Kami yang kini terbaring antara Karawang-Bekasi, Tidak bisa teriak "Merdeka" dan angkat senjata lagi

Roaming ada kak, masa aja nggak ada.

Gwe di Bekasi, Jakarta. Capek dehhh~ Tempoh hari dari 6th to 9th I was in Brunei.

Waduh, kepala pusing. I've been really disoriented since the start of the program. At first I thought it's only me, but as I start to talk to people on board on a more personal level, I've observed that everybody seems to have the same syndrome. We barely remember dates and what day it is and what they did or who they met or where they went or who they were with the previous day.

They may call me blur, kamjat, lampi, sengal but I can still that see everyone is actually going through the same thing. It's just that they pretend to know when they don't.

Peace is hard to find onboard, with 300++ other people running around, space and time constricted. I find myself dreading for company yet dreading for time alone at the same time. But sitting on the 5th floor deck, just behind Dolphin Lounge, smoking alone while I stare at the vastness of the sea behind the ship, my brain manages to function again. And I remember what it feels like to be normal and in closer grounds to familiarity. But the peace goes away immediately when you see step inside. It's almost like there's a spell that pulls you into a lost and confused state when you're inside.

And I'm not being cryptic. Really. Cos if you don't understand, it's because my head is still in that state. The disorientation is apparent eh? There are days I miss people at home so much, for the familiarity, but there are days I just want the captain's life. I understand now, how this is not a small feat, how it feels like to be Superman. To be just a nobody back home, but to be treated with such grandeur in all these other countries. I realize, how a person can never be exactly the same after this.

Kawan-kawan, I would like to say sorry in advance, I underestimated how hectic and occupied my time would be, so I would like to apologize in advance for promises unkept. If you could understand how difficult this kind of thing for a person so unorganized and unprepared like me, you won't take it personally.

I do miss all of yous, bloggers and friends. I wish things would still fall into place the way I wish it would when I come back, but there's a nagging feeling that tells me that somehow, that won't happen.

Okay.

Gotta go now. Tomorrow will be a long day and Bangkok is up next.

Ahhhh, gotta run. Going to neighbor's house for BBQ. Wheeheee.

Shitsurei shimasu :)

Konbanwa, minna-san~

I'm tired, exhausted, never had enough sleep from the last 15 days, but hey, I'm having the time of my life so far.

Tokyo is awesome and Gunma is quaintly beautiful. Due to kesengalan diri sendiri, I didn't get the chance to go to Akihabara, but I managed to get myself dizzy in Shinjuku. Banyaknya lah manusia and the damn train station is too big. I have too little time, but just want to let you know that I'm okay, having fun and we'll be on Nippon Maru tomorrow morning. So till December.

Ada si comel di Jepun yang buat aku gedik by the way. Ngeheheheheheh. Gerramm.

Lots of love
Pourpres~

Ingrate bersuara

Suatu siang aku sedang bersiap hendak keluar aku terdengar satu suara dalam bilik ku, dari area tempat tidurku. A deep, seething growl, didn't sound like from fighting cats outside, but from a spot under my table, and not really catlike, more like a panther. Gerun rasanya. But there's nothing there I'm sure.

Aku rasa sudah 4 hari berturut-turut aku bangun, and the first thing I do is cry. Hujung pangkalnya kenapa? I'm unsure myself. Opened my eyes, look at the time, and then just lie back and cry.

Aku teringat, dan bagai perlu seperlu-perlunya, sebilah Saviour, tapi aku tak mahu. Cukup, tamat chapter itu. Segatal-gatal lengan aku, aku mahu menjadi lebih kuat.

Aku seorang yang gagal handle stress, kebiasaannya aku perlu a constant to calm me down, straighten things up, put things into perspective or just to cry to, because I'm dependant like that.

Tambah-tambah lagi dengan every other things. Semua yang happened the last few months ni. Aku tak sedap hati, rasa tidak tenang, familiarity is non-existant, segalanya off balance, aku tidak punya constant lagi.

