waitress was walking from one side of the stage to another at THAT speed. Kalau aku, dah terketar-ketar kaki semua. Yeah, end up I was more engaged to watch the background actors than the lead cast.

I took my 2 sisters to this. The Sage was supposed to meet us there, but he got lost. Yeah, the town boy, got lost in KL. Ngahaha.

I drive and shoot at the same time. John Woo can hire me any day.

ii.

Last Friday, a bunch of us got together to celebrate Ju-On's birthday/majlis berbuka puasa at LaGourmet Cafe, The Curve. Blegh. Tak sedap, sikit dan mahal. Lapar seharian pun aku tak sanggup nak habiskan makanan aku. Tolong jangan pergi ya. But the service was very good.

Proceeded to watch a movie, Indonesian horror flick Angker Batu. It wasn't really that scary. I was already fed up because it's so bloody slow I just can't wait for a hantu to pop up, but the suspense building up to a scary scene was scarier than the bloody hantu, and the ghosts were mostly imported from Korea. You know, the weird postures, crawling up the stairs, stuff like that.

But one scene was very commendable, a whimsical, Neil Gaiman-ish, The Cell-like scene where we get to see what the possessed was going through in their heads as they lie there arching in hysterics to the eyes of the helpless crowd. They paid lots of attention to setting up the scenes and moods and backdrops for the movie, but they failed to put enough input in lines, plots and careful construction of the movie's flow. One comedian in the movie saved the day though, just by injecting nice dosage of funniness and silliness, whilst the rest of the actors are batshit terrible at playing serious, horrified, panicked, exhausted and heroic. In the end, it looked more like a badly done, confused zombie movie. Blegh.

We went to the new Rasta afterward, where the workers were clumsy. One dropped a glass and sent shards of glass everywhere, very near to us that our jeans and shoes were the only reasons we weren't getting arterial bleeding. Another one dengan bengap sengal bodohnya menumpahkan HOT WATER atas tangan aku. I was THIS close to being THAT jerk of a customer who snaps and fucking screams her head off at the poor thing. Heck, fighting natural instinct to automatically retaliate was actually kinda frustrating. Tsk tsk.

Ape point sebenarnya semua ni? Since when do my entries have points? Aku rajin nak post gamba hari ni. Tapi malas nak buka Flickr. Hence the nonsensical randomness. To the backwards people who's still using dial-up, do forgive me, and go get a bloody broadband.

Post Scriptum: i. captures from Nikon D40, ii. captures from Canon IXUS 960 IS. Tweaks done on iPhoto.

But you could run for a million miles, and still have nowhere to go

2008-09-15T11:27:00.003+08:00

Puchong
Pre-Departure Training
Nippon Maru thingey majingey.

I missed a weekend, and I missed satu sesi belia berperang sesama sendiri. Had to try to comprehend whatthemajignutwuzgoin'on on yahoogroup, later explained during us girls' pillow talk session. Damn gossip at 5.30am.

Okay, strike 1.

After photoshoot and berbuka at Putrajaya, I dropped one of my peers at the complex, got out to take a little spin so I can smoke. Just for like, 5 minutes. I came back, another drama was done with. Words were exchanged, 2 were pissed off at each other, some more bitching and backtalking ensued, and you know the deal with people, bila dah marah kena sound, depa ni retort with argumentum ad hominem la pun. Chist terlepas lagi. All infos are gained via hearsay sajalah lagi.

Strike 2.

Home
Depan iDaniel
After eating that sahur thingey majingey.

Got home after a tiring a day and a half, I slept the whole day in my super awesome bed and super awesome aircond and super awesome solitary confinement, ignoring the blistering pain in my legs. Little did I know, I missed another juicy gossip, now in regards to the local blogging community. Tsk tsk tsk. By the time I wanted to check out the newly-crowned James Frey of the local bloggers, it was too late! The blog was already deleted. Damn.

Strike 3. Dunia ini dengki.

Anyhow, in regard to this infamous fantasy writer, I came across his blog once, but sparked no interest to me. Not that I'm like this hebat private investigator whose smoking gun gave way to unfolding the truth, I wouldn't know that he's writing a ~~memoir~~fiction. Just that when I see a popular blog with loads of comments, I tend to steer away. With few exceptions of course, up to my discretionary slim pickings, some popular-blogs-with-loads-of-followers do interest me, the average nobody who doesn't get any inside jokes. Some people seems to be pissed off feeling like they've been lied to, which reminds me I should put my Disclaimer back up. I'm impartial because I never really read the lies nor paid any particular attention to him, nor do I completely believe in what anonymous bloggers say, but hey, doesn't this remind us all of that person we've all had the chance of encountering at one point or another in our lives?

Yes, the pathological liar. Sometimes well masked as a know-it-all. The bunch of people who needs to have people believe how exciting and great their lives are. Now I'm not talking about any one person okay. But we've all had that kind of acquaintances, who claimed grandeur of such mundane simplicity, sometimes so bizarre that we feel insulted that they really think we're buying this. My question is, do we need it? Such grandness, can't we just be another average Joe or a plain Jane, what's wrong with ordinary?

Kalau nak menipu pun, have some skills. Be very great at masking who you are, kill everybody that knows you, and have awesome photo-editing skills. Like me. Like everybody knows I'm not as fair and candy-coated sweet smiled as my Profile picture. Duhh. And I've killed everybody that knows me in real life, and I spun out yarns of boring stories to write in my blog so that people won't know that I'm actually exciting and hebat and cool and awesome and superior like not even the resident Nyah can beat my exhilirating lifestyle! Wheeee~!

Yeah you wish. Lying is so not my forte. Or is it? ;)

Taken near Putrajaya Pink Mosque with a Canon IXUS 960 IS, severely edited with iPhoto for the painting-ish effect
Best viewed in full reso.

A friend is not a means, you utilize to get somewhere

2008-09-13T02:40:00.000+08:00

I will be away for the weekend. Don't ask where. Nippon Maru stuff. Going to visit and mingle with the opposite spectrum of youths.

Take me to your leader
From FILE Collection of Unexpected Photography

I'll leave you with my current fav, lull-me-to-sleep song. The link leads to sendspace if you want the song.

Calexico and Iron & Wine - He Lays in the Reins (Bonus)

One more drink tonight as your gray stallion rests
Where he lays in the reins
For all of the speed and the strength he gave

One more kiss tonight from some tall stable girl
She’s like grace from the earth
When you’re all tuckered out and tame

One more tired thing the gray moon on the rise
When your want from the day
Makes you to curse in your sleep at night

One more gift to bring we may well find you laid
Like your steed in his reins
Tangled too tight and too long to fight

Why do you listen, when nobody's talking?

2008-09-12T02:25:00.000+08:00

Snappish snappish snappish. Too early in the morning to be running errands, I turned into that impatient, panas-baran, berrating bitch again. #3 annoyed me by being a blardy slowpoke. WHY, would a boy take SO fucking long to shower in a cold morning?? Kau teguk air ke bongok? Baru je sahur kot? Pagi-pagi dah kedengaran riuh bagaikan The Furies yang menendang pintu bilik air sambil memaki si jantan yang mandi macam betina.

I wonder if your moms have this habit of, say you're in an argument, she asks a question, you answer it and she retorts with, "Haa menjawab, MENJAWAB!"

"Apsal you do that jugak? Saja nak degil ke apa?"

"Hak ah"

"Ha tengok tu menjawab! Siapa suruh awak menjawab?"

"Dah mak tanya orang jawab ah"

"Tengok tu menjawab lagi!"

da efff?!

Antara conversation tak matang yang keluarga aku perlu dengar from time to time satu masa dahulu. Moms have this habit. Asking questions berulang kali tapi tanak jawapan. I don't. When I morph into a raging bull, and I ask questions, I want an answer, and I want it now. #5 failed at this earlier this morning, usually her slowpokeness and off-topicness is tolerable, cos she's the baby right, but nooo. SNAP SNAP SNAP.

"Do I look like your mother? Asks questions she doesn't want people answering? If I bloody ask something you fricking answer it, correctly and quick!"

Oh my, PMS the pre-historic monster creeps all the way into current. No sleep+crazy hormones. I realize I'm being a jerk, but it just came out anyways, I realize this poor thing has got UPSR today and I better not rattle her up so early in the day, but it came out anyways. I realize this is no longer the person I want to be, but it's still part of me, and it came out anyways. And it feels liberating somehow.

Reached school, she's all quiet because she's afraid she might be walking on thin ice. Anything she say could be reason for fireworks to go off in the car. I feel bad, I don't want her to start her day such way.

"Okay #5, you can do it. Prayers and confidence. Be alert jangan berangan."

"Okay."

"Forget about yesterday's paper, it's in the past it means shit now cos you can't do anything about it. Today, you can still do something about today, so jangan fikir dah about the 3 questions that you hentam-ed yesterday."

"I didn't hentam, teacher said to call it intelligent guesses."

"HAHAHA, Uhhh.. Right, in my day they call it lempar dadu. Yours is a better euphemism."

"What's that, yew-fur-mizem?"

"AND YOU SAID YOU CONCENTRATED IN SCIENCE COS YOUR ENGLISH IS ALREADY THAT GOOD?!"

"Kitaorang tak pernah blaja pon perkataan tu!"

"Okay okay nevermind. Later I tell you, now get out of my car. Remember what I said, forget about yesterday, it's done with, but you can still change today."

"Thanks, by the way, you give better advice than mom."

*hinsh hinsh kembang idong*

By that I know what she means, mom is a critique. It's what she does best. She will never say, "It's okay, it's just 3 questions you didn't get to answer."

She will say, "How come you didn't have enough time? Because you wasted time on other questions right? Because you didn't study enough when I told you to right?"

I do that too, but I soften it up with other extras, ie; encouragements. I got that part from my dad.

Random kah. Yeah I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Severely annoyed, rimas, and semak, especially so thinking about SSEAYP. Another hellish 2 days, this weekend. Stuff about visa and documents and attires. Fook. Mana nak cari traditional costume. I'm no Halloween freak. Damn.

Another one of my pastel crayon sketches, born out of whim.

What's for intermission?

2008-09-11T03:36:00.002+08:00

Buncho Pastel Crayons

Sesetengah orang memang suka tag. Like a bleeding psychic who can tell I'd rather crap nonsense in point form today than in the usual essay. So thanx :)

From Si Genit Gampang

1. What were you doing 5 years ago?

Should be, in Taman Zamrud, Bear Hill, Malacca in Alpha Management. Oh those were the good days, spirit all fired up, uni was easy peasy, people still underestimate me as just another plain old tudung girl, bad people were bad, nice people were nice, things were simply black and white. Oh minus the dumb cave people who would just get a serious case of stop-and-stare at the sight of me smoking. At around this time I would be pulling an all-nighter talking to Anna, smoking with a nice warm cuppa instant green Nescafe+instant Milo. Yum. Or getting all cloaked up in my lilac colored hospital blanket, sitting on the railing of the balcony, scaring the dating couples on the park's benches. Yeah these were good times.

2. What were the 5 things on your to do list today?

Buka account Maybank. Woot, jakun.
Threading, check
Meeting this person, check
Meeting that person, check
Meething those people, check
Pick up contact sheet and passport, not checked

3. What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?

Choki-choki(Love em so, that friends always buy this as peace offering for their misdeeds)
Cadbury Hazelnut(This too)
Kit kat(There's a memorable firsttime story with this one)
Ritter Sports(or the other way around-- like sex in little plastic wrapper)
Famous Amos Pecan Chocolate Chip(Share?? HELL NO)

4. What are 5 jobs you've had?

Driver cum errand girl cum personal ikea shopper
Interior decorator consultant cum handyman.
Home PC and networking troubleshooting consultant
Tukang promo Champs Emulsion at primary schools
Judge of Knowledge Discovery's State Level Spelling Bee

5. 5 ppl I want to tag

Langsir
Mangkuk
Molat
Mancis
Dunhill

What now? . . . . I could stay here with you

2008-09-09T10:38:00.002+08:00

I'm thoroughly depressed. How can you watch House, MD season 4 finale and not feel such way, after all the previous arcs that carry the same theme. Words and deeds. His actions have consequences, regardless of how he indirectly causes it and refuses to acknowledge it. After Jack Moriarty. A bullet in his stomach didn't make him see it. After Tritter. The troubles that occured didn't make him see it. But has he finally grasp it?

He's the most human, the most honest in this episode, and that last bits of scenes in the end pretty much seals it. Holmes and Watson will never be the same. Can't wait for the next season.

Ahhh drama la kau.

Now I'm gonna need the song from that last scene pula. Sounds like Iron & Wine but I'm not sure.

Today my youngest sister, Setan #5 is sitting for her first paper for UPSR. Resilient little thing, all the best, Nett~!

Okay found it. Ahhah, I knew it's Iron & Wine. If you want it, right-click and save link.

Iron & Wine - Passing Afternoon

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

Clear Cut

2008-09-09T02:37:00.003+08:00

Oh yeah, the collapse of the darn uterus wall.

Wheeeheeee~!

Which means, semua plan berbuka puasa, dan settling stuff like, buat passport, reapply visa, bank-in duit, get new accounts, develop films, keeping appointments with people, must be done during these few days.

Cos I would have my normal, daily, overdosed caffeine intake.

Oh yeaahh.

But still, time to down those Ponstans.

“Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.”

2008-09-08T02:17:00.001+08:00

Kepada kawan aku yang tengah boyot, kepada yang sedang mencuba, kepada yang dah memang ada anak, and kepada yang nak over-populate dunia aku dengan the devil's spawns(people who's hobbies are spurting out children and let them run amok annoying the fuck outta me), people with nieces and nephews, and people with adik kecik-kecik lagi.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Jana Brike

Sick Miserable Cold Day

2008-09-07T21:25:00.003+08:00

Iqanabeera, jadi la Tupperware, plastic paling hebat. Great analogy.

Today was supposed to be about doing stuff, going about and settle stuff. But I'm down with THAT infection again. The one that occurs whenever I drank too much sweet liquid, too little plain water, almost no fruit. It hurts like hell, my head spins everytime it hits. This will translate into fever soon enough.

It's a miserable day. I can't read. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. I can't sleep when my feet is ridiculously frozen cold, and all the different beds I try to sleep in, other people's legs I try to warm up to, and every other blankets couldn't warm my feet up, and it was the worst unsettling feeling that's got me in full blown crankiness the whole day.

I'm hungry but I can't eat. The surau held a fast breaking in conjunction with solat hajat for the UPSR/PMR/SPM kids. So everybody's going and no food at home. Serious tak larat nak pergi. So I had bread, when my dad suddenly came back with a plate of chicken rice, complete with a bowl of soup. For me. Ngahaha. Our fathers will always be the one who takes the best care of us no matter how old we are. He rushed home with food, rushed back to surau. :)

Dem, ujian baru bermula.

Picture from P1i, as is the rest of this entry.

