Friday, November 14, 2008

Kami yang kini terbaring antara Karawang-Bekasi, Tidak bisa teriak "Merdeka" dan angkat senjata lagi

Roaming ada kak, masa aja nggak ada.
Gwe di Bekasi, Jakarta. Capek dehhh~ Tempoh hari dari 6th to 9th I was in Brunei.
Waduh, kepala pusing. I've been really disoriented since the start of the program. At first I thought it's only me, but as I start to talk to people on board on a more personal level, I've observed that everybody seems to have the same syndrome. We barely remember dates and what day it is and what they did or who they met or where they went or who they were with the previous day.
They may call me blur, kamjat, lampi, sengal but I can still that see everyone is actually going through the same thing. It's just that they pretend to know when they don't.
Peace is hard to find onboard, with 300++ other people running around, space and time constricted. I find myself dreading for company yet dreading for time alone at the same time. But sitting on the 5th floor deck, just behind Dolphin Lounge, smoking alone while I stare at the vastness of the sea behind the ship, my brain manages to function again. And I remember what it feels like to be normal and in closer grounds to familiarity. But the peace goes away immediately when you see step inside. It's almost like there's a spell that pulls you into a lost and confused state when you're inside.
And I'm not being cryptic. Really. Cos if you don't understand, it's because my head is still in that state. The disorientation is apparent eh? There are days I miss people at home so much, for the familiarity, but there are days I just want the captain's life. I understand now, how this is not a small feat, how it feels like to be Superman. To be just a nobody back home, but to be treated with such grandeur in all these other countries. I realize, how a person can never be exactly the same after this.
Kawan-kawan, I would like to say sorry in advance, I underestimated how hectic and occupied my time would be, so I would like to apologize in advance for promises unkept. If you could understand how difficult this kind of thing for a person so unorganized and unprepared like me, you won't take it personally.
I do miss all of yous, bloggers and friends. I wish things would still fall into place the way I wish it would when I come back, but there's a nagging feeling that tells me that somehow, that won't happen.
Gotta go now. Tomorrow will be a long day and Bangkok is up next.
Ahhhh, gotta run. Going to neighbor's house for BBQ. Wheeheee.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Shitsurei shimasu :)

Konbanwa, minna-san~

I'm tired, exhausted, never had enough sleep from the last 15 days, but hey, I'm having the time of my life so far.

Tokyo is awesome and Gunma is quaintly beautiful. Due to kesengalan diri sendiri, I didn't get the chance to go to Akihabara, but I managed to get myself dizzy in Shinjuku. Banyaknya lah manusia and the damn train station is too big. I have too little time, but just want to let you know that I'm okay, having fun and we'll be on Nippon Maru tomorrow morning. So till December.

Ada si comel di Jepun yang buat aku gedik by the way. Ngeheheheheheh. Gerramm.

Lots of love

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ingrate bersuara

Suatu siang aku sedang bersiap hendak keluar aku terdengar satu suara dalam bilik ku, dari area tempat tidurku. A deep, seething growl, didn't sound like from fighting cats outside, but from a spot under my table, and not really catlike, more like a panther. Gerun rasanya. But there's nothing there I'm sure.

Aku rasa sudah 4 hari berturut-turut aku bangun, and the first thing I do is cry. Hujung pangkalnya kenapa? I'm unsure myself. Opened my eyes, look at the time, and then just lie back and cry.

Aku teringat, dan bagai perlu seperlu-perlunya, sebilah Saviour, tapi aku tak mahu. Cukup, tamat chapter itu. Segatal-gatal lengan aku, aku mahu menjadi lebih kuat.

Aku seorang yang gagal handle stress, kebiasaannya aku perlu a constant to calm me down, straighten things up, put things into perspective or just to cry to, because I'm dependant like that.

Tambah-tambah lagi dengan every other things. Semua yang happened the last few months ni. Aku tak sedap hati, rasa tidak tenang, familiarity is non-existant, segalanya off balance, aku tidak punya constant lagi.

