Ingrate bersuara

Suatu siang aku sedang bersiap hendak keluar aku terdengar satu suara dalam bilik ku, dari area tempat tidurku. A deep, seething growl, didn't sound like from fighting cats outside, but from a spot under my table, and not really catlike, more like a panther. Gerun rasanya. But there's nothing there I'm sure.

Aku rasa sudah 4 hari berturut-turut aku bangun, and the first thing I do is cry. Hujung pangkalnya kenapa? I'm unsure myself. Opened my eyes, look at the time, and then just lie back and cry.

Aku teringat, dan bagai perlu seperlu-perlunya, sebilah Saviour, tapi aku tak mahu. Cukup, tamat chapter itu. Segatal-gatal lengan aku, aku mahu menjadi lebih kuat.

Aku seorang yang gagal handle stress, kebiasaannya aku perlu a constant to calm me down, straighten things up, put things into perspective or just to cry to, because I'm dependant like that.

Tambah-tambah lagi dengan every other things. Semua yang happened the last few months ni. Aku tak sedap hati, rasa tidak tenang, familiarity is non-existant, segalanya off balance, aku tidak punya constant lagi.

Maybe, I will take a break. Till I'm feeling better. So, I MIGHT not be around here as much. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can before I leave, a few normalities before all hell breaks loose, but I doubt I have the time to, sebab aku kan procrastinator, semua ini salah aku. Aku ada a few loose ends to tie, things to settle, and being in here doesn't help one bit.

Aku sedar aku sudah hilang tempat itu. Yeah, berbalik ke takuk lama, bagaikan budak sekolah menengah semula. I hated that time, feeling alone in a crowd.

Sorry if you noticed the spacing out, forgetting things more than usual, and severe lack of concentration. I'm really trying. Anxiety and depression kebelakangan ini sangat teruk and it's really harder without the familiar things that used to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, more so not knowing who to trust with my ultimate vulnerabilities tanpa menyusahkan sesiapa. With the person I've become, I realized that aku tak layak minta bantuan sesiapa.

Ingatkah tentang the newscaster's voice in my head? It's back.

Once I begin to earn my own money, I probably will get myself real, qualified help, medicated even. I don't think I can do this anymore, fighting my demons alone.

So, till my head is coherent, or till tomorrow or till everything's over, or till the waves calm, or till before I go on my real hiatus, I'm taking a short break from here. Good luck for exams, enjoy your lives and jobs and observations, have fun and all the best.

Till further notice.

Pourpres~

My mind imprison'd keep;

I am uninspired. I feel lost and without a cause. I have things to say but can't muster enough effort. I thought I care about a lot of things, but maybe in honesty I just don't, and I don't realize it. Cos it feels like another me is taking over again, while I watch from the sidelines.

Maybe later. Maybe soon. Maybe never.

September came too soon

Kalau lah lelaki boleh belajar jadi macam ini, takdelah aku ni jadi orang yang roll my eyes bila orang tanya bila nak kahwin macam tanya aku bila nak dapat kanser. Aku mungkin lagi gatal nak cari calon adalah. Haha.

"my husband really admirer your artwork since he was studied until now."

Ngahahahaha dah lama tak baca benda kelakar. Kalau tak reti nak tulis in English, tulis sajalah dalam BM. Teringat aku tentang a fellow blogger, but itu cerita lain hari.



Kebelakangan ni asyik teringat datuk aku. Tokwan. Maybe sebab nak raya kan. Tapi raya tahun ni balik Klantan. Huhu. Dah lama gila raya tak balik Ipoh. Memanglah raya di Klantan lagi meriah dan rasa macam raya, sebab raya kat Ipoh kan ke macam beraya kat sini juga. Pergi tengok movie, bantai tidur seharian, atau pergi lepak kedai minum or mandi air terjun. Tapi rindu jugak la sepupu belah Kedah, kalau berkumpul ramai-ramai memang best, macam ade sekali ni mereka buat barbecue waktu raya. Dem jeles gila.

Atuk aku ni, orang Negeri Sembilan asalnya. Kahwin, dapat seorang anak, cerai. Kahwin pula dengan nenek aku yang super comel, asalnya dari Kedah, dan buat baby sampai 9 orang. Dulu aku mati-mati ingat atuk aku pun asal-usul Kedah, sebab loghat memang Kedah habis, loghat nogoghi memang haram jadah tadak. Nenek aku dah basuh cukup-cukup. Haha.

