Suatu siang aku sedang bersiap hendak keluar aku terdengar satu suara dalam bilik ku, dari area tempat tidurku. A deep, seething growl, didn't sound like from fighting cats outside, but from a spot under my table, and not really catlike, more like a panther. Gerun rasanya. But there's nothing there I'm sure.
Aku rasa sudah 4 hari berturut-turut aku bangun, and the first thing I do is cry. Hujung pangkalnya kenapa? I'm unsure myself. Opened my eyes, look at the time, and then just lie back and cry.
Aku teringat, dan bagai perlu seperlu-perlunya, sebilah Saviour, tapi aku tak mahu. Cukup, tamat chapter itu. Segatal-gatal lengan aku, aku mahu menjadi lebih kuat.
Aku seorang yang gagal handle stress, kebiasaannya aku perlu a constant to calm me down, straighten things up, put things into perspective or just to cry to, because I'm dependant like that.
Tambah-tambah lagi dengan every other things. Semua yang happened the last few months ni. Aku tak sedap hati, rasa tidak tenang, familiarity is non-existant, segalanya off balance, aku tidak punya constant lagi.
Maybe, I will take a break. Till I'm feeling better. So, I MIGHT not be around here as much. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can before I leave, a few normalities before all hell breaks loose, but I doubt I have the time to, sebab aku kan procrastinator, semua ini salah aku. Aku ada a few loose ends to tie, things to settle, and being in here doesn't help one bit.
Aku sedar aku sudah hilang tempat itu. Yeah, berbalik ke takuk lama, bagaikan budak sekolah menengah semula. I hated that time, feeling alone in a crowd.
Sorry if you noticed the spacing out, forgetting things more than usual, and severe lack of concentration. I'm really trying. Anxiety and depression kebelakangan ini sangat teruk and it's really harder without the familiar things that used to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, more so not knowing who to trust with my ultimate vulnerabilities tanpa menyusahkan sesiapa. With the person I've become, I realized that aku tak layak minta bantuan sesiapa.
Ingatkah tentang the newscaster's
voice in my head? It's back.
Once I begin to earn my own money, I probably will get myself real, qualified help, medicated even. I don't think I can do this anymore, fighting my demons alone.
So, till my head is coherent, or till tomorrow or till everything's over, or till the waves calm, or till before I go on my real hiatus, I'm taking a short break from here. Good luck for exams, enjoy your lives and jobs and observations, have fun and all the best.
Till further notice.
Pourpres~
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