Maybe, I will take a break. Till I'm feeling better. So, I MIGHT not be around here as much. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can before I leave, a few normalities before all hell breaks loose, but I doubt I have the time to, sebab aku kan procrastinator, semua ini salah aku. Aku ada a few loose ends to tie, things to settle, and being in here doesn't help one bit.

Aku sedar aku sudah hilang tempat itu. Yeah, berbalik ke takuk lama, bagaikan budak sekolah menengah semula. I hated that time, feeling alone in a crowd.

Sorry if you noticed the spacing out, forgetting things more than usual, and severe lack of concentration. I'm really trying. Anxiety and depression kebelakangan ini sangat teruk and it's really harder without the familiar things that used to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, more so not knowing who to trust with my ultimate vulnerabilities tanpa menyusahkan sesiapa. With the person I've become, I realized that aku tak layak minta bantuan sesiapa.

Ingatkah tentang the newscaster's voice in my head? It's back.

Once I begin to earn my own money, I probably will get myself real, qualified help, medicated even. I don't think I can do this anymore, fighting my demons alone.

So, till my head is coherent, or till tomorrow or till everything's over, or till the waves calm, or till before I go on my real hiatus, I'm taking a short break from here. Good luck for exams, enjoy your lives and jobs and observations, have fun and all the best.

Till further notice.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

My mind imprison'd keep;

I am uninspired. I feel lost and without a cause. I have things to say but can't muster enough effort. I thought I care about a lot of things, but maybe in honesty I just don't, and I don't realize it. Cos it feels like another me is taking over again, while I watch from the sidelines.

Maybe later. Maybe soon. Maybe never.

Friday, September 26, 2008

In a rut, out of sorts

I was feeling out of sorts earlier yesterday, so after sending #5 to school, I went on to waste some time on my own. I spent almost 2 hours in MPH alone, reading magazines and a book called "Who Speaks for Islam?" which is actually a good read. I only read some parts and in excerpts. It seeks to clarify the incongruences between the Muslim world and the Western world, by conducting a worldwide research by means of survey and observations of a billion Muslims. The thoughts and words expressed in here are nothing WE, don't already know, but it would still be a great read for us to see how Muslims in other countries perceive things and events.

Not surprisingly, this book will prove to be a shocking revelation to the average ignorant Westerners whose source of information have been proven to be biased, fed to them by the media that seeks to justify their leader's crusade to "save" the Muslim nations from so-called oppression by imposing their flawed values in the name of bringing democracy and progression in THEIR terms. It broadens perspective, and finally brings to light an almost accurate view and representation of the Muslim population in general. I especially enjoyed the What Women Want chapter, THAT would shove some hard facts to them feminist whose adamant on putting a "victim" label on Muslim women who chose to be decent.

Anyway, I spent a few hours there reading this book and some great photography and Photoshop magazines before I was summoned to go buy something for Altec Lansing's birthday. Eventhough I decided earlier that I wouldn't need anything new for coming raya, I changed my mind anyway. I just wanted one new top to match with whatever I already have.

Yes, I am aware it's not really purple. Tapi gamba ni tipu, it's not really THAT hot pink. More like magenta or fuchsia going towards crimson. Can it!

Yeay my 1st day raya's outfit. Not blinging. Memang taklah aku nak cuba compete dengan Kelantanese girls and makciks during raya. Whoa whoa tudung dan selendang pusing-pusing sana-sini atas bawah semat pin sampai 5 sekaligus, layered and comes with shiny bling-blings whoa mata aku takleh bukak whoaaahh. Whoa baju kurung ke tu? Apsal dia ada ropol-ropol sampai macam tu wow! Eh banyaknya rantai dia tak sakit leher ke kak? Whoa bulan Ramadhan mata kau hitam ni tetiba nampak anak bulan Syawal je dia transform jadi biru eh? WHOA~ Macam pergi wedding kat hotel. There is aesthetics, and there is such a thing called over the top.