Maybe, I will take a break. Till I'm feeling better. So, I MIGHT not be around here as much. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can before I leave, a few normalities before all hell breaks loose, but I doubt I have the time to, sebab aku kan procrastinator, semua ini salah aku. Aku ada a few loose ends to tie, things to settle, and being in here doesn't help one bit.

Aku sedar aku sudah hilang tempat itu. Yeah, berbalik ke takuk lama, bagaikan budak sekolah menengah semula. I hated that time, feeling alone in a crowd.

Sorry if you noticed the spacing out, forgetting things more than usual, and severe lack of concentration. I'm really trying. Anxiety and depression kebelakangan ini sangat teruk and it's really harder without the familiar things that used to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, more so not knowing who to trust with my ultimate vulnerabilities tanpa menyusahkan sesiapa. With the person I've become, I realized that aku tak layak minta bantuan sesiapa.

Ingatkah tentang the newscaster's voice in my head? It's back.

Once I begin to earn my own money, I probably will get myself real, qualified help, medicated even. I don't think I can do this anymore, fighting my demons alone.

So, till my head is coherent, or till tomorrow or till everything's over, or till the waves calm, or till before I go on my real hiatus, I'm taking a short break from here. Good luck for exams, enjoy your lives and jobs and observations, have fun and all the best.

Till further notice.

Pourpres~

My mind imprison'd keep;

I am uninspired. I feel lost and without a cause. I have things to say but can't muster enough effort. I thought I care about a lot of things, but maybe in honesty I just don't, and I don't realize it. Cos it feels like another me is taking over again, while I watch from the sidelines.

Maybe later. Maybe soon. Maybe never.

In a rut, out of sorts

I was feeling out of sorts earlier yesterday, so after sending #5 to school, I went on to waste some time on my own. I spent almost 2 hours in MPH alone, reading magazines and a book called "Who Speaks for Islam?" which is actually a good read. I only read some parts and in excerpts. It seeks to clarify the incongruences between the Muslim world and the Western world, by conducting a worldwide research by means of survey and observations of a billion Muslims. The thoughts and words expressed in here are nothing WE, don't already know, but it would still be a great read for us to see how Muslims in other countries perceive things and events.

Not surprisingly, this book will prove to be a shocking revelation to the average ignorant Westerners whose source of information have been proven to be biased, fed to them by the media that seeks to justify their leader's crusade to "save" the Muslim nations from so-called oppression by imposing their flawed values in the name of bringing democracy and progression in THEIR terms. It broadens perspective, and finally brings to light an almost accurate view and representation of the Muslim population in general. I especially enjoyed the What Women Want chapter, THAT would shove some hard facts to them feminist whose adamant on putting a "victim" label on Muslim women who chose to be decent.

Anyway, I spent a few hours there reading this book and some great photography and Photoshop magazines before I was summoned to go buy something for Altec Lansing's birthday. Eventhough I decided earlier that I wouldn't need anything new for coming raya, I changed my mind anyway. I just wanted one new top to match with whatever I already have.

Yes, I am aware it's not really purple. Tapi gamba ni tipu, it's not really THAT hot pink. More like magenta or fuchsia going towards crimson. Can it!

Yeay my 1st day raya's outfit. Not blinging. Memang taklah aku nak cuba compete dengan Kelantanese girls and makciks during raya. Whoa whoa tudung dan selendang pusing-pusing sana-sini atas bawah semat pin sampai 5 sekaligus, layered and comes with shiny bling-blings whoa mata aku takleh bukak whoaaahh. Whoa baju kurung ke tu? Apsal dia ada ropol-ropol sampai macam tu wow! Eh banyaknya rantai dia tak sakit leher ke kak? Whoa bulan Ramadhan mata kau hitam ni tetiba nampak anak bulan Syawal je dia transform jadi biru eh? WHOA~ Macam pergi wedding kat hotel. There is aesthetics, and there is such a thing called over the top.