Atuk aku ni, bekas polis, garang nak mampus. Jenis garang yang dia jeling/tenung saja, semua macam dah nak terkucil. Selalu yang kami kena marah is bila main bergayut dekat pintu grill that swings out tu. Or bila dia suruh tutup TV tapi bebudak ni tak nak tutup juga, dia just datang cabut suis(yang tinggi position dia), and semua just diam tak terkata. Sebab kalau merengek kena marah lagi. Haha. Tapi dia juga baik dan rajin melayan cucu-cucu yang ramai ni. Kadang-kadang dia biar saja orang nak panjat bahu dia waktu dia duduk santai atas sofa. Or dia jadikan paha dia bantal untuk budak kecil nak tidur sambil dia membaca.

Atuk aku ni, dulu waktu zaman mak aku kecil, agak pandang harta dan pangkat punya jenis. Bila pakcik aku, Uncle #2 nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati dia tak benarkan, sebab yang perempuan tu bukan dari keluarga yang berada. Padahal dah sekufu la tu, atuk aku ni pun family orang susah. Tak lama kemudian Uncle #2 bercalon baru, atuk aku suruh kahwin sebab anak lord la juga minah tu. On the morning of his wedding day, pengantin perempuan dah tunggu, tetamu dah sampai, semua orang kalut. Uncle #2 tak dijumpai. Tetiba polis sampai. Bercakap dengan datuk aku, sejurus kemudian datuk aku tepuk dahi, dan jatuh terjelepuk.

Pakcik aku masuk lokap, kantoi dadah di sebuah kelab malam(lebih popular dengan panggilan disko zaman tu) the night before. Memang la tak jadi kahwin kan. Mesti la malu si pengantin perempuan tu, takkan bapanya si orang kaya nak bagi juga anaknya kahwin dengan si penagih kan. Tuhan bagi cash. Datuk aku dah jadi orang tak pandang harta sangat. Nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati, sila lah. Asalkan kau happy.

Atuk aku ni, zaman mak aku kecil, jenis yang sangat demand tinggi. Makanan kalau tak panas tak mahu makan. Pakaian kalau tak bergosok dia takkan pakai. Sampai seluar dalam pun kena gosok kalau tak, dia commando la gamaknya. Mak aku cerita, nenek aku layan macam atuk aku ni raja. Bertakhta kalau di rumah memang tak perlu buat apa-apa. Lampu padam, nenek aku yang kecil pendek tu yang tukar mentol sendiri. Nenek aku lah yang akan buat tempat sidai baju sendiri. Datuk aku hanya bekerja dan balik memang santai gila semua benda nenek aku uruskan. Superwoman kan.

Beza gila dengan bapak aku. Bapak aku sampai satu time tu, baju kami semua dia yang cuci, sidai dan lipat. Baju dia gosok sendiri, kadang-kadang bapak aku yang masak dinner(which is always spaghetti/linguine bolognese). Kami semua tak reti nak tukar mentol (aku reti tapi takut kena renjat).

Yang ini semuanya dipetik daripada memori mak aku dan Uncle #5, cerita-cerita lama. By the time zaman aku, atuk aku dah tone down. Masih strict dan garang. Especially on education. Setiap kali balik Ipoh, dia bukan tanya khabar sihat ke tidak, dia tanya result last peperiksaan. Kalau tak cemerlang siap ah, memang kena duduk situ dengar dia membebel, kekadang kena marah.

One time, it was apparent that I was annoyed with his nagging, he said, "Aku marah sebab aku sayang hang, kalau tak sayang aku tak marah, tak kisah keputusan hang lagu mana." Oh, macam tu ke. Lerr, mana orang nak tahu. Nasib baik ah juga, sekolah rendah memang cemerlang lah result aku sebab aku takut kena marah. Dia takkan bagi hadiah, dia cuma puji, bagaikan mengingatkan aku that it is my responsibility dapat good results, bukannya sesuatu that needed explicit rewards baru dilakukan.

Dalam 40 lebih sepupu aku, ditakdirkan aku seorang yang lahir tahun 85, maka aktiviti compare brains dengan cousin ini kurang dilaksanakan pada aku compared to others. Chist. Kalau tak memang selalu nama aku disumpah sepupu-sepapat aku.

Atuk aku ni, dia suka main game bangang dengan kami. One example is, dia akan himpunkan kami beramai-ramai and main trivia merepek.