Else than that, mana tak merudum sekejap self-esteem kalau jumpa this side, all putih-putih, comey lote, pretty, demure and skinny. Seb baik la aku comel dan exotic. Wakakakaaa. Oh and yeaaah dah lama tak main bunga api and mercun sampai sakit tekak dek asap.

Hey, I wonder if we can send mercun to Aussie?

Argh random sungguh. My head's all over the place. Maybe lepas ni kena jalan-jalan lagi. Dah mula rasa drained again.

Drive by shooting

I love them electrical pylons.

Aite, picture time. Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant, TTDI. Majlis berbuka in conjunction with Miss Altec Lansing's 23rd birthday.

Couple #1 bersuap-suapan

Couple #2 ada yang merajuk ada yang gedik

Couple #3 buat-buat comel

Having a hilarious fit kerana kesengalan Altec Lansing dan bf

Miss Altec Lansing and her birthday cake

The ex-housemates
L-R: Milana, Misae, Batchick, Altec Lansing, Pourpres, Kambenk Sepet

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Sometimes I picture all your fingers, sometimes they're crawling down my spine

Tag. Aku suka Tag Heuer Diamond Fiction. Siapa nak masuk meminang adik-adik aku, tolong beli jam ini jadi hadiah langkah bendul untuk aku ye. Tapi kalau nak masuk meminang aku, sila beli Diamond Fiction bersertakan Maurice Lacroix Starside Sparkling Date Watch. Sekian terima kasih.

Bagaikan virus yang menular, I was hit by the tag fever too, courtesy of Detektif Remaja Magenta Kindaichi. Awww sho schweet. 15 random facts about me. Kalau ada fakta berulang I would like to apologize in advance, kapasiti memori aku belum diupgrade lagi.

Dari tahun 2001 sehingga 2008, aku sudah tukar pakai 9 atau 10 bijik handphone. Aku memang suwey dengan handphone sebab aku pelupa, careless, dan sengal. Tertinggal di fitting room, dicuri di surau, jatuh dari tingkat 4, mangsa pickpocket di Petaling Street/Pudu, kebiasaannya tertinggal somewhere and menjadi mangsa orang yang tak jujur. Orang-orang begini aku sumpah dia kemalangan dan mati bergelumang dalam tahi mereka sendiri.

Aku suka bau duit baru. Kebiasaan kalau aku baru dihulur duit elaun, atau baru draw duit dari ATM, or dapat duit raya, aku akan hidu dahulu sebelum disimpan. Mak aku marah katanya buruk perangai, tapi I can't help it. Duit yang buruk diterima dari mamak tak akan di hidu ye.

I'm a collector. Okay fine, some would call me hoarder but I call it collecting. I collect chopsticks, keychains, fridge magnets, foreign and old currencies, watches, perfumes and cameras. I will always keep books, mangas, Shell's Ferrari model cars, anime premiums, movie stubs, travel documents, notebooks, sketchbooks and birthday cards.

I get my music from TV series. I watch something, I hear something I like, I'll find it. It's great really, that's how I get stuff like Loquat, Trespassers William, Susie Suh, The Watson Twins, Ryan Adams, Michael Tolcher, Red House Painters, Rilo Kiley, The Postal Service, The Flaming Lips, Bloc Party, The Shins, Interpol, Cary Brothers, Kate Havnevik, American Analog Set, Cat Power, Sia, Explosions in The Sky and Butterfly Boucher. The rest comes from friends like M83, Mogwai, Sigur Ros and The Perishers and a I go to a Mix CD community on LJ for more obscure choices. It's rare that I download a whole album, or care to find out background details of the artistes as to how they look like, or whatever. Because I like the songs, not the people singing it. I don't like assigning a face to a voice I like, it spoils things. Antara faktor I don't frequent Youtube.