The Post Mortem Month

2008-09-07T09:00:00.002+08:00

Funny story during sahur, ade lipas bawah meja makan. All girls, kaki terus bersila atas kerusi, the men, konon macho maintain je, but my brother was nervously peeking to see how far the cockroach was from him from time to time. And the men in my family semua macam anak raja, maka aku la jadi hero (as per usual) dan swat the poor cockroach splat with a BonusLink pamphlet. Not your day roachy, not your day.

My mom dragged me to kuliyah subuh. #4 and #5 were in the bathrooms executing the stay-in-bathroom-faking-tummy-ache-till-she-leaves tactic, #2 and #3 brilliantly laid low, faaar from the parental figures, leaving me out like a decoy, defenseless against Mom's coaxing.

"But I wanna sleeeeeep~! I slept 1am till 4am je tadi, itu pun tak comfy."

"Takpe, sleep there, get pahala jugak."

Running out of excuses. Fine, bila lagi. Alang-alang. Didn't get to sleep though, the lights were so damn bright(cam tau-tau je ape aku nak buat), and all the wall space were already taken. So here's what I gather this morning.

Start your day with good intentions. The body follows what the mind wants to do.

Al-Quran has the answer to everything. There are 8 types of contents in The Holy Book.

Dos
Don'ts
Good news (Promise of reward)
Bad news (Promise of punishment)
Anecdotes (Iktibar from those who lived before us)
Stories of prophets' lives
Stories of gifts and blessings
Stories of how great and kind Allah is towards us

In order to be a great anything (Muslim, businessman, contractor, mechanic, politician, bla bla bla), refer to Quran.

Why Nabi Muhammad SAW was a great man.

His 4 traits and how they are applicable to implement greatness in ourselves.

Benar (never ever lie, lead by example)
Amanah (trustworthy, unbiased, impartial)
Menyampaikan (excellent communication skills, eg:body language-54%, speaking-13%, correct intonation-33%)
Fathonah (bijaksana- smart, studious, research eg: the studies he made in his business ventures)

Therefore, conclusion of the morning was...

always strive to perfect our Solat to truly understand and appreciate
always refer to Quran
follow Nabi Muhammad's (SAW) example (and by this, I'm sure he didn't mean the polygamy bit)

When I was Googling about Tahajjud at 4am earlier, I stumbled upon this post. I'm sorry, I failed my Indonesian so I'm a bit flustered here, there, mostwhere :p. But seemed like an interesting enough read.

Hilarious ustaz today. Tumpang liwat ye. Ngahahahahahaha *inside joke* Only The Sage would understand if he reads this. Sengal punya orang tua :))

And buat pertama kali dalam hidup, jumpa sibut babi badannya warna putih. Wow. Aku jakun gila!

"Oh, ni siput masjid ni, bersih takde dosa, tu dia putih tu," neighbour friend of Mom's said.

Dem. Racist!! Hahahaha~

Have a nice day everyone!

credits to Hairi Akmal aka SangPhotographer

p/s: To whom it may concern, update your RSS subscription thingey majingey, your feed on me. Sekian terima kasih.

Di mana ocehan di jalan lebih berharga dari renungan tenang di kamar

2008-09-06T05:00:00.000+08:00

Aku bosan dengan blog sendiri. Maka aku memulakan langkah-langkah mengubah layout. Keyword sini. Memulakan. It's not done yet. But we'll see how it goes. Macam nak menambah links lagi tapi tetiba malas. Header picture is of my Phuket captures.

Aku notice bapa aku pun kadang-kadang macam adik-adik aku. Masuk bilik aku, duduk diam-diam atas kerusi merah aku. Atau baring atas katil adik aku yang sentiasa vacant. Sekali-sekala tanya soalan, padahal mereka semua tahu kalau aku depan iDaniel aku memang boh layan dunia fizikal. Rindu aku la tu. Aku pula bukan dalam mood merindu orang pula.

Aku tetiba perlukan rokok. Dada berkecamuk terasa rimas membakar. Nasib badan, ada yang sedang berhuha di mamak pukul 2 pagi, si kaki makan yang kurus. She bought me a pack (14 je, 20 tak mampu dah). Aku duduk di porch dengan segelas air tebu, terasa rimas bagaikan ada saka yang mengganggu, merentap-rentap.

Kebiasaannya aku kata aku bencikan sesuatu, yang aku benci itu yang datang. Seperti aku bencikan kucing. Datang seekor anak kucing yang pathetic. Yang aku tak sampai hati nak berlaku kejam dan get rid of it. Yang aku biarkan adik-adik aku get attached to. Yang aku biarkan tidur atas dada aku. Yang aku biarkan dia jadi peneman malam-malam aku tak boleh tidur. Yang akan sama-sama tonton televisyen macam dia faham saja drama bersiri di Astro tu.

Mata dia best, itu pasat wa panggil Molat

Yang dah kenal aku mesti dah muak dengar cerita ini. Tapi again, malam ini aku rindukan Molat. Malam aku mahu teman. Malam aku rasakan aku tiada siapa. Malam yang aku tidak mahukan sesiapa in particular. Malam yang aku bukan mahu suara orang, tetapi tubuh halus yang suam seekor mamalia di leher aku. Malam ini aku rindukan Molat yang kurus, diam, manja dan suka tidur atas buku dan badan aku. Yes, the same stupid kitten yang membuatkan bilik aku unsanitary enough to make me sleep on the sofa for a week. Sheesh. Maybe I need a new cat again.

Tapi, aku nak Molat.

Gaaarrghh, jangan kacau aku tidur lah

Cukup sekali patah hati kerana seekor haiwan yang tidak erti berbicara pun. Aku benci kucing. Aku benci teman yang suke mengerekot di ruang antara bantal dan leher aku, membuatkan aku bantal peluk yang gargantuan. Aku benci teman yang sentiasa ada. Aku benci teman yang hanya teman dalam diam, biar hati kosong masing-masing bersuara dalam malap kerdipan bintang 3 pagi. Aku benci teman yang aku hanya perlu beri satu pandangan, dan tarik aku dan biarkan aku tangiskan kecamuk ini keluar. Aku benci teman yang tahu, esoknya aku akan kembali tersenyum seperti biasa, tangisan ini hanya dendam yang terlupa hendak dibuang. Aku benci teman yang akan ingatkan aku, You're okay. Aku benci kucing.

Tapi dalam tenang malam, angin sejuk menyapa muka, aku tahu aku berteman. Dan teman itu berkata, sudahlah dengan airmata kau. Sudahlah dengan dunia kau. Sudahlah dengan mencari yang fana untuk merawat yang ghaib. Kembali pada Nya.

Langsir Mangkuk Molat

bidadari, sayapmu patah!

2008-09-05T04:17:00.000+08:00

MANADE AKU MARAH NGAN BLOGGER. Sket pon tak. Cibai. Ape punya draft feature kalau kau ilangkan semua gambar yang aku dah upload dan text berjela-jela aku dah tulis bongok?! Kau ingat sekejap ke aku nk upload gambar banyak-banyak dengan internet aku yang cam haram ni? Kau ingat tak berpinar ke mata aku browse beribu-riban gambar aku carik gambar aku nak? BUDUH. Sabar. Tarik nafas. Jangan lepas. Haha.

Entry kamera pinhole aku hilang. I will redo it bila rajin. Mungkin lepas aku develop gambar ke. Ntah jadi ke tak my half assed attempt at making a pinhole camera.

Member aku buat aku down ngan argument merepek yang aku sebagai seorang jagung suka take to heart sebab aku kesah sangat apa orang yang berstatus member yang direspect fikir pasal aku. Tapi nasib baik dia pandai pujuk dan melawak balik, dan mengatakan Ketua Hakim Negara kalau dibandingkan dengan aku, aku lagi penting dalam hidup dia. Duhh, mmg la, kenal pulak ketua hakim tu ngan kau. Tapi being me, senang tercalar, senang juga diappease. He was nicer all the way, cuma ada sikit-sikit memerli sana sini yang aku buat dondo je sebab dia tua bangka. Aku baru notice orang yang rajin melayan aku di YM adalah kawan-kawan lelaki berusia 26 tahun ke atas. Kenapa ya?

Aku pelupa. Suis lampu dan kipas rumah aku banyak sangat(mak aku ade fixation dengan lampu), aku tak mampu nak ingat mana satu untuk mana, walaupun dah almost 3 years mungkin, aku duduk di sini. Maka dari aku cuba satu persatu suis, aku akan berjalan dari satu ruang ke ruang yang lain dalam gelap, total darkness, hanya dengan kebiasaan aku dengan rumah sendiri. Tetapi ada salah satu idiot di kalangan adik-adik aku, telah meletakkan one STOOL in the middle of the fucking hallway, for God knows why I can't even comprehend. Hanya kerana selepas guna tak reti nak simpan balik walaupun I've berrated them over and over again about the properness I expect from them. Terbaiklah kena lutut dan tulang kering aku. Dan melayang ayat aku "Akai tu kalau setakat buat hiasan baik campak dalam loji taik!" entah kepada adik aku yang mana satu pun aku tak kesah dah, sebab sakit teramat semua kena maki. Aduh jagung, mana pergi sabar kau?

Kebiasaannya aku akan bawa sejadah ke solat tarawih, big one. Aku akan berkongsi dengan sesiapa sahaja kerana memang rasa itu pun yang patut dibuat. Or kalau aku berpindah ke saf depan yg sudah ada sejadah, aku tinggalkan sejadah itu dibelakang untuk sesiapa saja pakai. Aku takkan ambil juga sejadah aku kehadapan dan put it over somebody else's sejadah, kan ke kurang bersih jadinya sejadah orang kalau aku tindih dengan the base of my sejadah. Aku juga tak sampai hati dahi orang lain getting carpet burns sedangkan aku pula bertindih sejadah kat sini. Tapi makcik, kalau kau nak buat macam tu, sila lah, sejadah engkau kan. Cakap la awal-awal dari kau tindih sejadah aku, boleh juga aku angkat sejadah tu pass kat member sebelah kau. Alamak off topic.

So biasanya aku bawa dengan niat nak berkongsi saja dengan sesiapa yang tak bersejadah, because I feel it's just the appropriate thing to do. Tak pernah aku mengharapkan appreciation. But one very nice lady made my day today. After 8 rakaat, just after doa, she tapped me and said thank you. Aku blur separa mati memula, like ha? Apa aku buat? I think she saw the extreme blurness, so she smiled and pointed to the sejadah. AWWWW. So sweet. Rasa macam nak bawak balik akak ni buat jadi penghibur hati. Setelah berhari-hari menahan sabar dengan makcik-makcik yang macam tak pernah belajar etiquette rapatkan saf (reti nak duduk bawah kipas saja), serta realizing yang aku agak OCD apabila sangat terganggu melihat sejadah yang tidak parallel dengan carpeting, ada satu hamba Allah made it all okay with just 2 words and a smile.

Aku pergi lepak afterwards di Rumah Kopi Taipan dengan berbaju kurung ungu. Sebab rasa dah lambat malas nak tukar baju. Kena gelak dengan member seround. Haha, tak apa, aku rasa aku comel. Bila lagi kau nak tengok aku pakai baju kurung kan? Sekali setahun je mungkin. :p

I have ADOS. Attention Deficit Ooohhh Shiny!

2008-09-02T08:28:00.006+08:00

Kepada incik merdeka!! who commented on my 5 Girls I'd Do entry, sila baca betul-betul sebelum bagi comment bernas, cos you're feeding words into my mouth. Sekian trimas for airing your baseless thoughts.

Day 2 of Fasting. Busy weekend maka tak sempat wish in advance. But shouldn't it be fast breaking and not breakfasting? Ngoks.

Sesyaitan-devil-Lucifer-morally corrupt nya aku, aku tak pernah bawak main hal puasa. Takde nak suka-suki hari ni tak tahan nak ciggies, takyah puasa lah. Or, aaaa panasnya Cyberjahat ni, dahaganya, penatnya pergi kelas, buka puasa lah! Alhamdulillah tak ada lagi perangai tak semenggah ni. Tak sanggup memikirkan nak mengganti dan membayar fidyah yang bagai compound interest credit card yang 20 tahun tak berbayar. Tak sanggup memikirkan mati roh tergantung antara bumi dan langit kerana hutang. Yang tiga hari aku tak sempat ganti dan sudah kena bayar fidyah overdue setahun pun sudah merunsingkan aku. Aku tak tahu la apa rasanya orang yang berbulan-bulan tidak puasa dari sejak akil baligh lagi. Huish.

Mak pak aku juga ajar, tak ada makna kau berpuasa tapi tidak solat fardhu. Tak ada makna kau nak letak bumbung kalau tiangnya pun tak tercacak lagi. Bapa aku kata, bagaikan orang yang bersolat dengan tidak memakai seluar. Bagi aku, yang tidak bersolat tapi berpuasa, kau hanya berlapar tiada makna. Kerana Rasulullah s.a.w. ada bersabda, seperti yang diriwayatkan oleh Abu Daud, yang mula-mula sekali dihisab terhadap seorang hamba pada hari kiamat kelak ialah amalan sembahyangnya. Andai sembahyangnya sempurna, maka sesungguhnya dia telah berjaya. Jika tidak sempurna, maka sesungguhnya dia telah kecewa dan rugi. Hadis ini membicarakan tentang amalan sembahyang hamba yang sempurna dan diterima oleh Allah, ataupun tidak sempurna dan tidak diterima Allah. Bermaksud, andainya sembahyang seseorang itu tidak sempurna, dan tidak diterima Allah, maka amalan-amalan yang lain tidak diterima.

Bukan aku nak kata aku hebat, solatku sempurna dan diterima. Sikit pon tidak hebat, masih dalam perbaikan, dan sedang diusahakan. Selebihnya aku tawakal, harap-harap cukup bagi Tuhanku. Tapi yang langsung tidak solat? Rasa-rasanya diterimakah amal dan ibadat kau yang lain? Lu pikir ah sendiri worth it atau tidak kau berlapar berdahaga sedangkan kau tahu kepastian tentang whether or not it will be tallied. Aku tak kata aku tahu. Aku bukan Tuhan.

Ramadhan seharusnya mengajar umat Islam empathy dan menjurus ke kesederhanaan. Mengingatkan diri about the people who are not as fortunate as we are. Sebullshit-bullshit kau rasa hidup kau pun, there are people suffering worse fate than you. Remember the Palestinians, Kosovars, Kashmiris, Chechens and Darfurians. Remember the ill-fated, the starving, the limbless, the homeless and the dying. Remember that apabila sahur kau mentekedarah dengan alasan akan berlapar seharian. Remember that tika kau menonong di bazaar Ramadhan dengan plastik berisikan Roti John, apam balik, laksa, kuih pelita, dan ayam percik serta air kelapa, mentekedarah lagi dengan alasan sudah berlapar seharian. Lepas tu jangan la hairan kenapa orang lain di bulan Ramadhan lose weight, kau pula makin debab. Kesederhanaankah itu?

Sebulan sahaja, Tuhan bagi can pahala compounded like interest rate dari seorang Ah Long. Susah sangat meh nak solat tarawikh? Cukupkan 5 waktu? Tambah pahala sana-sini, kurangkan dosa sana-sini juga? Mana la tahu, we might not be able to see the next Ramadhan, isn't this a great chance to repent, for all the sins we've done? And maybe we'll learn more about ourselves, Allah, and how best to live our lives, and have a better chance at tasting heaven?