Else than that, mana tak merudum sekejap self-esteem kalau jumpa this side, all putih-putih, comey lote, pretty, demure and skinny. Seb baik la aku comel dan exotic. Wakakakaaa. Oh and yeaaah dah lama tak main bunga api and mercun sampai sakit tekak dek asap.

Hey, I wonder if we can send mercun to Aussie?

Argh random sungguh. My head's all over the place. Maybe lepas ni kena jalan-jalan lagi. Dah mula rasa drained again.


Drive by shooting

I love them electrical pylons.

Aite, picture time. Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant, TTDI. Majlis berbuka in conjunction with Miss Altec Lansing's 23rd birthday.

Couple #1 bersuap-suapan

Couple #2 ada yang merajuk ada yang gedik

Couple #3 buat-buat comel

Having a hilarious fit kerana kesengalan Altec Lansing dan bf

Miss Altec Lansing and her birthday cake

The ex-housemates
L-R: Milana, Misae, Batchick, Altec Lansing, Pourpres, Kambenk Sepet

Sometimes I picture all your fingers, sometimes they're crawling down my spine

Tag. Aku suka Tag Heuer Diamond Fiction. Siapa nak masuk meminang adik-adik aku, tolong beli jam ini jadi hadiah langkah bendul untuk aku ye. Tapi kalau nak masuk meminang aku, sila beli Diamond Fiction bersertakan Maurice Lacroix Starside Sparkling Date Watch. Sekian terima kasih.

Bagaikan virus yang menular, I was hit by the tag fever too, courtesy of Detektif Remaja Magenta Kindaichi. Awww sho schweet. 15 random facts about me. Kalau ada fakta berulang I would like to apologize in advance, kapasiti memori aku belum diupgrade lagi.

1.
Dari tahun 2001 sehingga 2008, aku sudah tukar pakai 9 atau 10 bijik handphone. Aku memang suwey dengan handphone sebab aku pelupa, careless, dan sengal. Tertinggal di fitting room, dicuri di surau, jatuh dari tingkat 4, mangsa pickpocket di Petaling Street/Pudu, kebiasaannya tertinggal somewhere and menjadi mangsa orang yang tak jujur. Orang-orang begini aku sumpah dia kemalangan dan mati bergelumang dalam tahi mereka sendiri.

2.
Aku suka bau duit baru. Kebiasaan kalau aku baru dihulur duit elaun, atau baru draw duit dari ATM, or dapat duit raya, aku akan hidu dahulu sebelum disimpan. Mak aku marah katanya buruk perangai, tapi I can't help it. Duit yang buruk diterima dari mamak tak akan di hidu ye.

3.
I'm a collector. Okay fine, some would call me hoarder but I call it collecting. I collect chopsticks, keychains, fridge magnets, foreign and old currencies, watches, perfumes and cameras. I will always keep books, mangas, Shell's Ferrari model cars, anime premiums, movie stubs, travel documents, notebooks, sketchbooks and birthday cards.

4.
I get my music from TV series. I watch something, I hear something I like, I'll find it. It's great really, that's how I get stuff like Loquat, Trespassers William, Susie Suh, The Watson Twins, Ryan Adams, Michael Tolcher, Red House Painters, Rilo Kiley, The Postal Service, The Flaming Lips, Bloc Party, The Shins, Interpol, Cary Brothers, Kate Havnevik, American Analog Set, Cat Power, Sia, Explosions in The Sky and Butterfly Boucher. The rest comes from friends like M83, Mogwai, Sigur Ros and The Perishers and a I go to a Mix CD community on LJ for more obscure choices. It's rare that I download a whole album, or care to find out background details of the artistes as to how they look like, or whatever. Because I like the songs, not the people singing it. I don't like assigning a face to a voice I like, it spoils things. Antara faktor I don't frequent Youtube.