Aku rabun jauh. Power contact lenses aku 425 for each eye. And I still have difficulties reading signboards while driving. I sleep with my contact lenses on, I probably have even worn a pair for as long as 3 months without taking them off. One time I drove wearing only 1 contact lens, just in my right eye and scared the shit out of my friend yang jadi passenger when she saw me steering through the traffic at SS 15's roundabout with one hand over an eye.

I'm not scared of heights, but aku sangat sangat gayat dan seriau bila naik flyover tinggi-tinggi, lagi-lagi if the flyovers have sharp turns. Example of flyovers yang boleh buat aku lemah jantung, the one heading to Cyberjaya, the one yang sangat tinggi dari Subang Jaya ke Sunway, the ones heading to UIA, and such. I kept on imagining the car losing control and steered its way through the barriers and flew over it then crashing on the roads below and if this happens, confirm aku mati.

Aku perlu sekurang-kurangnya 30 minit untuk mamai bila bangun tidur, and time tu aku antara dengar tak dengar, ingat tak ingat akan keadaan sekeliling, kalau orang keliling cari pasal memang kena maki. And kebiasaannya time aku sudah mula menjawab soalan orang tu, aku sebenarnya belum sedar lagi, and time tu aku sangat honest. Aku pernah mengangkat telefon, berborak, janji nak berjumpa orang, maki orang, menjawab apakah password laptop aku, dan bercerita tentang mimpi, tapi semua pun aku tak ingat kalau bukan diingatkan oleh orang yang bertanya/mendengar. Bahaya indeed, one time I almost pick up The Bastard's phone, girlfriend dia telefon, and just before I answer it, he realized it and snatched the phone away. Oh well, kantoi juga eventually. Amongst anime people, this condition is called, AB blood type.

Aku suka mandi hujan. Dari dulu sampai sekarang. Baru haritu aku mandi hujan pukul 3 pagi, berbaring di porch pandang langit. Dengan harapan dapat wash away semak-semak dalam hati. Tapi angin terlalu kencang aku pulak tak tahan sejuk. Menggigil sampai sakit gigi. Takpe, lain kali.

I love eating Koko Krunch. Especially for sahur. Dulu lepas SPM, aku duduk rumah, tak bekerja, tidur sampai petang, aku hanya akan bangun makan Koko Krunch before staring at the TV sampai aku tidur semula. Ape point? Walaupun aku tak buat apa, I didn't gain weight sebab I only ate Koko Krunch.

Aku bercakap dengan orang aku akan maintain eye contact. Maka aku jadi sangat pantang orang yang bercakap dengan aku tak maintain eye contact. But I've come to learn that setengah orang are just plain cacat different, doesn't mean they're not interested in the conversation or they're being disrespectful and rude.

I don't have any kind of stat counter di blog aku. I wouldn't know how many hits, dari mana, pukul berapa, guna browser apa, what search terms used, anything lah. I just don't find it necessary to know if people are reading or not. If they want to make their presence known they can just leave a comment kan.

Aku ada bad habit kopek bibir. Luka berdarah-darah pun aku masih akan kopek selagi aku tak rase licin and free from dried bits. Rasa darah sendiri adalah sangat sedap by the way. Kalau dah luka berdarah, aku akan tekapkan dengan tomato sejuk dan enjoy the pain that shoots up sambil gigit tomato sejuk yang masam itu. Yes, I am aware of my masochistic side. Aku suka direnjat oleh that stupid pen yang digunakan to play pranks on people juga.

I have this crazy fear of rejection. Sebab tu tak pernah job hunting, or admit suka anybody. If I like anybody, I'll just kill the feeling. And most of the times the fear is rational. Sometimes it works out okay. Jobs come to me. Men come to me. But I know I've gotta change that soon.