Entry sikit haram jadah pun tiada niat nak menyinggung. Kalau terasa baguslah, boleh ubah pe'el tak semenggah itu. Kalau tak nak, diam sudah. Nak minta maaf kalau ada yang tersalah silap sengal sendi sana-sini, kebiasaannya tiada niat, kalau berniat lagi la mintak ampun ya.

Selamat berpuasa, jangan lupa tarawikh, moga amalan kita diterima Allah, and may this Ramadhan make us better people throughout the year.

Post Scriptum: Sila ignore jika ada typo. Malas nak re-read.

Patriotic Attempt #1

2008-08-30T19:29:00.001+08:00

Apakah maksud merdeka bagi kamu? I hated these kinds of essay questions in school. Torn between the need to be politically right and stating what I truly believe in. Torn between being honest and getting good marks. Being honest about what you really think, no matter how well you can write it grammatically and vocabulary wise, can still mean shit because they just can't display something that doesn't truly glorify the whole milestones after independence. Tsk. And I'm such an attention-seeker. Tsk tsk. But this year, I think I can say something along the lines of acceptable. Sudah tamat zaman cikgu memanggil aku ke hadapan, memuji karangan aku tapi mengatakan "perkataan ini, ini dan ini tidak boleh dipakai oleh pelajar darjah 6", atau, "you can't write something like this, can't you talk about this issue in a more....uhhh... positive manner?"

It's undeniable that Independence means a lot of things to a lot of people. Back then it was independence from the British colonization. Freedom from being slaves in your own home country. Freedom to decide what is best for ourselves, not decided by policy makers that came from another continent, from other sets of beliefs and cultures. For me it's still all that. Freedom from being slaves in our own country, freedom from being afraid of certain sects of authorities, freedom to decide what is best for ourselves. Without care and rational minds however, this so-called freedom can be abused. It has become common for people to claim discriminations as freedom to defend themselves, defending their rights, defending what little things they have left.

I say, this year, for me, I would like independence to mean, freedom from discrimination. Discrimination from all, by all, to all. To indiscriminate it must come from the heart. To accept that we all have differences, and respect those difference, at the same time, finding common grounds and realize our similarities. It is pointless to want to convince somebody to have the same perspective as yours. Like I said, we came from different wombs, set in different family dynamics, influenced by external factors that varies even to siblings of the same parents, and went through different events in our lives. Even the same events does not translate similar meaning to two people who went through it together. You know, that Rashomon effect is very real. But we must all notice that we're in a deep shit together. So my point is, how can we expect people to think our way, and go on pointless flaming fights repetitively all over the the digital realm? Forums, blogs, and whatshit. One must see, person and individuals, rather than a cluster of people. And I don't mean racially. Well, not specifically. Any kind of preconceived notions we associate with people, just from a first glance. Bear in mind, that most maybe so, as degenerates as we believe them so (ie, rempit), but in any cluster of people, not all are such less than meagre Homo sapiens. So I'm not saying I don't discriminate. We have to some times. I tend to, discriminations are also means of learning from experience. But not the bloody rampant ones, so I practice indiscrimination with caution. Well, not in menyundal cases though. I kiss multiracially, and multigender. Except for the tamak genders one. Shit, this part mesti cikgu tak terima.

Saya dipaksa didera diugut nyawa untuk membuat tag ini. Haha. No lah. This is one of my few, very very few attempts at being patriotic. I don't do flags on car, or watch whatever Merdeka speech, nor do I particularly enjoy the stupid maddening crowds on Merdeka eve. But this is the least I could do? Yeah. Hmmm. Okay start.

*begin copy*

Add your site(s) to the list if you're a proud Malaysian Blogger!
Pass this tag to as many Malaysian Blogger as you know, or if you're interested but nobody tags you, just include yourself volunteerly. Show some patriotism!
Once you've done posting this tag, leave a comment HERE! and you will be visited by a Malaysian local fruit, Mangosteen by the name of Mango! and added to the Master List.
Update list regularly to ensure every Malaysian Blogger gets equal link benefit.

I am a proud Malaysian blogger
1. mangosteenskin - Saya anak Malaysia! 2. Life is too short to be ordinary - Malaysia Tanahair Ku! 3. Sha's Love & Passion - Aku Anak Merdeka 4. A room of crazy scrapper - Merdeka!Merdeka! Merdeka? 5. Fliffy - Aku Patriotik, Sayang Malaysia ! 6. Rizal 7. haniz - Merdeka Forever! 8. Prozak Nation 9. CarolPinky - Proud Malaysian! 10. Mariuca - I heart Malaysia! 11. Emila’s Illustrated Blog - Saya Anak Malaysia juga 12. Simple Life - Sam - Saya Anak Malaysia 13. Shemah's My Sweet Escape - Live, Enjoy and Love.. MALAYSIA! 14. Mariuca's Perfume Gallery - Made in Malaysia! 15. Yani-Tennitodoku-Proud to be a Malaysian-MERDEKA! 16.Bluecrystaldude from My Little Black Pot - Saya Harap Malaysia Terus Maju! 17. Apples of the eyes 18. Snapshotcap - Freedom of choice is made for you my friend :) 19. Anaheus 20.Confessions Of A Breathing Tote Bag 21. A Great Pleasure - Malaysia is a food paradise ~ simply yummy~licious! 22. Mummy HnH - Harith and Hannah - MERDEKA 51st Celebration!!! 23. Shafie - I'm Here For U Malaysia 24. Nessa - Happy 51st Merdeka, Malaysia! 25. marvic 26. Deasya 27. Asian Mutt International 28. Point Blank - Sokonglah Pelancongan Domestik, Malaysia Cantik Indah Nian! 29. Pourpres - Cubaan Menjadi Patriotik 30. *yourbloghere*

*end copy*

Tagging Maggi Mee, Bag Lady, Kambenk Sepet, The Writer, Videl Tak Cute and *insertyournamehere*

Thanks to this tag, I found some great artsy blogs. Sometimes I've had enough with writings, maka these kinda blogs are great. Now I just need to find more like-minded, none poseur photography blogs. Photographers yang tidak serumpun. None wedding photographers. Oops. Itu cerita lain hari.

Happy Merdeka Day people. Play safe, have fun, be awesome, wherever you are, whoever you're with.

Baiburu kanojo no kageki, modanna kanojo no shigeki.............!

2008-08-30T02:29:00.002+08:00

I kissed ~~a girl~~ 3 girls and I uhhh... liked some of it. :p

I'm a kissing telling bitch, so screw me. One of my best kisses, is with a girl. Yes, a bartender girl with oh-so-yummey boobies. I will never forget you. Okay I might but I won't forget our tonsil hockey session.

So, 5 girls I'd totally do, taken from The Constantly Dramatic One. Way overdue I know. Better do it before fasting month and before I have to be responsible for my male readers' pahala puasa. Hahaha.

I have a thing for brunettes with striking eyes, be it grey, green, brown, but especially brunettes with striking blue eyes. And oh yeah, African American with striking brown eyes like Michael Michele. But the pictures I found of her can't do her justice. Damn. To die for. So here goes.

Dita Von Teese
She's a burlesque. Have you seen the work she's done? Very very S&M. Very very dirty girl. Super slim waist and yummy boobs, I want nothing more to drive me insane. Oh and the eyes. And spank that ass.

Evangeline Lilly
She has the lips, and her body's so toned. Ruffled up or dolled up, I want to do her both ways. On a beach. Stranded on an island. Or on the rocks near a waterfalls inland. And with Josh Holloway watching. Oh yeah. You might not be able to tell from this picture, but she too has striking eyes perfectly contrasting her brown hair.

My absolute favorite, Zooey Deschanel.
Yeah she's skinny. But again, the hair and the eyes. And she's absolute fun and kooky. I'd have a threesome with her and her sister Emily. I bet she's kinky. And I'd make sure she stares at me with her crazy blue eyes all the way. Ngaaa~

Alessandra Ambrosio
I must have a Brazilian supermodel in here, and it absolutely must be Alessandra Ambrosio. Do you see that waist? Those breasts? Those lips? And her beautiful colour? I feel like licking her all over.

My favorite Asian model, Ai Tominaga.
Yeah she's skinny, but she does have scrumptious boobs. And I can stare at her super long legs all day long. She's exotically Japanese, the edgy kind, not the kawaii crapshit type, squinted eyes and all. And you know I have a thing for squinting eyes. :p

For girls, do take this as a tag. ;)

You can't imagine me being me, you can only imagine you being me

2008-08-29T05:53:00.004+08:00

You will not have breathed in vain
Your lackadaisical effort did enthuse
You linger like cityscapes taking a final bow
You're no Lear but still carry me joy

Liquid lovers and flaming friends
Like whisking liquor in a bowl of blaze
Rattles and flickers it delves me in still
For a heart in flames makes little to no sense

If I may ask
Did you beget
Did you lie
Did you forget
Did you cry

Did you sing
Did you whine
Or did you grow a wing
To match that wine

Limping lovers and flailing friends
Like a wet matchstick in the dead winter
If you may, I'll lend an ear too soon
For the livid bruise was all too lucid

The vicarious has yet to comprehend
Why why why they keep on pending
If there's a chance I'll let you know,
In a matter of time, in the manner of a mime

Knight me the bliss of Ataraxia

2008-08-28T09:26:00.000+08:00

Rotoskop si Steven Goh

Peluang datang kiri kanan
But your headphones are too loud
Kau masih lagi stagnant
It hovered and left you proud

Dia intrusive, invasive, unbounded
Dia alpa, lalai, sugul, tidak bersaring
Reeks of noise and annoyance, but I'm confounded
Is it wrong to find her mess endearing?

Kau menyentak anak aberan itu
Kerlingan si penyendeng berbidas
Kering hati ruangnya sebu
Kerana yang kapar masih berkeras

The man I kissed that night
Was impossible to find
Even if he is never out of sight
He runs a marathon in my mind

Bergetar loket tika berkapah
Jari runcingmu menyentap kantuk
Tiada lain mendatangkan amarah
Hanya realiti yang memanggil si kaduk

Bitches in Tokyo

2008-08-26T06:11:00.000+08:00

Apparently somebody forgot to pay the internet bills.

I was also away for the weekend with the kind of people I loathe, the kind of people can tolerate, and the kind of people I do enjoy.

Certain crowds make me feel empty. It's like they drain your whole being out of you, but you're left with no reciprocal satisfaction in the end like feeling it's for an effort, or time well spent.

I now realize the fucking value of an SB-600/800/900, more to others than me, but most advantageous to me in the end of the day. Funny how powerful people's perception can be huh.

My left eye is driving me crazy, and I'm this close to breaking my glasses and roam the world half blind.

I may have disappointed a friend, in order to not disappoint another friend. I may have made the wrong choice of who to disappoint and vice versa.

She called me pompuan! And this time I think it's a good sign.

I now realize why they can't look me in the eye. How do you maintain eye contact, when you are undressing me, and doing things to me in your mind?

I can interpret some dreams now.

Maybe if you stop undressing me in your head, we can be friends again, like before.

I'm sorry to the people I snapped at today. I am like a soul in the wrong body at this moment, and I vent by being mean as means of making it fit.

Shit, the left eye is now very red.

Melayu doesn't mean I must have at least a pair of kebaya.

Lacking in transparencies and excelling in euphemisms are traits of the pro-old mentality. Unfortunately, it has spread to the younger set too. I refuse to play your game.

I will get to my resume. I've been, chronically distracted by life.

I can't seem to read the backdated, long posts you guys have because my head hurts when my eye won't cooperate with me. Dem yous.

I know you miss me :)

Captured through the window on a friend's engagement day last Sunday

Aku agak peduli rupanya

2008-08-20T17:10:00.000+08:00

Polar Bear asked.

"What do you think about the plan to allocate 10% for non-bumiputra to gain admittance into UiTM?"

"Whaaa~? There's only bumiputra in UiTM? I never knew that?"

"Duhh, teruk gila you ni. Memang UiTM gitu kot."

"Mana I nak tahu, nobody told me that. No wonder la outcome dia mostly sucks."

"So, what do you think about it?"

"I think it's a good move, competition sikit. Kalau semua kelompok kaum sendiri macam mana nak maju?"

"Yeah, but budak-budak UiTM tengah protes."

"Eh, kenapa nak protes?"

"Yeah lah, something about their hak and keistimewaan orang Melayu tu."

Aiks. Kata tadi bumiputra. Setahu aku yang benar-benar sebenar-benarnya bumiputra adalah golongan pribumi, orang-orang Asli. Melayu ni dapat tempias sahaja, sebab dia sampai dulu dari yang Cina dan yang India saja. Awat depa yang sebok nak protes dengan alasan lagu tu?

Ibu aku risaukan future adik lelaki aku yang malas. I'm absolutely clueless about how else to inspire greatness, so sekarang aku tidak lagi membebel, cuma impose some rules here and there to enforce discipline, serta resort to berdoa sahaja. Regarding the rules, #4 tidak berpuas hati kerana dia yang memang sudah berdisiplin dan rajin terpaksa di'punish' juga kerana kemalasan abangnya. Aku cuba justify.

"It's okay, next year when you have your major exams, everybody else will lose the privileges like you would."

"But by that time Abang would be in university, so #5 saja yang akan suffer my fate now!"

"Your brother? University? With that result? AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH."

Mak aku mencelah.

"Dengar tu, people laugh at the idea of YOU going to university."

"University apa yang nak terima awak dengan result macam tu? Siapa yang nak bagi scholarship dengan result macam tu? You have to buck up man. I don't want you to go to some loser uni. I suggest you get into UIA, paling-paling hina IPTA I'll let you get into pun is UM."

Mak aku bersuara ganggu aku membebel. "Alah, masuk UiTM saja."

"Ah, hell no. Nak mati? Masuk tempat semua Melayu? Sekarang pun dah tunggang langgang studies, apakan lagi dikelilingi orang kat sana? Silap hari bulan jadi rempit saja. Tak payah. Elok-elok he's this good boy akan dirosakkan by that place. Mak tahu yang mereka protes nak allow 10% non-bumi? Macam mana nak maju, kalau tak di bagi challenge sedikit."

"Actually, tak patut la mereka nak buat macam tu. Cina India banyak lagi tempat boleh pergi, biar saja UiTM tu jadi tempat Melayu."

I think I almost toppled over at that. I almost forgot, that my parents are one of those yang adamant about hak orang Melayu and whatshit. Alasan mereka, the Chinese and Indians are already doing so well, it's the Malays that need the help. Jika kita bagi ruang-ruang lagi untuk the non-bumis, the Malays will eventually have nothing left. And the Chinese especially, they are greedy, they will take everything, and not give back to the community, OUR community. So apa untungnya kita bagi can kat non-Bumis semua ni?

Ya Allah. Teruk sangat ke orang Melayu ni, sampai tidak boleh survive langsung if they don't have conditionals that assure them to be on higher grounds?