5.
Aku rabun jauh. Power contact lenses aku 425 for each eye. And I still have difficulties reading signboards while driving. I sleep with my contact lenses on, I probably have even worn a pair for as long as 3 months without taking them off. One time I drove wearing only 1 contact lens, just in my right eye and scared the shit out of my friend yang jadi passenger when she saw me steering through the traffic at SS 15's roundabout with one hand over an eye.

6.
I'm not scared of heights, but aku sangat sangat gayat dan seriau bila naik flyover tinggi-tinggi, lagi-lagi if the flyovers have sharp turns. Example of flyovers yang boleh buat aku lemah jantung, the one heading to Cyberjaya, the one yang sangat tinggi dari Subang Jaya ke Sunway, the ones heading to UIA, and such. I kept on imagining the car losing control and steered its way through the barriers and flew over it then crashing on the roads below and if this happens, confirm aku mati.

7.
Aku perlu sekurang-kurangnya 30 minit untuk mamai bila bangun tidur, and time tu aku antara dengar tak dengar, ingat tak ingat akan keadaan sekeliling, kalau orang keliling cari pasal memang kena maki. And kebiasaannya time aku sudah mula menjawab soalan orang tu, aku sebenarnya belum sedar lagi, and time tu aku sangat honest. Aku pernah mengangkat telefon, berborak, janji nak berjumpa orang, maki orang, menjawab apakah password laptop aku, dan bercerita tentang mimpi, tapi semua pun aku tak ingat kalau bukan diingatkan oleh orang yang bertanya/mendengar. Bahaya indeed, one time I almost pick up The Bastard's phone, girlfriend dia telefon, and just before I answer it, he realized it and snatched the phone away. Oh well, kantoi juga eventually. Amongst anime people, this condition is called, AB blood type.

8.
Aku suka mandi hujan. Dari dulu sampai sekarang. Baru haritu aku mandi hujan pukul 3 pagi, berbaring di porch pandang langit. Dengan harapan dapat wash away semak-semak dalam hati. Tapi angin terlalu kencang aku pulak tak tahan sejuk. Menggigil sampai sakit gigi. Takpe, lain kali.

9.
I love eating Koko Krunch. Especially for sahur. Dulu lepas SPM, aku duduk rumah, tak bekerja, tidur sampai petang, aku hanya akan bangun makan Koko Krunch before staring at the TV sampai aku tidur semula. Ape point? Walaupun aku tak buat apa, I didn't gain weight sebab I only ate Koko Krunch.

10.
Aku bercakap dengan orang aku akan maintain eye contact. Maka aku jadi sangat pantang orang yang bercakap dengan aku tak maintain eye contact. But I've come to learn that setengah orang are just plain cacat different, doesn't mean they're not interested in the conversation or they're being disrespectful and rude.

11.
I don't have any kind of stat counter di blog aku. I wouldn't know how many hits, dari mana, pukul berapa, guna browser apa, what search terms used, anything lah. I just don't find it necessary to know if people are reading or not. If they want to make their presence known they can just leave a comment kan.

12.
Aku ada bad habit kopek bibir. Luka berdarah-darah pun aku masih akan kopek selagi aku tak rase licin and free from dried bits. Rasa darah sendiri adalah sangat sedap by the way. Kalau dah luka berdarah, aku akan tekapkan dengan tomato sejuk dan enjoy the pain that shoots up sambil gigit tomato sejuk yang masam itu. Yes, I am aware of my masochistic side. Aku suka direnjat oleh that stupid pen yang digunakan to play pranks on people juga.

13.
I have this crazy fear of rejection. Sebab tu tak pernah job hunting, or admit suka anybody. If I like anybody, I'll just kill the feeling. And most of the times the fear is rational. Sometimes it works out okay. Jobs come to me. Men come to me. But I know I've gotta change that soon.