Waktu muda-muda dulu I tell myself aku hanya akan kahwin dengan a chef, who plays drums, and are into cars serta drives like a demon. Kerana aku tak reti masak tapi suka makan, so aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang suka masak. Kerana aku suka drum tapi tak reti main so aku kena kahwin dengan drummer. Kerana I get all hot and bothered when tengok orang main drums dengan hebat turut menjadi faktor. Kerana aku suka fancy pretty cars and kalau laki aku pun kaki kereta maybe dia boleh bagi aku bawak juga. And also cos I get hot and bothered tengok a skilled, fast and sleek driver in action turut menjadi faktor. Dan kerana semua ini jarang sekali wujud in a guy altogether, aku mungkin takkan kahwin anytime soon.

Walaupun aku cepat bosan dan tak suka keadaan menjadi stagnant, aku sangat tak suka benda yang aku gemar stopped being something consistent. I need it to be a constant. Kebiasaannya on food. Like beriani, and nasi ayam mak aku. Kalau mak aku adventurous dan ubah recipe sikit, aku takkan boleh makan. Or Subway Melt. Or Dave's Deli's Saltin Boca.

Sorry, I don't really have the knack to shorten my pieces, kalau mata berpinar and jari sakit, it's Magenta's fault :p I'm tagging Azroy Bin Jeff, Pearlicia, Kambenk Sepet, Fouad Al-Hazred and Her Possumness.

September came too soon

Kalau lah lelaki boleh belajar jadi macam ini, takdelah aku ni jadi orang yang roll my eyes bila orang tanya bila nak kahwin macam tanya aku bila nak dapat kanser. Aku mungkin lagi gatal nak cari calon adalah. Haha.

"my husband really admirer your artwork since he was studied until now."

Ngahahahaha dah lama tak baca benda kelakar. Kalau tak reti nak tulis in English, tulis sajalah dalam BM. Teringat aku tentang a fellow blogger, but itu cerita lain hari.

Kebelakangan ni asyik teringat datuk aku. Tokwan. Maybe sebab nak raya kan. Tapi raya tahun ni balik Klantan. Huhu. Dah lama gila raya tak balik Ipoh. Memanglah raya di Klantan lagi meriah dan rasa macam raya, sebab raya kat Ipoh kan ke macam beraya kat sini juga. Pergi tengok movie, bantai tidur seharian, atau pergi lepak kedai minum or mandi air terjun. Tapi rindu jugak la sepupu belah Kedah, kalau berkumpul ramai-ramai memang best, macam ade sekali ni mereka buat barbecue waktu raya. Dem jeles gila.

Atuk aku ni, orang Negeri Sembilan asalnya. Kahwin, dapat seorang anak, cerai. Kahwin pula dengan nenek aku yang super comel, asalnya dari Kedah, dan buat baby sampai 9 orang. Dulu aku mati-mati ingat atuk aku pun asal-usul Kedah, sebab loghat memang Kedah habis, loghat nogoghi memang haram jadah tadak. Nenek aku dah basuh cukup-cukup. Haha.

Atuk aku ni, bekas polis, garang nak mampus. Jenis garang yang dia jeling/tenung saja, semua macam dah nak terkucil. Selalu yang kami kena marah is bila main bergayut dekat pintu grill that swings out tu. Or bila dia suruh tutup TV tapi bebudak ni tak nak tutup juga, dia just datang cabut suis(yang tinggi position dia), and semua just diam tak terkata. Sebab kalau merengek kena marah lagi. Haha. Tapi dia juga baik dan rajin melayan cucu-cucu yang ramai ni. Kadang-kadang dia biar saja orang nak panjat bahu dia waktu dia duduk santai atas sofa. Or dia jadikan paha dia bantal untuk budak kecil nak tidur sambil dia membaca.