"Siapa cucu aku, angkat tangan angkat kaki."

Semua pun akan jadi lebih kurang macam anjing, on our backs, feet and hands flailing in the air. Ada juga yang gagal mengangkat tangan atau kaki dengan complete.

"Hmpfth, hang cucu Tok hang, bukan cucu aku", dan buat muka konon-konon menyampah. Haha, macam sial je. Tapi kira time tu siapa yang dilabel cucu Tok memang tak cool ah.

Lain-lain game is game menguji memori.

"Kalau hangpa pandai, cucu laki-laki aku ada berapa, cucu perempuan ada berapa? Haa, jawab cepat-cepat, sape tak dapat jawab dia cucu Tok!"

Ha kira la dari Aunty #1 punya anak sampai sampai Aunty #9. Kalau seorang anak hanya 2 orang je ke tak apalah. Ini semua sekurang-kurangnya 4 orang anak.

"Ada berapa cucu sekolah menengah?"

"Ada berapa yang sekolah rendah?"

"Dari hospital sampai sini ada berapa tiang lampu?"

"Siapa tak dapat jawab dia cucu Kelantan/Terengganu/Johor/whichever the other gramps are."

Malam-malam, when all of us bergelimpangan tidur di ruang TV dan ruang tamu, sesekali atuk aku akan tidur di luar juga, because he lets one of my aunts/uncles have the master bedroom bila ramai sangat yang balik Raya sana. It has become a norm, for him to recite ayat Quran as he was going to sleep, half asleep. I remember how we slept bertemankan ayat-ayat Quran, and even though I didn't understand a thing, the sound of it, his voice, in the dead of the cool night, amongst orchestra-like snoring from the mass of bodies on the floor/sofas and occasional sounds of cars driving by, it was one of the few moments in life I remember of being in such extreme peace, a kind of high, feeling safe and content.

Atuk aku ni, dia sangat suka minum kopi. You know, that kampung punya kopi yang pekat lagi best tu. Aku suka betul kalau dia minta nenek aku buat kopi tu. Aku pun dapat tumpang sekaki.

I really miss all that.

Atuk aku ni, perokok tegar. Fakta ini aku ingat hanya samar-samar, kerana dia jarang sekali merokok dalam rumah when we, the grandkids are there. One day, as he was gardening, he fell into the drain outside the house. He hurt his leg. It was swollen like hell, it couldn't get better. I didn't quite understand it back then, something about his liver was already damaged, and his wound couldn't heal because of the damaged liver. The liver damage then became more serious as months go by. When I visited him in the hospital he had looked his best, with unshaved scruffs, his messy white beard and moustache, I think he looked good like that. He had lost some weight but otherwise he seemed okay, the least garang and that was the fondest memory of him, smiling at me, at us in such pride.

Till it finally came the time that the doctor said, it's best that you bring him home, there's nothing more we can do for him.

In his deathbed, he kept on calling for my grandma. Whenever my grandmother's not by his side, he would start crying out, "Chik...chik." My grandmother would come, hold him in her arm as he held her tight in embrace before he calms down again. It hurts me seeing him in pain, lying there not entirely lucid of the people around him. The house was constantly full of people visiting and reciting Yasin, we barely have anywhere to sit at times.

One day, 22nd September 1999, my mom picked me up after school.

"Tokwan dah meninggal tau. Baru tadi Around maghrib."

I just sat still. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I wasn't shocked. We knew he was leaving us. But I couldn't even muster "Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un". There was no pain, no feeling reacting to the statement, none absolutely.

Until I went to my aunt's place, to where he was. To see him lying there but knowing he's not there. Pale and finally at peace, I finally realized that this was actually happening. He ceased to exist. One of my reason for existence, had simply stopped existing.

I trembled in uneasiness but I wanted to kiss his forehead one last time anyway. I hated it, cos he was cold, and smelt very nice. I didn't want that to be the last feeling imprinted on me of him. He was supposed to be warm, to smell like his usual self, of some aftershave and faint smell of cigarettes. THIS wasn't him.

He had a nice spot under the tree. It was a beautiful, breezy, cloudy day. I don't remember much of that day but me leaning on my elder brother's shoulder, saying goodbye in silence. But I do remember us, the legacy he left behind, laughing and reminiescing afterwards, all the great, garang, hard-assed and funny things my grandfather was. It was funny really, all of us red-eyed, bengkak dan teary but laughing at my uncle and aunties retelling of anecdotes of the old man we call Tokwan.