14.
Waktu muda-muda dulu I tell myself aku hanya akan kahwin dengan a chef, who plays drums, and are into cars serta drives like a demon. Kerana aku tak reti masak tapi suka makan, so aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang suka masak. Kerana aku suka drum tapi tak reti main so aku kena kahwin dengan drummer. Kerana I get all hot and bothered when tengok orang main drums dengan hebat turut menjadi faktor. Kerana aku suka fancy pretty cars and kalau laki aku pun kaki kereta maybe dia boleh bagi aku bawak juga. And also cos I get hot and bothered tengok a skilled, fast and sleek driver in action turut menjadi faktor. Dan kerana semua ini jarang sekali wujud in a guy altogether, aku mungkin takkan kahwin anytime soon.

15.
Walaupun aku cepat bosan dan tak suka keadaan menjadi stagnant, aku sangat tak suka benda yang aku gemar stopped being something consistent. I need it to be a constant. Kebiasaannya on food. Like beriani, and nasi ayam mak aku. Kalau mak aku adventurous dan ubah recipe sikit, aku takkan boleh makan. Or Subway Melt. Or Dave's Deli's Saltin Boca.

Sorry, I don't really have the knack to shorten my pieces, kalau mata berpinar and jari sakit, it's Magenta's fault :p I'm tagging Azroy Bin Jeff, Pearlicia, Kambenk Sepet, Fouad Al-Hazred and Her Possumness.

September came too soon

Kalau lah lelaki boleh belajar jadi macam ini, takdelah aku ni jadi orang yang roll my eyes bila orang tanya bila nak kahwin macam tanya aku bila nak dapat kanser. Aku mungkin lagi gatal nak cari calon adalah. Haha.

"my husband really admirer your artwork since he was studied until now."

Ngahahahaha dah lama tak baca benda kelakar. Kalau tak reti nak tulis in English, tulis sajalah dalam BM. Teringat aku tentang a fellow blogger, but itu cerita lain hari.



Kebelakangan ni asyik teringat datuk aku. Tokwan. Maybe sebab nak raya kan. Tapi raya tahun ni balik Klantan. Huhu. Dah lama gila raya tak balik Ipoh. Memanglah raya di Klantan lagi meriah dan rasa macam raya, sebab raya kat Ipoh kan ke macam beraya kat sini juga. Pergi tengok movie, bantai tidur seharian, atau pergi lepak kedai minum or mandi air terjun. Tapi rindu jugak la sepupu belah Kedah, kalau berkumpul ramai-ramai memang best, macam ade sekali ni mereka buat barbecue waktu raya. Dem jeles gila.

Atuk aku ni, orang Negeri Sembilan asalnya. Kahwin, dapat seorang anak, cerai. Kahwin pula dengan nenek aku yang super comel, asalnya dari Kedah, dan buat baby sampai 9 orang. Dulu aku mati-mati ingat atuk aku pun asal-usul Kedah, sebab loghat memang Kedah habis, loghat nogoghi memang haram jadah tadak. Nenek aku dah basuh cukup-cukup. Haha.

Atuk aku ni, bekas polis, garang nak mampus. Jenis garang yang dia jeling/tenung saja, semua macam dah nak terkucil. Selalu yang kami kena marah is bila main bergayut dekat pintu grill that swings out tu. Or bila dia suruh tutup TV tapi bebudak ni tak nak tutup juga, dia just datang cabut suis(yang tinggi position dia), and semua just diam tak terkata. Sebab kalau merengek kena marah lagi. Haha. Tapi dia juga baik dan rajin melayan cucu-cucu yang ramai ni. Kadang-kadang dia biar saja orang nak panjat bahu dia waktu dia duduk santai atas sofa. Or dia jadikan paha dia bantal untuk budak kecil nak tidur sambil dia membaca.