Atuk aku ni, dulu waktu zaman mak aku kecil, agak pandang harta dan pangkat punya jenis. Bila pakcik aku, Uncle #2 nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati dia tak benarkan, sebab yang perempuan tu bukan dari keluarga yang berada. Padahal dah sekufu la tu, atuk aku ni pun family orang susah. Tak lama kemudian Uncle #2 bercalon baru, atuk aku suruh kahwin sebab anak lord la juga minah tu. On the morning of his wedding day, pengantin perempuan dah tunggu, tetamu dah sampai, semua orang kalut. Uncle #2 tak dijumpai. Tetiba polis sampai. Bercakap dengan datuk aku, sejurus kemudian datuk aku tepuk dahi, dan jatuh terjelepuk.

Pakcik aku masuk lokap, kantoi dadah di sebuah kelab malam(lebih popular dengan panggilan disko zaman tu) the night before. Memang la tak jadi kahwin kan. Mesti la malu si pengantin perempuan tu, takkan bapanya si orang kaya nak bagi juga anaknya kahwin dengan si penagih kan. Tuhan bagi cash. Datuk aku dah jadi orang tak pandang harta sangat. Nak kahwin dengan pilihan hati, sila lah. Asalkan kau happy.

Atuk aku ni, zaman mak aku kecil, jenis yang sangat demand tinggi. Makanan kalau tak panas tak mahu makan. Pakaian kalau tak bergosok dia takkan pakai. Sampai seluar dalam pun kena gosok kalau tak, dia commando la gamaknya. Mak aku cerita, nenek aku layan macam atuk aku ni raja. Bertakhta kalau di rumah memang tak perlu buat apa-apa. Lampu padam, nenek aku yang kecil pendek tu yang tukar mentol sendiri. Nenek aku lah yang akan buat tempat sidai baju sendiri. Datuk aku hanya bekerja dan balik memang santai gila semua benda nenek aku uruskan. Superwoman kan.

Beza gila dengan bapak aku. Bapak aku sampai satu time tu, baju kami semua dia yang cuci, sidai dan lipat. Baju dia gosok sendiri, kadang-kadang bapak aku yang masak dinner(which is always spaghetti/linguine bolognese). Kami semua tak reti nak tukar mentol (aku reti tapi takut kena renjat).

Yang ini semuanya dipetik daripada memori mak aku dan Uncle #5, cerita-cerita lama. By the time zaman aku, atuk aku dah tone down. Masih strict dan garang. Especially on education. Setiap kali balik Ipoh, dia bukan tanya khabar sihat ke tidak, dia tanya result last peperiksaan. Kalau tak cemerlang siap ah, memang kena duduk situ dengar dia membebel, kekadang kena marah.

One time, it was apparent that I was annoyed with his nagging, he said, "Aku marah sebab aku sayang hang, kalau tak sayang aku tak marah, tak kisah keputusan hang lagu mana." Oh, macam tu ke. Lerr, mana orang nak tahu. Nasib baik ah juga, sekolah rendah memang cemerlang lah result aku sebab aku takut kena marah. Dia takkan bagi hadiah, dia cuma puji, bagaikan mengingatkan aku that it is my responsibility dapat good results, bukannya sesuatu that needed explicit rewards baru dilakukan.

Dalam 40 lebih sepupu aku, ditakdirkan aku seorang yang lahir tahun 85, maka aktiviti compare brains dengan cousin ini kurang dilaksanakan pada aku compared to others. Chist. Kalau tak memang selalu nama aku disumpah sepupu-sepapat aku.

Atuk aku ni, dia suka main game bangang dengan kami. One example is, dia akan himpunkan kami beramai-ramai and main trivia merepek.

"Siapa cucu aku, angkat tangan angkat kaki."

Semua pun akan jadi lebih kurang macam anjing, on our backs, feet and hands flailing in the air. Ada juga yang gagal mengangkat tangan atau kaki dengan complete.

"Hmpfth, hang cucu Tok hang, bukan cucu aku", dan buat muka konon-konon menyampah. Haha, macam sial je. Tapi kira time tu siapa yang dilabel cucu Tok memang tak cool ah.