Al-Fatihah. To Tokwan, and to arwah Khairil Azrul, who died too young, on 17th September 2002.

This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

Aku sebenarnya seboleh-boleh tidak mahu menulis tentang politik. Selain dari kerana tidak berminat nak mengunjung kontroversi, aku juga tidak mahu mewujudkan suasana di mana orang melabel aku seperti ini atau seperti itu kerana sesuatu pandangan aku., ataupun menimbulkan jurang antara aku dan orang-orang comel yang membaca repekan aku. Yes, of course, it's also because I am not well-versed in it, aku baca nama-nama tetapi jarang-jarang sekali aku tahu hujung pangkal as to who they are in the political scene. Aku memang payah sikit title-title ni. Kalau aku jumpa sebarang tokoh politik pun aku takkan sedar.

Ye, bab kalau kau tanya, hey, what handphone should I buy if I have the budget of RM 700 to RM 1300, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, kau lagi suka Pax Vikedal atau Hopen wardrobe, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, apa pendapat kau tentang the Kashmir dispute between India and Pakistan and how best you think we should resolve it, I still probably can answer.

Tetapi, aku nak bersuara, kerana kebelakangan ni aku SUKA baca mamat ni. Lepas sahur tadi aku terlihat lintasan berita ringkas, blogger Syed Azidi Syed Aziz was arrested last night under the Sedition Act. What is this, another crackdown? According to The Star, he was arrested and is under investigations for instigating that Malaysians should fly our flags upside down, symbolising how our nation is in distress. What? That's it? Really meh that is WHY?

Sure, many will agree that it's disrespectful, but he doesn't mean disrespect. Apa yang lagi disrespectful terhadap negara adalah orang yang tidak menjalankan tanggungjawab. The people yang telah mengangkat sumpah terhadap negara, tetapi sedang bersenang-lenang whilst the people they swore to represent are feeling unspoken for.

Kita terlalu taksub with symbols and logos and pictorial representations of what we are. Itu yang marah semuanya dengan tindakan Sheih Kickdefella raising the Malaysian flag upside down. Terlalu literal kita ni. Yeah la, semua kan jiwa puitis halus, lebih senang melabel sesuatu pada perkara-perkara simbolik, untuk menjadi representation sesuatu yang zahir. Sehinggakan yang zahir sebenarnya sudah menuju hancur luluh, tapi bagi mereka tak mengapa, yang penting yang simbolik lagi perlu dijaga. Secara halus yang kita tidak lihat? The disrespect and betrayal dari golongan pemimpin yang supposedly bekerja FOR us, kini telah ditunggang terbalikkan sehingga rakyat yang bekerja for them, for their families, kita lihat tak?

Nak anti aku anti lah, aku memang bukan antara mereka yang patriotik, yang pandang tinggi akan panji-panji kebesaran negara, bagi aku bendera itu hanya sehelai kain yang melabel dan beza-bezakan nation. Adakah ini bermaksud I'm disrespectful towards my home country? Menghina negara? If I put on display a cute little flag sebesar tapak tangan aku, does that mean aku memperkecilkan Malaysia? If I am one of those people yang meletakkan bendera pada hood kereta sehingga hampir hitam bendera itu, adakah aku dikira rakyat yang mencemarkan negara? Bendera di tiang lampu tergantung tidak kukuh, jatuh ke atas jalan dan aku sebagai pemandu hanya mampu menggilis bendera tersebut dengan tayar aku yang memang dah sehitam rambut aku, am I supposed to go, "Shit! Aku telah menggilis negara dengan tayar kereta aku! Damn!"


Ramai yang bersuara mengatakan, daripada buat begini kepada bendera tercinta, baik syorkan kita terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah, sebagai tanda kita semua mahu dia step down. Bendera diterbalikkan itu dibuat dengan laungan, the nation is in distress. Terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah? Orang tua itu bukan in distress. Dia, suku-sakat dia, kroni makaroni dia; banyak duit, kaya-raya, tak reti malu, manade in distress?

Again, sebelum ada yang nak go all emo, an upside down flag is a sign that the nation is in distress. Kekacauan, huru-hara, anarki. Ya, Malaysia tidak se-distressed negara-negara yang sedang berperang, countries in famine and plagues, economy in shambles, tapi yang semua nak mengamuk over bendera dia nak terbalikkan ni awatnya? Itu cara dia melaungkan protes, kau nak cara lain buat la cara lain, tak perlu kata yang dia ni jahat kerana konon-kononnya ini suatu penghinaan kepada negara.