Atuk aku ni, dulu waktu zaman mak aku kecil, agak pandang harta dan pangkat punya jenis. Bila pakcik aku, Uncle #2 nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati dia tak benarkan, sebab yang perempuan tu bukan dari keluarga yang berada. Padahal dah sekufu la tu, atuk aku ni pun family orang susah. Tak lama kemudian Uncle #2 bercalon baru, atuk aku suruh kahwin sebab anak lord la juga minah tu. On the morning of his wedding day, pengantin perempuan dah tunggu, tetamu dah sampai, semua orang kalut. Uncle #2 tak dijumpai. Tetiba polis sampai. Bercakap dengan datuk aku, sejurus kemudian datuk aku tepuk dahi, dan jatuh terjelepuk.

Pakcik aku masuk lokap, kantoi dadah di sebuah kelab malam(lebih popular dengan panggilan disko zaman tu) the night before. Memang la tak jadi kahwin kan. Mesti la malu si pengantin perempuan tu, takkan bapanya si orang kaya nak bagi juga anaknya kahwin dengan si penagih kan. Tuhan bagi cash. Datuk aku dah jadi orang tak pandang harta sangat. Nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati, sila lah. Asalkan kau happy.

Atuk aku ni, zaman mak aku kecil, jenis yang sangat demand tinggi. Makanan kalau tak panas tak mahu makan. Pakaian kalau tak bergosok dia takkan pakai. Sampai seluar dalam pun kena gosok kalau tak, dia commando la gamaknya. Mak aku cerita, nenek aku layan macam atuk aku ni raja. Bertakhta kalau di rumah memang tak perlu buat apa-apa. Lampu padam, nenek aku yang kecil pendek tu yang tukar mentol sendiri. Nenek aku lah yang akan buat tempat sidai baju sendiri. Datuk aku hanya bekerja dan balik memang santai gila semua benda nenek aku uruskan. Superwoman kan.

Beza gila dengan bapak aku. Bapak aku sampai satu time tu, baju kami semua dia yang cuci, sidai dan lipat. Baju dia gosok sendiri, kadang-kadang bapak aku yang masak dinner(which is always spaghetti/linguine bolognese). Kami semua tak reti nak tukar mentol (aku reti tapi takut kena renjat).

Yang ini semuanya dipetik daripada memori mak aku dan Uncle #5, cerita-cerita lama. By the time zaman aku, atuk aku dah tone down. Masih strict dan garang. Especially on education. Setiap kali balik Ipoh, dia bukan tanya khabar sihat ke tidak, dia tanya result last peperiksaan. Kalau tak cemerlang siap ah, memang kena duduk situ dengar dia membebel, kekadang kena marah.

One time, it was apparent that I was annoyed with his nagging, he said, "Aku marah sebab aku sayang hang, kalau tak sayang aku tak marah, tak kisah keputusan hang lagu mana." Oh, macam tu ke. Lerr, mana orang nak tahu. Nasib baik ah juga, sekolah rendah memang cemerlang lah result aku sebab aku takut kena marah. Dia takkan bagi hadiah, dia cuma puji, bagaikan mengingatkan aku that it is my responsibility dapat good results, bukannya sesuatu that needed explicit rewards baru dilakukan.

Dalam 40 lebih sepupu aku, ditakdirkan aku seorang yang lahir tahun 85, maka aktiviti compare brains dengan cousin ini kurang dilaksanakan pada aku compared to others. Chist. Kalau tak memang selalu nama aku disumpah sepupu-sepapat aku.

Atuk aku ni, dia suka main game bangang dengan kami. One example is, dia akan himpunkan kami beramai-ramai and main trivia merepek.

"Siapa cucu aku, angkat tangan angkat kaki."

Semua pun akan jadi lebih kurang macam anjing, on our backs, feet and hands flailing in the air. Ada juga yang gagal mengangkat tangan atau kaki dengan complete.

"Hmpfth, hang cucu Tok hang, bukan cucu aku", dan buat muka konon-konon menyampah. Haha, macam sial je. Tapi kira time tu siapa yang dilabel cucu Tok memang tak cool ah.

Lain-lain game is game menguji memori.

"Kalau hangpa pandai, cucu laki-laki aku ada berapa, cucu perempuan ada berapa? Haa, jawab cepat-cepat, sape tak dapat jawab dia cucu Tok!"