Bagi aku senang sahaja. Equal sahaja. Mahu the same treatment as Bumiputra? Takdehal, let go of privileges sebagai non-Bumi. Abolish all those segregative measures, such as Chinese schools, or Indian schools and whatshit. All go to the same school, study the same things, in the same language. Tapi aku pasti this one pun akan spark quite the drama, so nobody would dare yet pull this one out of the hat. So this one's for another day.

Why do they segregate so? Kenapa berpegang lagi kepada taktik British memastikan rakyat tidak bangun menentang colonization? Kenapa terlalu berpegang kepada ketuanan Melayu itu?

I probably can never fathom it, tapi aku juga tidak lupa yang asal-usul kejayaan sesetengah Malays are contributed to these 'privileges'. Good one, kamu yang reti take advantage of the privileges, make good use of it, and move on. But how about the rest, yang pemikiran tidak cukup capitalist untuk mengambil kesempatan akan peluang-peluang ini? Tetapi mereka yang pemikiran dan development lebih terbantut, kerana mereka sedar adanya this safety net?

Ah, tak dapat all As pun tidak mengapa, aku boleh masuk UiTM.

Tsk tsk. Nasib baik juga aku tidak tahu hujung pangkalnya UiTM ini menerima kemasukan berlandaskan apa, kalau tidak mesti aku tak mahu belajar sungguh-sungguh di bangku sekolah dulu.

Hey, UiTM ini adalah untuk membantu orang miskin. Melayu yang miskin. Well, nobody says it's gonna stop helping the poor Malays now did we? It's just 10%, 10% brought in to HELP the poor Malays to perform better. Dan cuba kamu fikir, the non-Bumis yang miskin pula bagaimana? Tiada siapa tolong bukan? Mungkin sebab itu they work harder, they save and invest their money better? Mungkin sebab itu they take advantage of every little opportunities they have, unlike that of the Bumiputras?

Tetapi orang Cina tamak. Bagi betis nak paha. Dan bila mereka sudah berjaya kerana mendapat allowances such as these sekalipun, mereka tak akan give back to our community. Mereka hanya akan mengayakan kaum mereka sahaja.

So? What do you expect? Kiri kanan atas bawah mereka diajar yang kerajaan lagi pentingkan kaum Bumi, apa lagi yang mereka boleh lakukan selain dari berusaha sendiri dan give back to their own community? Kerajaan takkan tolong mereka. Kau marah mereka racist? Memang benar mereka racist, memang benar kaum Cina greedy. But it's generations of terpaksa berusaha sendiri, terpaksa bayar cukai tapi tetap tidak punya safety nets the way the Malays have it that hardens them, teaches them to be the kind of people they are. Mungkin kaum Melayu pon patut terima treatment sebegini baru mereka boleh jadi orang yang berusaha keras seperti the Chinese? Lagi patutlah dilucutkan keistimewaan itu kan? Kau marah mereka racist? Mereka yang disegregate in the first place, and you are angry at them for treating you likewise? Kita pula for generations are taught to not worry too much, because kita ada back up, kita ada safety net. Memanglah lemah minda kita. It won't immediately change, it probably would take generations of hardship baru kita akan sedar, dan mula berdiri atas dua kaki sendiri.

Aku bukan entirely sokong non-Bumi. Ada masanya aku realize how greedy they are, and ungrateful yang aku akan point out kepada mereka, be grateful your ancestors came all the way here. Kau rasa apa akan jadi jika your poor ancestors stayed back in the currently over-populated India and China. So kepada yang sudah do well, kaya-raya, aku hanya akan suruh diam dan be grateful tok moyang kau bijak. Now use all that money and help your poor counterparts and not complain too much.

Biar sahaja yang Melayu ini semua hanyut dalam safety net mereka. So-called bantu Melayu konon. Tetapi kalau ada orang miskin yang datang rumah ke rumah meminta ihsan wang, kau mengeluh dan berkerut muka dan menyamar konon tiada di rumah. Kalau ada pengemis approach di tempat kamu habiskan RM 6 untuk kopi-kopi Cina di Kopitiam, berpaling kepala dengan sombong pula. Bila kamu berjalan-jalan di pasar malam dan nampak seorang budak tidak bertangan minta sedekah, kamu buat-buat tidak nampak pula. Mana tolong Melayu miskin kau? MANA?

Kau senang la cakap, kau dari keluarga yang senang. Mungkin benar. Aku tidak layak bersuara kerana I've lived a rather blessed life. Tetapi mari aku ceritakan asal-usul that easy life. Ibu aku berasal dari a big family. Adik-beradiknya 9 orang, datuk aku seorang polis, nenek aku tidak bekerja. Hidup di bandar, tetapi masih susah. Makanan, minuman semua ada kuota, untuk memastikan yang semuanya dapat setimpal. Mandi masih di perigi. Berjalan kaki sangat jauh ke sekolah. Bila datuk aku sudah mampu sedikit baru yang adik-adik dapat kesekolah menaiki bas. Datuk aku sangat menitikberatkan pelajaran. He was very strict. Namun begitu kerana duit tidak mencukupi, kebanyakan adik-beradik ibu aku yg lebih tua tidak dapat belajar tinggi-tinggi. Ibu aku di kira beruntung kerana dia adalah yang #6. Dan aku faham kenapa ibu aku menyokong hak-hak orang Melayu ini di jaga. Dia belajar di MRSM. Dia dihantar JPA belajar di UK walaupun result dia tidaklah hebat. Tetapi yang pentingnya, aku tahu ibu aku memang berusaha separa mati, satu kerana takutnya pada datuk aku, dan kerana ibuku mahu membuat perubahan dalam hidupnya, dan dia reti mengambil kesempatan akan privileges yang tersedia ada.

Bapa aku pula, boleh dikira anak orang kaya(standard zaman itu). Datuk aku dahulu guru besar, kemudiannya menjadi wakil rakyat di Kelantan. Dan kebiasaannya pula, disebabkan Kelantan ditadbir oleh PAS, maka mereka mempunyai kerajaan miskin yang tidak dapat membantu mereka seperti mana negeri-negeri lain mendapat bantuan. Sebab itu semua pun berdiri atas dua kaki sendiri, semua punya perniagaan sendiri. Semua adalah opportunists yang tidak mengharapkan bantuan dan ihsan kerajaan. Semua berusaha sendiri dan bantu siapa mereka boleh bantu. Dan mungkin kerana ini juga racism di Kelantan adalah sangat rendah. Selain daripada semua berloghat pekat yang sama, semua tidak obses dengan ketuanan bangsa masing-masing, semua mengalami masalah yang sama, tidak perlu nak dengki racist dengan kaum lain kerana mereka mendapat lebih. Barely la dapat lebih beb. Bapak aku agak senang hidupnya. Spoiled dan spoonfed la kan. Cuma fortunately, datuk aku bekas guru besar, bekas wakil rakyat yang garang dan lantang. Kalau kau berani jadi delinquent, cuba lah.

So al-kisahnya, bapa aku agak spoilt. My parents studied together in UK sent by JPA, they took the same course, but by the time my mother was done with school and about to go back to Malaysia, my dad was flunking his and was about to change his major and begin his studying years again. Nasib baik bapak aku still the good one. Lihat saja adik-adiknya. Yang dah biasa ditolong dan bertongkatkan duit datuk aku, datuk aku yang sekarang umur sudah 70 lebih, pencen, masih menyara hidup pakcik aku yang bongsu, yang sudah beranak bini. Pakcik aku diberi tanah, diberi kedai untuk diusahakan, dibelikan kereta, dihantar bininya sambung belajar kerana gatal dengan escapism, semua ihsan bantuan datuk aku. Apa hasilnya? Si pemalas yang sekali-sekala tidak malu telefon bapa aku meminta wang untuk beli komputer, PS2 dan handphone untuk bininya yang tidak sedar diri. Si tak malu yang akan pujuk aku tipu bapa aku konon handphone aku hilang, agar bapa aku belikan aku handphone baru supaya dia boleh ambil handphone aku. Pakcik aku yang lagi seorang, juga diberi minimart untuk diusahakan, diberi tempat tinggal, dan walaupun yang ini lebih berusaha daripada yang lagi satu, masih jelas kelihatan tidak cukup berusaha kerana mereka ada safety net. Bapaku si anak sulung, ibuku yang bagaikan kakak mereka sendiri, serta datukku yang tidak akan sampai hati tidak menolong mereka.

Apa pointnya. One point, I'm aware of how these privileges have had helped many poor students, I'm aware juga yang at two different end of the spectrums, people treat that privilege differently. Seorang anggap ianya safety net, that puts a halt to their ability to go beyond what they can be. Dan seorang anggap ianya opportunity to be taken advantage of, and thrive harder and be the best that they can be. The problem is, too many are thinking of it as safety nets, than as leverage to keep them on the same level. I say, 10% is nothing compared to the good it will bring them poorly performing Malays. Dan whatever mengurangkan jurang segregation of Malaysians will eventually be an advantage to us, maybe not in the near future, but of generations to come.

Aku tidak pernah aware akan betapa banyaknya hak Bumiputra as I was growing up. Satu mungkin kerana aku kurang alert dalam kelas during Sejarah Malaysia. Tetapi I've lived my life not realizing the safety nets I have, so I thrive and grab opportunities wherever I can, believing yang me and the rest of the races are on equal grounds. Believing that aku hanya punya diri aku sendiri, nobody's going to help me if I screw up. I thrive to be the best I can be because datuk aku garang pasal education, because being the best means I'll have the best options later in life, because aku rasa aku tidak boleh jadi miskin dan hidup susah, kerana aku tidak tahu yang rupanya kerajaan sangat banyak membantu orang-orang Melayu.

Sekarang rata-rata most companies would prefer hiring graduates from IPTS. One survey was once done back in 2003/2004, I can't remember. Most employers do not want to hire graduates from IPTA, because they do only what is necessary, never more than is required of them. They don't have the required proficiency in English, not trained to be multi-taskers, and doesn't have enough extra skillsets, yet have the gall to ask for lucrative starting salaries. Itu pendapat employers, bukan kata aku.

During YTM scholarship interview back in Melaka, we were interviewed 5 candidates at a time. I was the only one who went to a day school, rather than boarding schools during that session. The interviewer asked.

"Which is the better student, the one who gets 8 As studying in boarding school, or 8As studying in a day school?"

Salah seorang budak sekolah asrama: "Tiada bezanya, kerana SPM itu dimana-mana sekolah pun soalannya sama."

Aku: "Of course, getting 8 As as a student from a day school proves you're a better student, than that of boarding school."

Student lain tersentak dan mula usha panas.

Interviewer tersenyum sinis, intrigue ataupun sudah tahu jawabnya, aku tidak tahu. Dia bertanya: "Oh really? Why so?"

"The boarding school students are so spoonfed. They are in the environment where teachers are constantly around them. They are forced to go to night preps, and disciplined to sleep early rise early. They are given so many help, therefore, they should not get just 8As, they should get straight As. The students from day school are left on their own immediately after the teachers leave the classroom. They have to go to their teachers personally for any extra help, and IF they're lucky, they'll get it. They are the ones who work on their own free time, they are the ones who searched high and low for good tuition classes, they are the ones who did practices on topical books and past year papers while kids from MRSM get leaked question papers from their teachers. They are the ones who do not have fixed study time like the privileged students in boarding schools but are able to manage their own time for such purposes. They are the ones with freedom and distractions, and busy parents that can't monitor them all the time, but realize on their own what they have to do to get what they want, to where they want to be. In the end, in the University, where spoonfeeding wouldn't be as rampant as it was for them back then, the better students are the day school students, who would be more hardworking and resourceful due to the environment they were brought up in."

After a long pause from all the other candidates, arguments ensued. I retracted what I can by saying, not all. But most, and most likely. But I still stand my ground on this, then in that room, and now. So don't start bashing me for this statement. It's only my opinion to show that it's only human nature to strive harder in face of realizing what they can lose, in thinking that they have no safety nets. And kalau dah dasar manusia, semua pun dengki, competition will do good. Use that kekiasuan untuk kejayaan diri sendiri. But that's just what I think. Kalau the students of UiTM dah cukup berbangga dengan pencapaian mereka, dan tidak gusar langsung tentang inability of their graduates to compete with graduates from better IPTAs such as UIA and graduates from IPTS, then go on ahead protesting. Siapa aku nak bersuara kan?

Sebagai seorang capitalist, aku hanya akan marah jika the Bumiputra discount on properties and real estates ditarik balik. Tidak perlu equality di sini ya, aku mahu meraih untung lebih banyak dengan kos lebih rendah. Sekian terima kasih.

Mixed up Habits by Cloverpunk

I don’t put a smile upon your face no more

2008-08-16T23:40:00.002+08:00

Maybe I was too loud
Maybe I was too bad
Maybe I was too open
Maybe I was too high
Maybe I was too fast
Maybe I was too close

Maybe I am still all that.

Aku sudah tidak boleh membaca manga shoujo seperti dahulu. Suatu masa dahulu hiburan ringan yang kelakar, malam ini ia menggelakkan aku.

Tetiba, tidur itu out of the question. Repressed memories kembali. Budak hitam. Budak hitam. Budak hitam. Growing up menjadi antara top students setiap tahun. Ibu kawanku akan memarahi anak mereka, dengan membandingkan keputusan aku dan mereka. Akhirnya aku yang dibenci anak-anak mereka. Mengayuh basikal di tengahari yang panas, menghantar satu persatu beg sekolah 'rakan-rakanku' ke rumah-rumah mereka, sedang mereka pergi berseronok tanpa aku. Balik rumah dimarahi mak, dahulu aku rasa pelik kerana dimarahi sebab menolong kawan-kawan. Petang-petang budak-budak yang lain berkejaran di padang, aku panjat sebatang pokok dan membaca, dan akhirnya apabila aku turun pokok, my slippers were already stolen and thrown into a nearby garbage bin. Wow, primary school was such fun. No wait. Selipar disorok dan dibuang ini happened up till I was 15. One of my good friends now were the one who would hurl his shoes at me if I don't do as he says, in primary school. :)

Being a teenager was even better. Si hitam. Berkaca mata orang tua, and braces for a year. Growing up fat and ugly surrounded by stick thin beautiful friends for all the other years. Siapa kisah result aku macam mana pun? I mope over this? Not really. I retell these stories laughing. Because it is really damn funny.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cubaan kedua untuk tidur tetap tidak berjaya. Tetiba teringatkan The Bastard. Suatu masa dia mencampak hempas botol Coca Cola kerana aku tak melayannya. Digigit dan dicubit sampai lebam-lebam dan kulit terkupas sehingga berdarah. Geram katanya. Ditampar sehingga kebas atas alasan gurauan. Ditumbuk di tulang rusuk sehingga senak semalaman, kerana aku usik-usik telinganya. Ditumbuk kakiku kerana aku acah-acah mahu menendang. Ditumbuk dadaku, ditonyoh kepalaku kerana aku bergurau kasar di tempat kerjanya. Disepak buku laliku kerana satu gurauan yang went overboard, sehingga aku tempang seminggu. Satu incident, dia genggam jari-jariku together till I can't hold the pen properly for 4 days or light up the cigarette. Terketar-ketar aku pegang rokok, aku katakan because I smoke too much.