Lain-lain game is game menguji memori.

"Kalau hangpa pandai, cucu laki-laki aku ada berapa, cucu perempuan ada berapa? Haa, jawab cepat-cepat, sape tak dapat jawab dia cucu Tok!"

Ha kira la dari Aunty #1 punya anak sampai sampai Aunty #9. Kalau seorang anak hanya 2 orang je ke tak apalah. Ini semua sekurang-kurangnya 4 orang anak.

"Ada berapa cucu sekolah menengah?"

"Ada berapa yang sekolah rendah?"

"Dari hospital sampai sini ada berapa tiang lampu?"

"Siapa tak dapat jawab dia cucu Kelantan/Terengganu/Johor/whichever the other gramps are."

Malam-malam, when all of us bergelimpangan tidur di ruang TV dan ruang tamu, sesekali atuk aku akan tidur di luar juga, because he lets one of my aunts/uncles have the master bedroom bila ramai sangat yang balik Raya sana. It has become a norm, for him to recite ayat Quran as he was going to sleep, half asleep. I remember how we slept bertemankan ayat-ayat Quran, and even though I didn't understand a thing, the sound of it, his voice, in the dead of the cool night, amongst orchestra-like snoring from the mass of bodies on the floor/sofas and occasional sounds of cars driving by, it was one of the few moments in life I remember of being in such extreme peace, a kind of high, feeling safe and content.

Atuk aku ni, dia sangat suka minum kopi. You know, that kampung punya kopi yang pekat lagi best tu. Aku suka betul kalau dia minta nenek aku buat kopi tu. Aku pun dapat tumpang sekaki.

I really miss all that.

Atuk aku ni, perokok tegar. Fakta ini aku ingat hanya samar-samar, kerana dia jarang sekali merokok dalam rumah when we, the grandkids are there. One day, as he was gardening, he fell into the drain outside the house. He hurt his leg. It was swollen like hell, it couldn't get better. I didn't quite understand it back then, something about his liver was already damaged, and his wound couldn't heal because of the damaged liver. The liver damage then became more serious as months go by. When I visited him in the hospital he had looked his best, with unshaved scruffs, his messy white beard and moustache, I think he looked good like that. He had lost some weight but otherwise he seemed okay, the least garang and that was the fondest memory of him, smiling at me, at us in such pride.

Till it finally came the time that the doctor said, it's best that you bring him home, there's nothing more we can do for him.

In his deathbed, he kept on calling for my grandma. Whenever my grandmother's not by his side, he would start crying out, "Chik...chik." My grandmother would come, hold him in her arm as he held her tight in embrace before he calms down again. It hurts me seeing him in pain, lying there not entirely lucid of the people around him. The house was constantly full of people visiting and reciting Yasin, we barely have anywhere to sit at times.

One day, 22nd September 1999, my mom picked me up after school.

"Tokwan dah meninggal tau. Baru tadi Around maghrib."

I just sat still. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I wasn't shocked. We knew he was leaving us. But I couldn't even muster "Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un". There was no pain, no feeling reacting to the statement, none absolutely.

Until I went to my aunt's place, to where he was. To see him lying there but knowing he's not there. Pale and finally at peace, I finally realized that this was actually happening. He ceased to exist. One of my reason for existence, had simply stopped existing.

I trembled in uneasiness but I wanted to kiss his forehead one last time anyway. I hated it, cos he was cold, and smelt very nice. I didn't want that to be the last feeling imprinted on me of him. He was supposed to be warm, to smell like his usual self, of some aftershave and faint smell of cigarettes. THIS wasn't him.

He had a nice spot under the tree. It was a beautiful, breezy, cloudy day. I don't remember much of that day but me leaning on my elder brother's shoulder, saying goodbye in silence. But I do remember us, the legacy he left behind, laughing and reminiescing afterwards, all the great, garang, hard-assed and funny things my grandfather was. It was funny really, all of us red-eyed, bengkak dan teary but laughing at my uncle and aunties retelling of anecdotes of the old man we call Tokwan.