Ha kira la dari Aunty #1 punya anak sampai sampai Aunty #9. Kalau seorang anak hanya 2 orang je ke tak apalah. Ini semua sekurang-kurangnya 4 orang anak.

"Ada berapa cucu sekolah menengah?"

"Ada berapa yang sekolah rendah?"

"Dari hospital sampai sini ada berapa tiang lampu?"

"Siapa tak dapat jawab dia cucu Kelantan/Terengganu/Johor/whichever the other gramps are."

Malam-malam, when all of us bergelimpangan tidur di ruang TV dan ruang tamu, sesekali atuk aku akan tidur di luar juga, because he lets one of my aunts/uncles have the master bedroom bila ramai sangat yang balik Raya sana. It has become a norm, for him to recite ayat Quran as he was going to sleep, half asleep. I remember how we slept bertemankan ayat-ayat Quran, and even though I didn't understand a thing, the sound of it, his voice, in the dead of the cool night, amongst orchestra-like snoring from the mass of bodies on the floor/sofas and occasional sounds of cars driving by, it was one of the few moments in life I remember of being in such extreme peace, a kind of high, feeling safe and content.

Atuk aku ni, dia sangat suka minum kopi. You know, that kampung punya kopi yang pekat lagi best tu. Aku suka betul kalau dia minta nenek aku buat kopi tu. Aku pun dapat tumpang sekaki.

I really miss all that.

Atuk aku ni, perokok tegar. Fakta ini aku ingat hanya samar-samar, kerana dia jarang sekali merokok dalam rumah when we, the grandkids are there. One day, as he was gardening, he fell into the drain outside the house. He hurt his leg. It was swollen like hell, it couldn't get better. I didn't quite understand it back then, something about his liver was already damaged, and his wound couldn't heal because of the damaged liver. The liver damage then became more serious as months go by. When I visited him in the hospital he had looked his best, with unshaved scruffs, his messy white beard and moustache, I think he looked good like that. He had lost some weight but otherwise he seemed okay, the least garang and that was the fondest memory of him, smiling at me, at us in such pride.

Till it finally came the time that the doctor said, it's best that you bring him home, there's nothing more we can do for him.

In his deathbed, he kept on calling for my grandma. Whenever my grandmother's not by his side, he would start crying out, "Chik...chik." My grandmother would come, hold him in her arm as he held her tight in embrace before he calms down again. It hurts me seeing him in pain, lying there not entirely lucid of the people around him. The house was constantly full of people visiting and reciting Yasin, we barely have anywhere to sit at times.

One day, 22nd September 1999, my mom picked me up after school.

"Tokwan dah meninggal tau. Baru tadi Around maghrib."

I just sat still. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I wasn't shocked. We knew he was leaving us. But I couldn't even muster "Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un". There was no pain, no feeling reacting to the statement, none absolutely.

Until I went to my aunt's place, to where he was. To see him lying there but knowing he's not there. Pale and finally at peace, I finally realized that this was actually happening. He ceased to exist. One of my reason for existence, had simply stopped existing.

I trembled in uneasiness but I wanted to kiss his forehead one last time anyway. I hated it, cos he was cold, and smelt very nice. I didn't want that to be the last feeling imprinted on me of him. He was supposed to be warm, to smell like his usual self, of some aftershave and faint smell of cigarettes. THIS wasn't him.

He had a nice spot under the tree. It was a beautiful, breezy, cloudy day. I don't remember much of that day but me leaning on my elder brother's shoulder, saying goodbye in silence. But I do remember us, the legacy he left behind, laughing and reminiescing afterwards, all the great, garang, hard-assed and funny things my grandfather was. It was funny really, all of us red-eyed, bengkak dan teary but laughing at my uncle and aunties retelling of anecdotes of the old man we call Tokwan.

Al-Fatihah. To Tokwan, and to arwah Khairil Azrul, who died too young, on 17th September 2002.