It's not a big deal kerana aku juga seorang yang kasar. Tetapi melihatkan reaksi-reaksi chuak sesetengah kawan-kawan apabila mereka tahu lebam di kaki dan tangan aku bersebabkan sedemikian, aku akan cuba terangkan yang kami memang bergurau kasar, walaupun kebiasaannya I would be the one ended up in tears. Dan kebiasaannya, dia juga yang mengurut sengal-sengal dan lebam-lebam sehingga baik. Dia juga yang mencium kelopak mata aku apabila aku menangis kesakitan, as well as apologizing profusely for his mistimed, misbudgeted, misaimed beatings, each time it happened.

Lagipun, aku dah biasa, membesar dengan orang-orang yang bergurau kasar seperti pakcik-pakcik, sepupu, abang aku, dan ditambah lagi training dari si kaki-kaki buli zaman sekolah, dan permainan-permainan kasar aku di padang. I comfort myself thinking that he didn't mean it. It was an accident. I deserve it mungkin. Aku yang cari pasal pun. Cuma, aku akan kecil hati dengan The Bastard kerana sekali-sekala, aku rasa dipukul, tendang, sepak bagaikan dia lupa yang aku ini perempuan, tak sekuat lelaki boleh terima semua itu.

It is a damn funny story huh. Lagi-lagi kelakar, when I remember, at times he was all I had. Because he was the one who would stand the real me, not the facade I put up for family and friends. Dia yang sudah nampak segala buruk cacat hinanya aku dan tetap tidak melarikan diri, well, till now. Padan muka. Padan muka. Padan muka.

Hilarious yeah? You can roll on the floor and laugh now.

Maybe I was too proud
Maybe I was too hopeful
Maybe I was too needing
Maybe I was too crazy
Maybe I was too long
Maybe I was too giving

Maybe I am still all that, I understand why you would want to run off as far as you can.

Chill relax cool relax chill bertenang breathe lek chill cool slamber breathe

2008-08-16T01:52:00.002+08:00

The brain's been idle for far too fucking long. I received tasks in correlation to the SSEAYP, requiring my brain to get into motion and it just fucking short circuited. ZZtttztztzt! What the fuck is DG? Youth participation in social activities? Bhagra? Ngajat? Leader for every group? What group? Present the review? What review? Is it so wrong if I don't give a hoot about how to treat the fricking national flag?

AAAAAAAAAAAAA aku benci belia benci dadah!

What the fuck was I thinking? ME? Culture? Ethics? Civics?

Mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati

Panic attack datang lagi

Don't wanna leave Mt Helicon yet? It's okay. Go on, dance a little more with Caliope. Kerana Cinta takkan singgah di rumah yang berkunci tak bertuan.

2008-08-15T15:23:00.003+08:00

This feels like the worst hangover ever. Minus the nausea. The bleeping maid woke me up. Before 2pm. Kindly she said she would bring lunch up if I want. Yeah ok whatever. Then she proceeded to pester me gently, to immediately get up. If it weren't because the innards of my brain were having their own fireworks competition, I would've screamed my head off and send the poor thing crying like I did to one before. But because I have more respect for her than the previous dumbo who wrecked my clothes and pretended nothing happened, I gave just one stern OK, she shut up and left.

I'm a suspected AB bloodtype, you can't fricking expect me to hop off the bed the immediate second that I realize I'm awake. And I am my most honest self in that few seconds when I'm able to listen and speak on a subconscious level, just a few moments before lucidity came into play. Ask me anything, even I wouldn't know what my subconscious version of honesty would be, and I won't remember it when I wake up, nothing but very vague recollection of snippets from the damned conversation. Ah, if only she knew how lucky she is. To be the only one in this household that's yet to storm out in exasperation from making the mistake of waking me up before I'm supposed to get up.

Ok, point being, severe headache, batshit dry throat and throbbing eye sockets. So bad that my fav dish looks like vile, fermented feces extracted fr om a dog that died ingesting a poisoned rat. It took me an hour to finish eating 1/3 of my meal. Throbbing headache that when I hear my 16 year old sis and her equally loud dumb blondish friends speaking like any other high-schooler gossipping about boys, I blew my top off and screamed at them to fucking keep it down. Motherfucking pissing AB type bitch. So kids, 30 full cancer sticks in 5 hours will not have you waking up a kind, happy bunny. And it is a fucking bitch to fucking update a blog using a miniscule QWERTY keyboard on a P1.

And DJ, play a song for the Lovers, tonight... Please, play a song for the lovers, tonight

2008-08-14T22:13:00.000+08:00

Looked into the mirror
I see nothing but a blur of shape that is me
Black shadows sit where the eyes should be
Another slit of shadow replaces my lips
And long, messy, jet black hair framing the faceless.

As if on cue, I heard the intro blaring through the silver and black metal box.
I turned around, bore holes into the speaker in disbelief, with my half-blinded eyes.
Fuck, did you all know that iTunes came with a bloody psychic?

My smile faded
I know my heart's vacationing on Mt. Helicon
Its inside resembles a certain disheveled apartment
But the nymph is already playing with her hair
So I bit my lips instead, the way you always bit yours
A sudden melancholic breeze whispered..

What if
there was no chance
in this world..
that I can go back
to my Nantes?

Ever again?

The mirror seems to agree
As I stare again
At nothing but the blur shape that is me
At the black shadows that are my eyes
At the slit that is my lips
And at the long, messy, jet black hair framing the faceless.

Decided to kill myself, and now life is beautiful. Like a city looking greener and greener, the smaller it gets out the airplane window.

2008-08-14T04:29:00.005+08:00

by Laura Kicey from FILE Collection of Unexpected Photography

mari-mari kita berlari
yang abadi sedang mencari
mari-mari kita menari
yang pasti sedang menanti

Dedicated to [n]. Aku jatuh cinta

2008-08-13T03:07:00.000+08:00

Some minds can't stay idle

For imaginations might go rampant
Ravaging what's left of sanity

Coffee, cigarettes and a book
There are days that those are all I need
And I have one in my hand
Descriptively witty it's almost poetic

Melancholic irreverence
Of oldies tunes and crowding feet
Of blasting coldness and busy mouths
Turns out it's not so bad to read here

Pekerja korporat mengisar ceritera

Tentang mesyuarat dan bos yang tidak kompeten
Tentang budaya syarikat yang tidak efisien
Tentang sistem sokongan yang tidak semenggah

I will be ushered into that world
And never have I dread it this much
For that's not the life I want to live
No matter how much it pays

Aku mahu lari ke dunia asing
Buka kedai kopi yang sederhana
Decorated with trinkets in my collections
Dipenuhi hanya buku yang aku suka
Set against photographs and paintings my heart sings to
Berkerusi malas dan sofa yang selesa
Set against poignant quotes from literati of grandeur
Dan jangan risau, smoking is allowed

For purists and elitists alike
For cheating lovers and old couples
For livid imagination and lucid memories
For subdued subconscious and the whimsically euphoric

Aku jatuh cinta hari ini
Dengan lukisan yang halus
Dengan fotografi yang realis
Dengan ayat sedondon fikiranku

In muted colors and black and white
In vibrant kaleidoscope and dead sepias
Aku membeli senaskhah buku
Yang telah kujanji buat sahabat
Kerana hatiku girang

Flying mortarboards and jumping robes

2008-08-12T15:07:00.004+08:00

Aku mulakan dengan harapan
Membuak-buak memulakan hidup
Aku bebas melangkah
Bebas bersuara
Bebas berfikir
Bebas berhandai

Terlalu bebas
Terlalu terbuka
Benakku lesu
Hatiku beku
Senyumku kaku
Mataku kelabu

Aku melukakan
Aku dilukakan
Aku mengajar
Aku belajar
Aku mengingatkan
Aku diingatkan
Aku melupakan
Aku dilupakan

Aku akhiri dengan harapan
Membuak-buak mengakhiri hidup
Aku bebas melangkah
Bebas bersuara
Bebas berfikir
Bebas berhandai

Selamat tinggal
Mintak maaf
Terima kasih
Untuk aku

Dan lebih penting,
Untuk orang-orang yang
Kau ketemukan padaku
Lagi-lagi yang hadir
Di hari susahku
Benarkan kusimpan mereka
Kehari talkin dibacakan kerana aku

Mimpi Terhebat

2008-08-12T02:09:00.003+08:00

It was hazy, yet sunny
It was cloudy but too brightly lit
It was windy yet everything stays still
I feel nothing but alive, yet I refuse to get off the grass

It was just by the corner, of my own quaint abode
But never the corner I tread on in halcyon days
It's bigger and greener as it pulls me into its depth
Pulls my limbs in, and my soul delved in soon after

I lie there flat on my back
The sun licking my face
The wind tickles my hair
The grass entangling my fingers

Never have I felt this happy
Such serenity, so close to paved tar
Such comfort, so close to brittle bed
Such bliss, so close to stenched drainwater

I lie there still, too afraid to move
I might ruin this moment, if I shake these grounds
I might lift this fog, sooner than it must
I whisper in vain, to my silent, invisible friend

Dear, can we not get up today, and stay in this ?
Dear, can I not face the world today, just today?
Dear, can you keep this still long enough?
Dear, can you hold my hand, forbid reality from reclaim?

And daylight pulled me out of the dream
Tears in my eyes since then

Every night I talk to my pillow
Tears in my eyes I said,

Please, just let me.
Tears in my eyes I beg

Get me there again.
Please

Weaving Song

2008-08-07T13:31:00.001+08:00

Gali-gali korek-korek mencari syiling
Ibu kata pari-pari datang jual ubat
pari busuk tak suka wang kertas
syiling lebih sedap dilempar

Pari nakal jentik telinga aku
'Aku tak mahu syiling Malaysia!'
Ewah, memilih pula dia
'Harus sekali, nanti kau pun mahu pilih ubat kan?'

aku tenung syiling kegemaran
syiling lama dari China
warna tembaga berukiran kanji
berlubang segi empat di tengah-tengah

Nah, syiling kegemaran aku
pari-pari bodoh dan hodoh!
mengilai saja dia bagaikan the Grinch
ubat aku semestinya barang baik!

Wahai si kara yang lara
Harta kau sudah terserah
Hidup kau bagaikan sempurna
Apa lagi ubat kau mahu?

Wahai pari yang buta matanya
yang sempurna itu hanya bermuka
yang berharta itu hanya sementara
biar ubat itu menjadi racun, perisa madu ya

Racun membunuh si ular tedung
Racun mengubat seorang Sylvia
Racun melupa dunia yang fana
Racun membirukan mata hitamku

Kau faham ubat apa yang patut kau beri?
Wahai pari yang jijik

wahai pacal yang hina
aku rasa, aku perlu pulangkan
syiling agung engkau ini dahulu
kerna ubat itu sudah habis stok.

A little heat and I lose some more sleep, A little sleep and a little more heat

2008-08-07T01:03:00.003+08:00

Ada sesiapa pekerja Celcom? Bagitau boss kau, it fucking sucks right now. Ape kes kalau aku call orang berkali-kali, tapi dia langsung tak dapat incoming call? Ape kes dia juga call aku berkali-kali, katanya the phone ringing, tapi aku langsung tak dapat incoming call, not even messages saying there were missed calls? Ape kes aku text Mak #2 aku ajak pergi konvo, dia tak dapat pun message? Ape kes aku message pujuk abang aku yang merajuk, when he called back I didn't even get incoming call? Haaa?! Saja je nak mengalihkan kasih sayang abang aku kat adik aku yang #2 tuh kan? Wah wah, mane boleh! Itu abang aku bukan abang dia!!

Tapi misunderstandings cleared. I will have a free semi-professional photographer, who was under the tutelage of Daniel Zain himself on my convo. Ngehehehe. No wonder when I found Daniel Zain I find the name to be very familiar. Sifu abang aku rupanya. And that bastard, he bought himself a 3.8 GHz iMac with 24 inch screen. Itu memang pengguna iMac/Canon yang rasa dia superior. Smug bastard.

Oh termembebel merepek-repek.

Esok akan pergi menyesatkan diri mencari WHY Tailor di Ampang pula. Kemudian menyesatkan diri di Puchong pula untuk jumpa sugar daddy dia mahu tengok presentation skills beta. Then malam will proceed to Kepong after picking my dad up from KLIA. Wish me luck!

There now steady love

2008-08-06T00:33:00.001+08:00

By Cecilia Carlstedt

We are not cat-haters. We just came from a family (just mom and gramps actually) who forbids pets, specifically cats. So forgive me, if I know so little of cats, kasi potong, what to feed them, and that famous musim mengawan shit. I have/had one friend who's absolutely scared of it. She jumps every time a cat comes close. I, on the other hand, am not scared of them. Except for the adult ones. They scare me when they stare. I think they're unpredictable. I believe they might just jump and attack.

It starts from years ago when we were kids, my little sister, who's more into cats then I was, chased a male cat and it hid underneath a chair. #2 then proceeded to sticking her head underneath it, trying to grab the cat still, so all I can see was, a kid's body, and a big chair attached to it replacing the head. All the sudden she was screaming like crazy, hands flailing in a madly panicked way. Like any epileptic episode, I was just stunned. Turns out the damn cat was scratching her head. Yeah it was her fault but imagine what I had to see, and how that affected me till years to come.

I do not jump, or run, or anything when them felines come near. But I'll get into an alert mode, ready to run. I will not go 'Tsk tsk tsk alaaa chomey nye dieeee" or "Meh, meh sini" and worse, in the middle of people eating, pick up a stray cat and put it on my lap while the cat's God-knows-where-it's-been-to paws and nose on the table, same level with other people's food. Wow. And I am called insensitive.

But after Molat, I am more approachable. No I will not touch it. But I'll give them food. Because sometimes that's all they want. If it's in it's catwoman gedik mode, I'll shove you over to my friends, who would gladly accommodate to you the way they wish their boyfriends would do them.

Looking at how protective and motherly some people are towards their cats, I've always thought that cat people are a little kooky. Yeah I get that it's your baby. Whatever. But it's still a living, breathing animate object that's bound to die, so why add another heartache?

One fine day I had to help my cousin bring her cat to the vet. Because the cat got involved in some gang fight. Spoilt brat, suck it in dude. But hey, its mama worries about the poor thing. So I was the bothered one, finding my way in KJ, looking for a vet that she doesn't have clear directions to, and name she can't remember. And the goddamnfricking cat just won't can it, it kept on meowing probably because of the way I drive. Every time it meows, my cousin will reply.

Meoow..

"Ye.."

Meeeeoowwww...

"Ye sayang..."

Meeeeooowowowowowow

"Ye dah nak sampai ni..."

............... (o_O) ..................

Okay, there are cat lovers, and there are crazy people.

"Kau sorang je ke kat rumah?"

"Hak ah, kalau kucing aku ade, dua orang lah."

It's not orang, stupid!