Apa makna bendera tu tegak berkibar sekalipun if we're in this current state? Penyalahgunaankuasa and corruption are rampant, basic human rights are being violated left and right, undang-undang are only to be enforced towards certain people, and are free to be ignored by other certain people, inflation on the rise, cost of living is getting higher not intercorrelating well with the level of income, education is still sub par, too many are still not able to school their children, and the biggest issue yang orang kita risaukan hanyalah Malay Supremacy dan bendera terbalik? Apakah?

Menurut kata Encik Wikipedia mengenai Sedition Act; the act criminalises speech with "seditious tendency", including that which would "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against" the government or engender "feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races".

So I'm sure this falls under "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the government." Sebengap-bengap aku, I remember a certain somebody who definitely did "engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races" dengan racist remark dia (Aku takkan gunakan beliau jika aku tidak rasa perlu). I also recall another certain somebody yang offended many just by a flagging a keris, but heck, kita kan di Malaysia, Malay supremacy adalah antara hak yang terjaga in the Constitution. Kita tak boleh kacau. Dia nak offend and engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races tak apa sebab dia ultra-man. So saya yang super bengap ni nak tanya lah ya, adakah mereka ni ditahan under Sedition Act? Dimanakah mereka rasa-rasanya?

“Di dalam peperangan, kita masih menganggungkan betapa hebatnya tukang bawak bendera berjaya mempertahankan panji-panji kita megah berdiri di medan peperangan dan bukannya betapa hebatnya pandekar-pendekar kita berlumuran darah mempertahankan nyawa anak bangsa dari menjadi korban.”

Kamu tahu kamu semua ni bagaikan apa bagi aku? Kamu bagaikan bapa yang marah melenting mengamuk nak bunuh orang apabila kain anak dara kamu diselak tapi buat bodoh sahaja apabila anak kamu itu telah dirogol.

I wish the best for this dude, cos he is witty, funny, not conventional, but who's to say unconventional is morally corrupt? And aku nak my reading materials back bitches!

Ini semua pendapat aku, yang ilmu pengetahuan serba cetek. I'm no journalist. I'm entitled to my own opinion. Bersuara adalah digalakkan, tapi sila bersuara elok-elok dan sopan sebab aku ni senang terguris. Ecey. Susun ayat sebelum dimuntahkan. Kalau nak go on a ravaging bitching mode, hangpa bukak blog sendiri dan have your kicks there. Aku bukan editor majalah yang rasa aku perlu memuaskan semua pihak so kalau aku nak delete sebarang komen, ikut la suka hati wa. I'll leave you with a funny one, an excerpt of konon-konon he interviewed diri sendiri entry in his blog.

"So you think there are better politicians than Pak Lah?
I think Mokhtar Dahari deserved a Tan Sri-ship more than Pak Lah deserved a ride in our Perdana V6 with Gearbox Rosak. I think Pak Lah needs a Kancil. At least the Kancil is known to be brainy."

Cute what this guy. Hehe.

What now? . . . . I could stay here with you

I'm thoroughly depressed. How can you watch House, MD season 4 finale and not feel such way, after all the previous arcs that carry the same theme. Words and deeds. His actions have consequences, regardless of how he indirectly causes it and refuses to acknowledge it. After Jack Moriarty. A bullet in his stomach didn't make him see it. After Tritter. The troubles that occured didn't make him see it. But has he finally grasp it?

He's the most human, the most honest in this episode, and that last bits of scenes in the end pretty much seals it. Holmes and Watson will never be the same. Can't wait for the next season.

Ahhh drama la kau.

Now I'm gonna need the song from that last scene pula. Sounds like Iron & Wine but I'm not sure.

Today my youngest sister, Setan #5 is sitting for her first paper for UPSR. Resilient little thing, all the best, Nett~!

Okay found it. Ahhah, I knew it's Iron & Wine. If you want it, right-click and save link.

Iron & Wine - Passing Afternoon

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

Sick Miserable Cold Day

Iqanabeera, jadi la Tupperware, plastic paling hebat. Great analogy.

Today was supposed to be about doing stuff, going about and settle stuff. But I'm down with THAT infection again. The one that occurs whenever I drank too much sweet liquid, too little plain water, almost no fruit. It hurts like hell, my head spins everytime it hits. This will translate into fever soon enough.

It's a miserable day. I can't read. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. I can't sleep when my feet is ridiculously frozen cold, and all the different beds I try to sleep in, other people's legs I try to warm up to, and every other blankets couldn't warm my feet up, and it was the worst unsettling feeling that's got me in full blown crankiness the whole day.

I'm hungry but I can't eat. The surau held a fast breaking in conjunction with solat hajat for the UPSR/PMR/SPM kids. So everybody's going and no food at home. Serious tak larat nak pergi. So I had bread, when my dad suddenly came back with a plate of chicken rice, complete with a bowl of soup. For me. Ngahaha. Our fathers will always be the one who takes the best care of us no matter how old we are. He rushed home with food, rushed back to surau. :)

Dem, ujian baru bermula.

Picture from P1i, as is the rest of this entry.

Don't wanna leave Mt Helicon yet? It's okay. Go on, dance a little more with Caliope. Kerana Cinta takkan singgah di rumah yang berkunci tak bertuan.

This feels like the worst hangover ever. Minus the nausea. The bleeping maid woke me up. Before 2pm. Kindly she said she would bring lunch up if I want. Yeah ok whatever. Then she proceeded to pester me gently, to immediately get up. If it weren't because the innards of my brain were having their own fireworks competition, I would've screamed my head off and send the poor thing crying like I did to one before. But because I have more respect for her than the previous dumbo who wrecked my clothes and pretended nothing happened, I gave just one stern OK, she shut up and left.

I'm a suspected AB bloodtype, you can't fricking expect me to hop off the bed the immediate second that I realize I'm awake. And I am my most honest self in that few seconds when I'm able to listen and speak on a subconscious level, just a few moments before lucidity came into play. Ask me anything, even I wouldn't know what my subconscious version of honesty would be, and I won't remember it when I wake up, nothing but very vague recollection of snippets from the damned conversation. Ah, if only she knew how lucky she is. To be the only one in this household that's yet to storm out in exasperation from making the mistake of waking me up before I'm supposed to get up.

Ok, point being, severe headache, batshit dry throat and throbbing eye sockets. So bad that my fav dish looks like vile, fermented feces extracted fr om a dog that died ingesting a poisoned rat. It took me an hour to finish eating 1/3 of my meal. Throbbing headache that when I hear my 16 year old sis and her equally loud dumb blondish friends speaking like any other high-schooler gossipping about boys, I blew my top off and screamed at them to fucking keep it down. Motherfucking pissing AB type bitch. So kids, 30 full cancer sticks in 5 hours will not have you waking up a kind, happy bunny. And it is a fucking bitch to fucking update a blog using a miniscule QWERTY keyboard on a P1.

A little heat and I lose some more sleep, A little sleep and a little more heat

Ada sesiapa pekerja Celcom? Bagitau boss kau, it fucking sucks right now. Ape kes kalau aku call orang berkali-kali, tapi dia langsung tak dapat incoming call? Ape kes dia juga call aku berkali-kali, katanya the phone ringing, tapi aku langsung tak dapat incoming call, not even messages saying there were missed calls? Ape kes aku text Mak #2 aku ajak pergi konvo, dia tak dapat pun message? Ape kes aku message pujuk abang aku yang merajuk, when he called back I didn't even get incoming call? Haaa?! Saja je nak mengalihkan kasih sayang abang aku kat adik aku yang #2 tuh kan? Wah wah, mane boleh! Itu abang aku bukan abang dia!!

Tapi misunderstandings cleared. I will have a free semi-professional photographer, who was under the tutelage of Daniel Zain himself on my convo. Ngehehehe. No wonder when I found Daniel Zain I find the name to be very familiar. Sifu abang aku rupanya. And that bastard, he bought himself a 3.8 GHz iMac with 24 inch screen. Itu memang pengguna iMac/Canon yang rasa dia superior. Smug bastard.

Oh termembebel merepek-repek.

Esok akan pergi menyesatkan diri mencari WHY Tailor di Ampang pula. Kemudian menyesatkan diri di Puchong pula untuk jumpa sugar daddy dia mahu tengok presentation skills beta. Then malam will proceed to Kepong after picking my dad up from KLIA. Wish me luck!

Ai no Mi

Romantic by SOOO

Aduh, dunia. Janganlah kelirukan aku. It's been a very, very, very interesting two days. Dua dunia bipolar on two different days, parallel, never colliding.