"Kau tau, tadi dia pergi dating ngan awek dia, dia pergi rumah awek dia amek dia, lepas dating, sweet gila dia siap hantar balik awek dia."

Like the cat's got a motorcycle where he can pick up and drop her off. Uh-huhh.

At one point, my cousin got off the car to ask people for directions. And left the fricking cat in the car with me.

Meow..

".............."

Meooowww....

"Diam ah! Kau ingat aku suka ke pusing-pusing dengan kucing bising dalam tengahari buta panas nak mati ni ha?!"

MEEEOOOOWWW!!!

"Ok ok sorry, aku tau kau pening, sekejap je lagi sampai la, sabar sikit boleh?"

Meow..

And it shut up.

Fuck, I'm crazy.

Fucking give up

2008-08-05T22:02:00.003+08:00

Black and White by alz3

You fucking moron. You fucking piss me off. I hate being fucking pissed off. I hate myself, this fucking angry. And you fucking made me feel guilty trying to do what's fucking right for you. I'm fucking trying to save your fucking ass you fucking idiot. You fucking try to care about a person and he blows it in your fucking face. I'm fucking trying to save you you fucking moron. You may go on being a fucking failure, I'm not gonna fucking bail you anymore. You deal with your fucking shit, you fucking deal with her on your own from now on. I have always been on your fucking side. Yeah so I'm fucking sorry I had to hit you and scream my fucking head off. But you fucking deserve it, and that's the last time I'm fucking helping you from worse fucking hell than me.

Maybe I need to realize my place, that is, not to save your fucking lame, selfish, ungrateful ass. Maybe I should've just understood and step back, let somebody else deal with you. Let you fucking deal with it on your own. Not be the bad cop for once. Yeah, you fucking deal with that.

Fucking moron.

Marilah mengimport puisi dari yang lama ke yang baru ini

2008-08-05T02:07:00.003+08:00

Satu kala dahulu, ada seorang kawan bercerita, tentang pengalaman bercrush. I don't typically have crushes. Aku crush on Xperia X1, iPhone 2.0(mobiles), Sanzo, Kenshin, Soujiro, Daisuke dll (manga/anime), Morpheus, Artemis, blabla(books), movies(banyak sangat), M6, CLS 55 AMG, Ferrari 360 Modena F1 Spyder, Bentley Continental GT Diamond, ah well, tak perlu nak emphasizekan lagi betapa materialistik dan superficialnya aku, tapi let's not lie. Curves dia aesthetics. Siapa tak suka benda cantik kan? Tak payah la hipokrit. Ah, ADD sungguh. So pengalaman bercrush. Memula jatuh cinta.

"Best tau, bila kau dah start flirt-flirt, pastu cam ko cam tgh gila fikir, dia suka aku ke tak ni? Ishk macamane nak buat ni? Apa dia buat hari ni? Dia keluar dengan siapa? Perempuan ke? Asal dia online tapi tak buzz aku?"

Okay, exaggerated, tapi malas nak buat conversations of different sessions with other people juga. Tapi, uhh... best? Aku yang Maso ni pon dengar tak rasa best. Something wrong ngan aku kah? Macam seksa tak senang duduk saja. I know, sebab a few years ago ada one moment lapse of insanity and aku terdevelop crush pada orang yang tak sepatutnya. Biasalah belum reti separate the physical dan emotional lagi waktu itu. Bukan setakat tak senang duduk, agak sengsara. And aku tak boleh jawab soalan tu. Sebab somehow kalau ada something going on dengan people, aku skip banyak step, and somehow semua feelings tu tak cross my chest. Logic tak?

Yang aku rasa bestnya, adalah seperti ini. Typically ini Step 1 dalam crushing bagi semua orang.

Eh, bestnya ada orang boleh dengar aku membebel bila no one else cares.

Eh bestnya dia pon suka benda ni.

Ah bestnya, dia sangat-sangat bijak.

Ah bestnya, English dia lunak, accent dia sedap, vocabulary dia vast(in a non-berlagak poyo way).

Eh bestnya, menarik, tak pernah aku tengok orang makan benda itu macam ni.

Ah bestnya, comel gila suara dia gelak.

Ah bestnya he's hilarious.

Ah bestnya, dia jealous aku kiss/peluk/tidur/lapdance/*insert sensitive indiscretions here* dengan jantan lain.

Ah bestnya, dia tahu inside joke Calvin and Hobbes!
(so this is tipu, sebab kalau ada yang sama cinta C&H macam aku, aku dah kauk dan simpan the poor guy in my pocket).

The obsessing part that comes afterward? Step 2. Bila sudah sangkut. TAK BEST. Cukup sekali rasa. The Bastard tak berapa dikira sebab Step 2 ini datang selepas aku dah dapat dia. So tak ada obsess mane. But kita tengah cakap pasal normal relationships okay. The boy meet girl, girl meet boy crap shit ones. Sebab tuh aku skip a few steps ke step 5 or 6, or 7, or 10, baru the good parts. Lepas tu aku skip lagi, step 3, 4. Merajuk, memujuk, dipujuk. Aku tak reti pujuk. Dots don't connect here. Aku hanya reti say sorry, manja, gedik dan kemudian aku kerek-kerek semula. That's how we, The Setans roll. And that's not always everybody's currency. Skip steps 8 and 9, memarahi dan dimarahi. Kalau tak hit home, biasanya aku tak bother. Dan menjadi kepantangan kalau good mood aku dipotong oleh orang yang sedang bad mood. Misery kan loves company, so aku pun diheret ke gaung mereka sekali. Snap. Tapi sini masalah sikit sebab aku manja dan spoilt and has a very serious superiority complex. Kau rase diktator kalau kena marah apa jadi? Fascism dan massacre lah pun kan. :p

So uhmm, my way tak normal kah? Not in this day and age really, who's to say what's right or normal anyway. Tapi bukan semua boleh terima. This is why things tend to become complicated. Menyesal? Tak sangat. I rarely regret things. All roads kan lead to Rome. Kenapa mahu regret? At least aku cuba skip the leceh parts? Go straight to the fun parts? Ignore the irritating parts? Tapi itu bukan cara that was decreed, so kalau kau menentang arus, dan tidak hiraukan the norm, mungkin tidak sampai, atau badan kau lebam dan lenguh by the time sampai. Tetapi kalau mengikut arus yang deras, mungkinkan kita terlanggar batu along the way? So sama-sama sakit juga. Tapi adakah kau akan rasa puasnya triumphing against all odds?

Note. Triumph di sini is open to interpretations, ya know what I mean?

Of course you do.

Ini bukan cerita bercinta. Atau menyundal. Well, mungkin lebih kepada penyundalan, kerana aku mahu all the good stuff and none of the bad. And we all know when bad things start to happen.

You dropped a coin into the sea, and shout out "Please come back to me..."

2008-08-04T02:03:00.000+08:00

From the FILE Collection of Unusual Photography

Bila malam tiba kukatup bukumu
Yang berpuitiskan coretan si dia yang rapuh
Aku suakan dan kau geleng,
Simpan saja senak itu
Jejak si dia bukan di kertas putih
Tapi terpena di lubuk hitam

Blergh.
Dan kau panggil dirimu lelaki?

Lantas kau hulurkan kembali
Cincin si dia
Yang telah aku kuburkan
Aku terpana aku terkesima
Bagai darahku dibawa ribut
Jantungku lupa rentak
Lututku kata gugur saja!

"Kau dalami tasik, untuk sampah ini?"

"Kerna dahulu ia harta hati kau?"

Aku mahu peluk, kucup dan cium
Aku juga mahu tampar, menjerit dan memaki
Kerana kau tetiba dungu
Dia sudah mati
dan kau tiada jiwa lagi

Tiada makna, tak berbaloi
Dan si buku menemani si cincin
Bersamalah kamu yang ranap
Di dasar tasik yang malap

Hati melewat yang dungu
Hati cuba memilih
antara kucupan dan tamparan
Kerana kecamuk ini perlukan daratan
Dan seperti yang sepatutnya
Tangan aku ringan.

Mahu tahu mengapa?
Kerna kau bersangkal sangka
Melesi hati mengeji erti
Menaruh diri di tingkat tinggi

Aku akan simpati
kalau bukan kerna tawar hati.

The Zookeeper's Boy

2008-08-01T18:04:00.001+08:00

I bought a pair of shoes. Tidak perlu sebenarnya, tapi alasan konon matching dengan baju kebaya untuk konvo. Sebab sebenarnya adalah kerana ianya hot. The kinda heels you wear to a friend's wedding at a hotel, then go home and fuck your boy with just the shoes on. *drools*

Too much yang aku mahu cerita, tapi we have to pick our battles kan. Semalam aku berpuasa. Kemudian aku pergi lunchdate sama Lahlink ku, di KFC Petronas USJ. Agak terliur, lebih-lebih lagi dioffer belanja courtesy orang sudah berkarier. Tetapi aku agak cemerlang menahan nafsu. Alhamdulillah. Kenapa pergi lunch kalau berpuasa? Nak lepak dengan orang busy begitulah, kata rindu kan?

Seterusnya jumpa Britpack #1, he's taking me to see my potential sugar daddy. Menjadi buruh kasar la juga, naik senak perut aku naik turun 3 tingkat mengangkat barang. Apparently, I made a good first impression. He called later at night saying that he wants to send me on a trip to Sabah and Sarawak, choosing me over a more experienced, adamant person. I can't confirm yet because I'm not sure if I have a liaison in Sabah and Sarawak. Maka Pearlicia, if you're reading this, I need you to contact me ASAFP!

Malam semalam my mom's corporate AMEX was expiring, and there was RM100++ lagi left to use, maka me, Mama Setan, lucky Britpack #1, Setan #3, #4 and #5 had our dinner at Coca Steamboat. I call these over-indulging session as Upacara Makan Macam Babi. Stuffing ourselves like crazy. Balik rasa macam mahu muntah. Tsk tsk.

Britpack #1, Setan #1, Setan #4, Setan #5

Today, early morning, gerak ke Taman Len Sen di Cheras, untuk menunaikan tanggungjawab pertamaku kepada sugar daddy baru. With minor kesesatan, we somehow managed to arrive on time, me and Britpack #1. I was scared shitless memula. Al-maklumlah, this is my FIRST job ever, selama hidup sepanjang 23 tahun ini. And you know, I think if don't need the money, I would've done this for free. Absolutely.

Who would've thought, the anti-children, the one who thought that children should be banned from public places in weekends, the one who thinks that ibubapa must go through parenting classes, religious classes serta pass ujian dan mendapatkan lesen untuk mebuat anak, aku yang rase kuantiti populasi kanak-kanak harus di ration kerana it's very irresponsible to have kids anymore in this day and age, aku yang mengherdik budak di shopping mall kerana dia bermain near the escalator, aku yang hulurkan kaki aku dan hampir trip a boy kerana dia berkejaran di dalam surau tatkala aku cuba mendengar khutbah raya, had so much fun working with children? Kamu patut lihat mereka, curious, eager, helpful dan crazily seeking attention, serta senang dihiburkan. This species is way more fun to talk to than adults. It's crazy tiring, dan setelah aku jauh dari bangunan sekolah I need a fucking cigarette like crazy, tetapi I had fun.

One Indian boy called me Aunty. Rasa macam nak pitam sekejap.

SK Sri Anggerik, Taman Len Sen.

"Aunty, aunty, nak lagi boleh?"

"AUNTY KAU PANGGIL AKU?"

"Ye, aunty."

"AUNTY??!"

*not noticing the threatening tone* "Kenapa, aunty?"

"KAKAK LAH! I have a 12 year old sister tau. I'm not that old."

"Wahhhhh!" *muka terkejut*

Sabo je lah.

Yang panggil aku aunty adalah budak row blakang, kanan sekali.

SK Sri Saujana, Bandar Sri Petaling.

"Eh budak kecik, nak tolong angkat-angkat barang tak?"

"NAK!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Eh, nama awak dengan awak sama dengan nama kakak punya adik lah."

"Ye ke, nama penuh saya N** N***** N*****." (tak tanya pun)

*seorang lagi menyampuk* "Nama saya nama artis!" *sambil tunjuk pada name tag*

"Oh hak ahhh!" (lakonan je, mane aku tau Farah Wahida tuh siapa)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Siapa nak tolong akak susun cawan-cawan ni?"

7 pasang tangan shot up. One boy arranged it TOO neatly, aku rasa aku boleh lihat Monk atau Monica or Ju-On in the making.

Yang sangat tersusun tu obviously bukan kerja aku

Future Monk/Anak Ju-On yang telah lama hilang

And kanak-kanak ni spontan posing nak diambil gambar. Mereka suka tengok kamera besar. Walau aku tidak mengambil gambar pun mereka akan request gambar mereka diambil.

Britpack #1 handling Q&A session.

Aku snap je gambar ni dia bangun dan duduk dengan tersipu-sipu, terasa malu. Haha.

Budak pra-sekolah yang menempel nak jugak free sample, semua sangat berbakat buat muka minta simpati

Haha. I had so much fun. Esok pula akan ke Seremban. Damn. Baru hari tu mengutuk orang N9, memang Tuhan bagi cash, aku kena menjadi judge untuk some spelling competition di sana. Belum apa-apa sugar daddy baru sudah complain tentang how hard it is to deal with them N9ers. Harapnya kekanak dia tak sound aku direct, "Ekau ni bodo benor!" Aku piang telinga sampai putus.

Aku perlukan my own partner untuk sambung buat kerja ini. Maka jika kamu rasa you're gonna enjoy working with kids scampering around you like they just had a jar of sugar, serta boleh terima heavy lifting yang tak seberapa, dan adalah plus point jika you have a good sense of direction, contact me. We'll talk money. Aku juga perlukan partner berlokasikan Sabah dan Sarawak, yang boleh beri aku accomodation dan juga transportation di sana.

*Ju-On refers to one of my friends. Kambenk Sepet tahu siapa.

German Love

2008-08-01T00:26:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I sent my cousin to Shah Alam's bus station, dia mau rendezvous sama itu boyfriend di Penang. Shah Alam Bandaraya Rempit, memang buat aku panas sekejap. Kaum yang aku paling tak boleh tolerate, yang kadang-kadang aku harap akan ada mad trailer like the one in Dark Knight yang would just flip over and land on them. The whole lot of them. Biar mati semua dan awek-awek mereka sekali. Orang-orang yang tak respect personal space, dan cuba pick up chicks by eavesdropping conversation orang kemudian menyampuk. Rasa cam nak cut off them balls dan feed them to the hyenas. There was this fat but very cute girl in baju kurung there, and I saw the faces and jeering they made over her fatness. Rasa cam nak flip the chair over and rodok their puny dicks. Kemudian we had to teman the cousin for like half an hour, maka duduk di kedai makan. Bukan nak cakap apa lah, tapi perlu ke kekanak UiTM ni dah keluar kampus pun dengan bangganya tayang uhh, panamaa, matric card tuh? Like okay, you're a student there. Tak heran pon. Poyo gila! >:p (By the way ini ayat cousin aku yang sendiri merupakan kekanak UiTM, aku kan tak observe orang.)