Day 1

Satu hari, kami the scorned, the aloof one, the scorner AND scorned berhimpun. Dengan keadaan not entirely lucid, aku mengupdate kawan-kawan sekolahku, selama three hours worth of crap. Dari the incident, ke the whole drama high-school, ke hedonism and of addictions. Of married men, married friends, older men, ruggedly goodlooking rich ones, the cheater and the cheated. Life seems bleak. Putting me aside, other people's life is an NBC worth of drama. Sign them up for the next season! One with husband mishap, one with the older man crush, one with the clingy, jealous, distrusting lover.

Aku risau ni. The older man issue. Adakah kau dah kena santau? He's soooo not fucking cute at all. But with all worried friends, we can only worry, try to advice, and wish for the best. And if things go awry, be there, no conditions. Tapi yeah, life seems bleak. If there were banners on our foreheads it would say, All Men Must Die. Tapi in the midst of faithlessness, I was able to shed some life-saving advices, at my own expense. See, what we sacrifice for friends. Haha I wish.

"Pourpres, apa kata kau berhenti?"

"Kenapa? Which one?"

"All of it! That is what started all of this."

"But I can't."

"Stop it, please. Just stop it."

"We'll see. But I highly doubt it."

Itu Day 1.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Day 2.

"I need to ask you some questions about somebody."

"Okay shoot."

And his hands shook. For the first time, something totally, incredibly, ludicrous happened before my eyes. I saw it, and I couldn't comprehend it. A man that loves a person so. Have you ever met a girl who effectively ruined many lives at one time? Immense respect grew for this girl I know and love. You've got at least 4 men, fucking insanely head over heels over you. AT LEAST four. That I know of. And you know of the girls who would soooo fucking do you no matter how straight they are? You're not entirely hot, but I get what he means, there's something special about you. I saw the mad man he becomes, the love, sacrifice and pain. The pure honesty. I'm beyond flabbergasted. I was speechless. How can a person love another so? What more a man?

Have you ever loved someone so much every single thing about her is absolute perfection. Not near. Not almost. But absolute perfection that they have never imagined? Have you ever truly loved a person, you understand every single thing another person in love with her also feels? Have you ever loved someone enough to understand that you're losing her to another man who loves her as much, and deserves her better, so you just let go? Sit there, think of all the madness you've done because of this one person, and say, "In the end of the day, I only want her to be happy. And if being with him makes her happy, I'll let her go."

WHAT? This is madness!

"Pourpres, so tell me if you really think she's done all those things with her boyfriend or previous scandals?"

"I don't know that, I'm just saying that's what I picked up from our various conversations. Don't believe me."

"No. I need to believe it. I have to somehow tell this person inside my head to accept the truth that she's not perfect. He can't take it at all."

o_O'

Come back to reality wey! I can't go that far to pull you back.

I feel so bad for you. No really, my heart doesn't just go out for you, it fucking breaks for you and the pieces bleed all over my hands to see you this way. How do I fix you?

There's no way to. And life being life, the stereos blared out songs that sings your pain. All I can do as I sat there next to him is just comfort him.

"It's okay. You're letting her go for somebody who loves her as much as you do, someone who will do her good and takes care of her like you would. Imagine it's you with her, but just not quite you."

"I fucking hate people like ****. People who I'd like to say, let her go stupid. Why are you still doing this? You're never gonna get her ever at all no matter how much you love her. You're so fucking pathetic, living this kinda life, ruined yourself for her. I fucking hate these men."

"Cos they remind you of you?"

"Cos they remind me of what I am, and wish to never become."

"But at least, think. You're better. You can't accept that she's not pure perfection. He on the other hand, accepts that and still blindly loves her so. Which is worse? You imagine you have her, and discover the facts? What would happen to you then?"

Silence~

"So, how does it feel to be so totally fucking insane?"

He leaned on the wall and looking like every bit the broken man he is, he said...

"I can't take it, the truth that the perfection herself, really isn't perfect. This person inside me can't take it."

So dear, I know you're reading this. He's absolutely insane because of you. If you could only see the things he did, and would do for you, STILL after all these years. The sheer madness, the people he trampled over for you(inclusive of me), the friends and time he lost.

So friend, screw you for giving me hope. And dear friend, I do so wish you love.

And friend, I am so sorry, that I am one of those girls. And even you don't come close to what he would do for her.

Breeze by Larafairie