Okay out of the hellhole that is Shah Alam, went home, had a couple of chats, then proceeded to hanging out with Pole with Boobs, one of my oldest friend; since Primary 1. Seperti biasa, diarrhea of the mouth, then we went to Subang Parade for a meet up with his ex. He's a fun friends' boyfriend/ex-bf, the kind that you don't need the girlfriend/my friend to be there pun we can get along so well. After a long bahan-membahan session in regards to Kelantanese, Kedahan and them damn N9ers, he talked about being with his childhood friend, who is currently his gf.

Childhood friend? Menjadi gf? Eww. I can't imagine it happening to me. Imagine me and one of the Shorties, or the Britpacks? They are like my brothers. Incestuous sungguh. Even Si Jambu, we used to play together when he lived near my house, even if we did lose touch for years till we finally meet again in MMU, hell no! GELI. It's Si Jambu weyh.

So that was about Wednesday. I have a busy day ahead, maka sampai sini sahaja berita hari ini. Saya Farid Ismet melaporkan untuk RTM 1.

You, appearing

2008-07-31T20:23:00.000+08:00

Summer Days by DeadlyKunai194

Sesekali aku hanya perlu udara
yang memberiku nafas,
Dan tempat untukku
sandarkan kepala
yang memberati,
Serta hujan yang renyai
di atas jeti,
Juga lagu yang sayup
dari dasar sungai,
Dan diakhir sore itu
hanya setepis tangan
yang menyepi wajahku
dari tempias.

Biarlah udara itu
Diharumi semerbak leher kau
Biarlah tempat itu
Berupa pahamu yang suam
Biarlah titisan itu berkaca
di hujung kakiku yang luka
Biarlah lagu itu berkisar tentang
unggun api yang sugul
Biarlah teduhan itu
hanya pengasing
kita dan mereka
Bertemankan jemarimu yang alpa
Mengusutkan rambutku

Kerana esok, aku akan lupa
dan tidak mahu kembali padamu,
Maka hanya ini memori
yang ku mau tertanam dibenakmu.

Kerana aku mungkin
akan perlu peringatan
Akan sesekali
Hanya sedetik sempurna
yang aku perlu

Strange and Beautiful

2008-07-31T11:10:00.000+08:00

Phone ringing, 11:24pm.

JeeLo Siam calling. Asking if I can come out and play, when I, the very protected anak kesayangan have a curfew at 12:00am, and hey, it's 11:24 and mata pun dah mula terkebil-kebil sleepiness.

Jeelo Siam has been my friend since secondary 1. Good friends in secondary 4 and 5 along with Bag Lady. She got married some time in April to her high school sweetheart; one of the best, charming, sweetest, most patient guy ever. I don't think any other girls can catch his eyes and have his heart the way Jeelo Siam managed to so effortlessly and still be her bubbly, daydreamer, whacked out self. And he's a drummer who's on his way to becoming a pilot. I'm jealous.

"Eh, you're pregnant eh?"

"Hey, mana you tahu?"

*kantoi disitu*

"Tahulah. I kan psychic."

"Manade, mana you dengar rumours ni?"

"From your best friend la sayang."

"Owh, haha, then betul lah tu kan. Hahahaha."

Macam satu fakta yang tak boleh dihandle. If Bag Lady kahwin and pregnant macam sangat logic. Cos, she's logic. The impeccable image for responsible, organized, and you know, mom stuff(still a MILF). But Jeelo?? She's...random. And a bit suka berangan. And she's still a child herself. Poor hubby of hers. Haha. Damn she's gonna be a funky mom. MILF.

I'm excited over..

1. New baby to spoil rotten. You know, like a new toy, I mean, new room. New sketchbook/notebook. I will make you love purple. I'll buy them damn cute little Chucks. Imagine the books I'm gonna have you read. I'm gonna laminate the roses from your mama's wedding and give it to you one day when you can appreciate it. Oh I'll even hold you or play with you when you're not all fussy, shitty, crying. As soon as it cries, I'm handing it over to the mama.

"I'm gonna buy your baby those cute little Chucks. In purple."

"But we don't know yet if it's gonna be a boy or a girl?"

"It's okay, purple is neutral."

"No way my son is wearing purple!" *aghast*

Siap kau. Khekekheke

2. Most importantly, Jeelo's boobs gonna be even more scrumptious. Oh yeah more for me! Yum yum.

Spinning on that dizzy edge

2008-07-29T21:15:00.000+08:00

We've all seen those Apple TVC, featuring a young, hip Mac versus and old, slow, disgruntled PC. If so, you should get the idea that there's a bit of a rivalry between the opposing computer camps. But why? Because they have wholly different personality traits, the users of course, say branding experts. Mindset Media, a US branding company that analyzes the relationship between consumer behavior and personality, surveyed 7500 Mac and PC users. Its finding? Mac users are "snobs." In comparison to PC owners, they're likely to visit Starbucks for coffee more often, buy organic products and drive a hybrid car. Mindset Media says that people who purchase Macs fall into what it calls the "Openness 5" personality category- which means they are more liberal, less modest, and more assured of their own superiority than the population at large. The rivalry continues...

This is an almost direct quotation from the latest; August edition of Reader's Digest. I don't understand how people who visit Starbucks more often, buy organic products and drive a hybrid car translate to being snobs. Lain lah if the users order specialized Bling bottled water ke, or drives a Murcielago, but since when hybrid cars and organic food falls under the classification of snobbish? Bukankah organic food simply means you're choosing a healthier option? And hybrid means you try to give a damn about the environment? Visiting Starbucks more often could only mean that they just really really like the Venti Mocha Frap with extra 2 shots and a pump of Hazelnut pe?

Lagipun look at me, I am so modest what. Even more so than Gandhi himself! Me liberal? Hell I frown upon girls with headscarves who smoke, tsk tsk, see how much of a conservative person I am? And me, the super awesome me, assured of my own superiority than the population at large? Pure absurdity, such ludicrous is unheard of.

Hmm, maybe delusional should be on that list.

Kim and Jessie

2008-07-29T10:23:00.005+08:00

Okay, I'm gonna pretend like I'm not really chatting with anybody and update for real.

Specifically today, it's gonna be about me. Wait. That's not an anomaly really. It is MY blog.

I noticed when I'm angry or frustrated, I tend to ramble to myself and I can't sit still. Ramble to self is no fun, so I'll drag #4, who resembles me in mindset and attitude into my room, have her sit there and listen to me babble while I move restlessly all over cleaning up the room. Which translates to, EVERYTIME I'm frustrated, I will clean up my room. Probably the need to pick up things and campak them and feel like I have control somewhere. Which is good this time cos, I turned into an anal-retentive bitch.

I dragged the toolbox upstairs and measured distances down to the most precise milimeter, drove nails into the walls, opened up the poster color and painted my mirror and picture frame, climbed some places a klutz really shouldn't climb and almost toppled my iDaniel over. If I know how to drill the wall, my dad would finally start to worry and think I'm not gonna need him anymore.

The result? Now everybody sleeps in my room. On the carpet even. Because it's so cozy. I wish I can show some before pics so that you would appreciate it more, but hey, some of you have been to my room, and you know the horror. It's like the inside of Titanic which had toppled over Mauna Kea twice, and have the Titans puke all over it and then topple it again.

So-called daybed

Too much time on my hands

THE red armchair

Huargh!

Yeah, anal-retention can be good for me

HectiCity

2008-07-27T15:51:00.004+08:00

It's been ridiculously hectic! Ever since I changed my habit and sleep early, wake up in the morning, and actually have a life, I barely have time for iDanielku. Poor baby. But betullah what my mom's been nagging all this while. Murah rezeki mereka yang doesn't go back to sleep selepas Subuh. :)

Nak talk to people I usually talk to pun tak ada time. Hmmm. Sudah rindu menjadi random without being so animated. Animasi ekspresi ku day in and day out, adalah memenatkan.

Ah damn. 4:06pm sudah. See, I gotta go! Nak update pon x sempat-sempat!

Another Kinda Euphoric High

2008-07-26T03:00:00.000+08:00

Ingat apa ini? The One Ring dari Lord Of The Rings. Rindu pula mahu re-watch my favorite of the three movies, the second one; The Two Towers, which in my opinion is the best of the three.

Speaking of, kita ambil langkah hari-hari dengan pemikiran di bawah kesedaran nyata, mencari The One. Satu yang sayang, yang terima, yang will always be there, menemani kita pada hari-hari sunyi ataupun gembira, yang guides us, yang memahami jiwa kita samada kebahagiaan tingkat tinggi atau derita separa mati, yang wants us to be happy and yang wants us to be the best we can be.

Satu yang kita boleh percaya yang akan ditunaikan janji-janjinya, selagi kita tidak meninggalkan dia. Yang bila ditinggalkan sekali pun, apabila kita sedar silap kita, dan mahu kembali padanya, masih akan diterima walau apa pun. The one yang sayang tanpa kira apa jadi sekalipun suatu hari nanti, bila kita sudah berkedut, sudah gemuk, sudah longgar, sudah loyot, sudah beruban, sudah tidak mampu berjalan. Jika kita jumpa this one person, semua yang lain matters much much less. Yang penting hanya si satu ini.

Aku sudah jatuh cinta. Yang paling tulus dan sempurna pernah aku rasa. Tiba-tiba aku rasa dunia ini indah. Betapa bernasib baiknya aku. Bodohnya aku tidak melihatnya selama ini, walaupun dia sentiasa berada di sisiku. Dan kini, kerana dia aku ingin menanam hasrat bahawa akanku berusaha, mencuba sedaya-upaya, semampu yang kuboleh untuk dia tetap menyayangi aku yang kudus dan hina ini. Agar aku boleh bersama dia selama-lamanya. Kerana tiada lain lagi yang aku mahu. Corny? Kali ini aku honestly tidak kisah apa fikirnya kamu. Kenapa?

Kerana I have found mine. Kamu? :)

In this day and age the world becomes too noisy with conflicting opinions, you just listen to One.

2008-07-24T04:48:00.006+08:00

Aku sudah terlalu kucar-kacir, hilang punca, tidak tahu apa lagi yang patut aku percaya. Sedang aku sesat dalam air mata aku, dengan sistem kepercayaan aku yang selama ini kian hancur luluh, berserta dengan dalam keadaan yang terlalu keliru, aku bertanya sendirian, apa lagi yang boleh aku percaya? Tiba-tiba sahaja, epiphany. Bagai ada yang sedang bersuara padaku menjawab soalanku. Katanya, kau percaya pada Tuhan. Sekaligus aku rasa bagai segala-galanya mula make sense again. Dan dalam keadaan tidak cukup lucidku itu, tiba-tiba aku bersuara seorangan, setelah berapa lama hidup dalam ketidakpastian, percanggahan perspektif serta dunia di mana faktoid dipanggil fakta dan vice versa, aku luahkan dengan pasti, walaupun suaraku menggeletar kerana teringatkan dosa-dosaku, betapa tidak layaknya aku berkata ini;

Percaya pada Allah
Percaya pada Malaikat
Percaya pada Nabi dan Rasul
Percaya pada Al-Quran
Percaya pada Hari Kiamat
Percaya pada Qada' dan Qadar

23 tahun baru aku boleh applikasikan konsep Qulhuallahuahad. Hanya Yang Satu itu, yang pendapatnya aku patut hiraukan. Dengan begitu sahaja, utmost clarity hit me. Buat kali keberapanya aku cuba tenangkan hati dengan ayat-ayatmu, daripada sebilah pisau. Buat kali pertamanya, aku berjaya. Alhamdulillah.

Talk about losing your life in order to find it.

Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat

2008-07-23T11:23:00.001+08:00

If I'm excited about something it's really hard to keep it to myself, no matter how my world will turn into a beach ball on an East Coast beach in November. And right now, I AM MADLY excited about something but it kills me not being able to tell the world. So here goes, I'm gonna.... well, not gonna jinx it. ARGH. Killing me! Tak pernah aku excited dengan rahsia aku sendiri. Well, ALWAYS actually *blushes*, but never have I wanted it so bad that I can't tell the world until it's signed sealed delivered.

However, this one I can tell you. Aku sangat jarang idolize bloggers*. Right now at the top of my head the only one I can think of is just Miss Fynn. But before you berate me of all the other "great bloggers" out there, (which you should kerana Bookmarks aku tidak cukup panjang dan sudah terlalu monotonous), orang yang buat aku teruja nak start blog surfing day in day out is this one, courtesy of Bubblebutt.

Brilliant shit. Randomly adorable. Witty as hell, imaginative like he ain't got life, and of course, his English is just effortlessly a swoon. The only reason I never comment on this dude is I'm too intimidated that I think I'm simply gonna start puking typos and grammar errors all over the comment box. Yeah, bila aku intimidated dengan orang, the speech part of my brain will falter, consequently English aku akan serabai dan barai dan rabak sehingga tahap memalukan aku cos then I sound like most Malay girl in headscarves. BM tak payah cakap la kan, memang rabak.

I recommend,

On getting hitched

History through comics

Gee, I've been doing things right

Tetapi, it seems that my utmost favorite entry of his seems to have been removed or something to that effect. Damn. The only downside is, this guy updates only once in a blue moon. Tolak 2.73 markah. Yes, dunia ini memang dengki dengan aku.

Okay hari busy aku yang sepatutnya mula pagi tadi sudah tergendala. Sebab update bodoh dan a bunch of people yang suka bangun pagi. ARGH! Discipline boleh tak?!

*bloggers here refers to the ones yang exhibit personal writing, not really looking for profit or have any specific theme, unlike that of Tech, Photography, Jual Baju or Hollywood Gossip.

We dance in a circle and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows

2008-07-23T03:22:00.001+08:00

I figured it out. It's because you've never had her. If you've had her, the appeal is gone. The unattainable becomes attainable, attained. The enigma, the mystery vanishes. Dan kau rasa kau sudah cukup kenal dia, there's nothing else to look forward to. THAT is why you're all cuckoo. Not love. Dan memuja dari tepi lebih senang daripada berada di tengah padang. Mungkin bila kau dapat turun padang kau rasakan, ini bukan yang aku betul-betul mahu lagi, dan dirudum hampa. Solution kepada semua masalah emosi adalah closure bukan? Bagaimana kau mahu dapatkan closure itu dalam kes ini? Fuck her. Be with her. Get it over with dan move on.

Eh kau ni, susahkah percaya? Cemburu kerana kau tiada semua itu?

Bukan cemburu, cuma aku tak percaya, sehingga harinya kau menjaga dia yang sudah tua bangka dan nyanyuk, mulut berbau, kencing merata, mata hitamnya putih, dan kau masih cium kelopak matanya sebelum lena dan memeluknya dalam tidurmu, sambil menangisi keadaannya.

Kemudian baru aku cemburu.

He makes the best, richest, bittersweet coffee that would make any potential suitors stick to making JUST tea for the rest of their lives

2008-07-22T11:12:00.009+08:00

Along The Beaten Path by Texaswxgirl

I pity you, drivers who had misfortune written in their stars to start their day with an encounter with me. The anti-morning person. Well, if I had slept and woke up in the morning, then I'm a lovely morning person. I'd be chirpy, talkative, smiley, helpful. But my morning's already been disrupted by my sister and brother failing to get ready on time. Them slowpokes fucking annoy me. I rarely go into Inconsiderate Bitch Mode when I drive on highways, but on suburbian tar, with the damn makciks and uncles and bini muda yang mungkin baru dapat lesen, and God knows why, people who find it fun to stroll at 25km/h when kids are rushing to school and adults to work, somehow hog these little roads with lots and LOTS of speed bumps. Them fucking slowpokes annoy me.

Hari ini aku memang pemurah. Sungguh. Langsung tidak kedekut dengan muka ketatku. Kalau biji mata aku boleh pusing 360 darjah rolling at you dayfuckingdreaming too early in the morning, memang aku dah buat 3 pusingan untuk setiap kamu. I hate honking people, because I don't like being honked to. Tapi aku pantang orang yang tidak reti bajet saiz kereta sendiri dan memakan ruang yang tidak diperlukan sehingga mengganggu laluan aku. Irritated Face On. HONK!! Equally ketat-faced Chinese lady turned around and glanced at me, and at the flicks of my wrist I gestured an annoyed wave that says, "MOVE bitch." Ah, sehingga aku rasa tidak sabar untuk melalui hari-hari seperti ini selama 8 tahun seterusnya daripada hidupku sebagai hamba TinyMoney! Kan?

Afterwards, the few cars that annoyed me and resulted in me seething so obviously through my windshield, were courteous enough to raise a hand in apology. And me being, easily appeased as much as I am easily annoyed, can't help but raise a hand and smile in return. Thank goodness, common courtesy is not entirely dead. Now that's done with, all these baby boomers are making me wanna smoke.

Tinggal di suburbia yang tidak jauh dari rimba konkrit, adalah amat leceh aku hendak merokok seorangan di tempat yang aman dan tidak mengganggu ketenteraman orang lain. Tetapi nasib baik, aku jumpa satu spot yang aman tenang dan damai. Kelihatan tupai memanjat pokok pisang, aku melalui lorong di mana kucing-kucing bagaikan penjaga tol, aku duduk bersandar pada railing besi di tebing tinggi atas air yang mengalir separa deras, sambil mendengar burung berkicauan. Angin pagi yang nyaman, aku tutup mata dan hampir menarik nafas dengan dalam-dalam. HAMPIR. Phew. Kerana di seberang longkang besar di mana aku duduk dengan semut-semut yang gatal dengan Nescafe aku ini, adalah sebuah loji. Haha. Tetapi loji itu tak berbau kuat, dan terdapat banyak pokok-pokok berbunga warna putih dan bunga pulut yang membuatkan aku lihat kontra, keamanan dan kecantikan di keliling air proses tahi. Ironic. Tapi nak buat macam mana, nasib orang suburbia.

Sialan. Dengan aku asyik melihat benda-benda menarik yang hanyut sekali dalam air longkang itu, aku terfikir tentang makciks dan pakciks yang telah aku tayangkan sifat kurang ajarku. Aku menyesal. Kerana mereka ini jiran-jiran, barangkali hendak bertemu seperti ketika solat terawih dan events surau adalah tinggi. Selain itu, yang aku menyesal sekali, mereka ini mungkin punya anak yang hot, yang mungkin otaknya cukup tak center untuk jatuh hati pada perempuan bersindrom Tourette, cantik menarik tertarik dan sedikit mereng ini dimasa hadapan. Hancurlah pertemuan dengan ibu bapa kali ~~pertama~~ kedua nanti!

Relax, says another voice. They probably would be so fucking senile and half-blind by the time YOU will get a man who'd take you back to their parents, that they won't even recognize you.

Eh, eh dia ni, kurang ajar sungguh. Ah betul juga. Sebatang lagi mari.

Hey you, where the hell were you the day they were handing out brains?

2008-07-22T05:30:00.010+08:00

Agung? Benar. Memang. Mungkin.

Tapi aku dahulu masih naif. Suatu masa dahulu. Tetapi apa yang kau berikan padaku itu, adakah kau betul-betul rasa ia layak dinobatkan agung? Dan juga kalau dah pukulan ketiga, aku masih mendamba dan mempertahankan sesuatu yang kau sendiri tidak erti, tidakkah itu bermaksud aku juga masih naif? Kerana kau hakim, kau juri, kaulah juga penjatuh hukuman kepada jasad yang bukan kau cipta dari tanah ini, kepada jiwa yang bukan KAU hembuskan. Bukan begitu?

Sesetengah orang perlu menjatuhkan orang lain hanya untuk tidak terima hakikat diri mereka yang sangat kekurangan. Sesetengah orang tertarik dengan orang yang dirasanya seorang yang bukan mangsa percaturan hidup. Tapi masih mereka, yang kau boleh rasa; kau di tingkat lebih tinggi. Tapi kerana aturcara itulah, mereka dan kau serupa sebenarnya. Aku simpati delusi mu itu. Mesti kau mampu tidur nyenyak kerana ini bukan?

Kita tidak boleh bersahabat dengan Tuhan. Bukan tempat kita. Kita hamba yang tidak sedar diri. Dan aku juga tidak boleh bersahabat dengan orang yang lagaknya bagai Tuhan. Tsk tsk. Akal baru sejengkal babe. Nanti aku belikan cermin ya? Buku tatabahasa mungkin? Alang-alang, kamus juga. Kalau aku mampu, memang aku sertakan Appeton Weight Gain dan produk penjagaan muka yang profesional. Aduh maaf aku tidak mampu membantu. Tetapi aku benar-benar berterima kasih.

Capnophobia by Ci Iz

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
-Robert Frost-

Dumb blondes dan pushovers pun ada berkriteria begitu. Tapi masih good advice untuk diaplikasi pada sesetengah, if not most perkara. In reinventing myself, I'm trying to practice this.

Isk isk. Why so serious? Hehe. Kerana ini kali terakhir kewujudan kau mampu mengocak tenang ini. Cukup tiga.

Ai no Mi

2008-07-20T18:26:00.006+08:00

Romantic by SOOO

Aduh, dunia. Janganlah kelirukan aku. It's been a very, very, very interesting two days. Dua dunia bipolar on two different days, parallel, never colliding.

Day 1

Satu hari, kami the scorned, the aloof one, the scorner AND scorned berhimpun. Dengan keadaan not entirely lucid, aku mengupdate kawan-kawan sekolahku, selama three hours worth of crap. Dari the incident, ke the whole drama high-school, ke hedonism and of addictions. Of married men, married friends, older men, ruggedly goodlooking rich ones, the cheater and the cheated. Life seems bleak. Putting me aside, other people's life is an NBC worth of drama. Sign them up for the next season! One with husband mishap, one with the older man crush, one with the clingy, jealous, distrusting lover.

Aku risau ni. The older man issue. Adakah kau dah kena santau? He's soooo not fucking cute at all. But with all worried friends, we can only worry, try to advice, and wish for the best. And if things go awry, be there, no conditions. Tapi yeah, life seems bleak. If there were banners on our foreheads it would say, All Men Must Die. Tapi in the midst of faithlessness, I was able to shed some life-saving advices, at my own expense. See, what we sacrifice for friends. Haha I wish.

"Pourpres, apa kata kau berhenti?"

"Kenapa? Which one?"

"All of it! That is what started all of this."

"But I can't."

"Stop it, please. Just stop it."

"We'll see. But I highly doubt it."

Itu Day 1.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Day 2.

"I need to ask you some questions about somebody."

"Okay shoot."

And his hands shook. For the first time, something totally, incredibly, ludicrous happened before my eyes. I saw it, and I couldn't comprehend it. A man that loves a person so. Have you ever met a girl who effectively ruined many lives at one time? Immense respect grew for this girl I know and love. You've got at least 4 men, fucking insanely head over heels over you. AT LEAST four. That I know of. And you know of the girls who would soooo fucking do you no matter how straight they are? You're not entirely hot, but I get what he means, there's something special about you. I saw the mad man he becomes, the love, sacrifice and pain. The pure honesty. I'm beyond flabbergasted. I was speechless. How can a person love another so? What more a man?

Have you ever loved someone so much every single thing about her is absolute perfection. Not near. Not almost. But absolute perfection that they have never imagined? Have you ever truly loved a person, you understand every single thing another person in love with her also feels? Have you ever loved someone enough to understand that you're losing her to another man who loves her as much, and deserves her better, so you just let go? Sit there, think of all the madness you've done because of this one person, and say, "In the end of the day, I only want her to be happy. And if being with him makes her happy, I'll let her go."

WHAT? This is madness!

"Pourpres, so tell me if you really think she's done all those things with her boyfriend or previous scandals?"

"I don't know that, I'm just saying that's what I picked up from our various conversations. Don't believe me."

"No. I need to believe it. I have to somehow tell this person inside my head to accept the truth that she's not perfect. He can't take it at all."

o_O'

Come back to reality wey! I can't go that far to pull you back.

I feel so bad for you. No really, my heart doesn't just go out for you, it fucking breaks for you and the pieces bleed all over my hands to see you this way. How do I fix you?

There's no way to. And life being life, the stereos blared out songs that sings your pain. All I can do as I sat there next to him is just comfort him.

"It's okay. You're letting her go for somebody who loves her as much as you do, someone who will do her good and takes care of her like you would. Imagine it's you with her, but just not quite you."

"I fucking hate people like ****. People who I'd like to say, let her go stupid. Why are you still doing this? You're never gonna get her ever at all no matter how much you love her. You're so fucking pathetic, living this kinda life, ruined yourself for her. I fucking hate these men."

"Cos they remind you of you?"

"Cos they remind me of what I am, and wish to never become."

"But at least, think. You're better. You can't accept that she's not pure perfection. He on the other hand, accepts that and still blindly loves her so. Which is worse? You imagine you have her, and discover the facts? What would happen to you then?"

Silence~

"So, how does it feel to be so totally fucking insane?"

He leaned on the wall and looking like every bit the broken man he is, he said...

"I can't take it, the truth that the perfection herself, really isn't perfect. This person inside me can't take it."

So dear, I know you're reading this. He's absolutely insane because of you. If you could only see the things he did, and would do for you, STILL after all these years. The sheer madness, the people he trampled over for you(inclusive of me), the friends and time he lost.

So friend, screw you for giving me hope. And dear friend, I do so wish you love.

And friend, I am so sorry, that I am one of those girls. And even you don't come close to what he would do for her.

Breeze by Larafairie

Sebab Aku Curious

2008-07-19T06:23:00.007+08:00

By Agatha Katzensprung

Jika aku berkonklusi sendiri, perniagaan weed akan lingkup.
You know what? Screw this.

cuts purple ribbon

2008-07-18T04:12:00.002+08:00

Porphyrogenitus of Phoenicia. Born of the purple? Or born from the purple? Can't remember. Phoenicia means land of the purple. I was torn between blog addresses. Agak stupidly vain I know. Porphyrogenitus might be too joint-cracking to type, so I settled with Porphyralism, from the Greek porphyra. Sure fire way your sister won't find her way in here? URL your blog with something you yourself would have difficulty spelling. So here it is. New public blog. You poor sods who had to witness the me in a so-called private environment, forgive me so. Hey, hey, what do you think huh? Kirei na?

Reacquainted myself with one I'd like to call, Funny When Stoned(Mr FWS). Mr FWS took me out for a drive, and we had a couple of joints in the car, and since the recent event of a dear friend's mother's death, we talked about death.

About how he thinks he's gonna die pretty young too. I'm too scared to die now, and I just sat there silently as I asked for more time.

Today, I had to send my sister to school. Afterwards I took the longest way home, dropped by near some loji taik and had a joint. I may be so blatant but I already have a disclaimer. I threw what left of the stub into the drain, and stood solidly against the cold, morning wind, taking it all in, and feeling the wind on my face. Some thoughts crossed into my head. Am I not trying enough? Maybe I'm trying too hard? I'm running on empty, the fantasy has crumbled. The freedom you are to me, has become chains that constrict. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I took a long, deep breath, stare at the willowing tree against the pale blue skies, and thought. Another moment please, just another moment of freedom before I go back to my prison.

FILE Collection of Unexpected Photography

It's a beautiful Friday morning. Have a nice day, love.

and in the end we lie awake, and we dream we'll make an escape

Kami yang kini terbaring antara Karawang-Bekasi, Tidak bisa teriak "Merdeka" dan angkat senjata lagi

Shitsurei shimasu :)

Ingrate bersuara

My mind imprison'd keep;

In a rut, out of sorts

Sometimes I picture all your fingers, sometimes they're crawling down my spine

September came too soon

Your reckless heart, you know you got it. Into the past, I try to sort it

For the agony, for the irony, I'd rather know.

This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

Tonight, to feel alive, we try again

"It always seems to me that people who hate me must be suffering from some kind of lunacy."

And I love her so, I wouldn't trade her for gold

I live in another world, where life and death are memorized

But you could run for a million miles, and still have nowhere to go

A friend is not a means, you utilize to get somewhere

Why do you listen, when nobody's talking?

What's for intermission?

What now? . . . . I could stay here with you

Clear Cut

“Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.”

Sick Miserable Cold Day

The Post Mortem Month

Di mana ocehan di jalan lebih berharga dari renungan tenang di kamar

bidadari, sayapmu patah!

I have ADOS. Attention Deficit Ooohhh Shiny!

Patriotic Attempt #1

Baiburu kanojo no kageki, modanna kanojo no shigeki.............!

You can't imagine me being me, you can only imagine you being me

Knight me the bliss of Ataraxia

Bitches in Tokyo

Aku agak peduli rupanya

I don’t put a smile upon your face no more

Chill relax cool relax chill bertenang breathe lek chill cool slamber breathe

Don't wanna leave Mt Helicon yet? It's okay. Go on, dance a little more with Caliope. Kerana Cinta takkan singgah di rumah yang berkunci tak bertuan.

And DJ, play a song for the Lovers, tonight... Please, play a song for the lovers, tonight

Decided to kill myself, and now life is beautiful. Like a city looking greener and greener, the smaller it gets out the airplane window.

Dedicated to [n]. Aku jatuh cinta

Flying mortarboards and jumping robes

Mimpi Terhebat

Weaving Song

A little heat and I lose some more sleep, A little sleep and a little more heat

There now steady love

Fucking give up

Marilah mengimport puisi dari yang lama ke yang baru ini

You dropped a coin into the sea, and shout out "Please come back to me..."

The Zookeeper's Boy

German Love

You, appearing

Strange and Beautiful

Spinning on that dizzy edge

Kim and Jessie

HectiCity

Another Kinda Euphoric High

In this day and age the world becomes too noisy with conflicting opinions, you just listen to One.

Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat

We dance in a circle and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows

He makes the best, richest, bittersweet coffee that would make any potential suitors stick to making JUST tea for the rest of their lives

Hey you, where the hell were you the day they were handing out brains?

Ai no Mi

Sebab Aku Curious

*cuts purple ribbon*

cuts purple ribbon