Al-Fatihah. To Tokwan, and to arwah Khairil Azrul, who died too young, on 17th September 2002.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Your reckless heart, you know you got it. Into the past, I try to sort it


Cheit, tak berapa lama selepas Magenta buat entry ini, aku kena dengan mak aku lagi. Biasa la ibuku si pengkritik/tukang ukur banding.

"Owwwh, tang nak pi terawih, pening kepala. Nak keluar ni pandai plak pening tu sihat?"

"Tuh ah, pandaikan pening ni, mak. Memula dia buat hal, lepas rilek lelama dia okay."

"Ni nak keluar je, tak boleh ke bulan puasa jangan buat macam bulan lain."

"Tak buat macam bulan lain pun, buat macam bulan puasa lah."

"Mak tengok anak aunty Jiran J10 (bukan nama sebenar) hari-hari je pergi terawih."

Telinga dah mula nak panas. Cukup pantang kalau keluar ayat sebegitu.

"Mak belum tengok anak aunty Jiran K3(bukan nama sebenar), batang hidung tak penah nampak kat surau ha."

"Jangan la compare ngan yang tak elok."

"Tak compare aih, cakap je, at least Pourpres pergi la gak kan? Belum tengok anak orang lain kan."

Lari turun cepat-cepat. Kalau aku himpunkan kisah-kisah jadi anak sulung yang tak pernahnya buat secukupnya, tak pernah diappreciate, boleh buat satu entry yang berpinar mata orang nak baca dan lenguh jari nak scroll. Akan datang lah.


Kenapa aku awesome?

Siapa kata kau awesome pun?

Diam ah. Aku tahu aku awesome. Aku awesome kerana...

3 pasang kasut/strappies/selipar Nose yang baru.

Harga asal = RM 59.90+RM 59.90+RM 39.90

Duit yang keluar dari poket aku = RM 10+RM 10+RM 10

Macam shopping kat Uptown. Seronot neh. Ngahahahahaha.


Weekend ini aku terpaksa melepak sama belia lagi. Kemungkinan akan praktis menari sampai 4 pagi lagi dan kemudiannya menjadi mangsa banjir tidur bergelimpangan lagi kerana tidak larat nak ke tingkat 3 lagi. Mati la aku dah lupa semua step nak menari, kena marah la lagi. Harapnya kali ni belia-belia setan yang bagi aku paw rokok datang lagi. Chist baru bercerita pasal bendera, minggu ni aku jadi flag hoister la pula. Tuhan memang bagi cash. Lagi.

Friday, September 19, 2008

For the agony, for the irony, I'd rather know.

Aku pun nak buat post fakta rawak lah. Tapi fakta rawak aku ni harapnya lebih berguna. Dem, suka pulak aku sebut fakta rawak. Macam menarik bunyi dia. faktarawakfaktarawakfaktarawakrawakwakwak

Dateline is not deadline. Kalau kau punya assignment kena hantar by this coming Monday, its deadline is on Monday. Bukan dateline. Okay?

Siapa ingat, in English dulu, kita belajar tentang struktur sesuatu akhbar. Headline itu yang mana, byline tu yang mana, dateline tu yang mana. Dateline refers to the line in an article, dimana sepatutnya dan kebiasaannya it states where and when the article was written, more to where than when cos the date is more frequently omitted.


KUALA LUMPUR March 27th : People gathered here for what can only be described as a jubilating celebration of...

Like I said, most times, a dateline doesn't even have a date. Pergi ah tengok suratkhabar, mana ada date. But it's still called a dateline.

KOTA KINABALU: They have become the target of intense speculation...

As we can see in broadcast media these days, dateline juga diaplikasikan kepada live news report.

"More details should be released during the press conference scheduled later tonight. Anthony Bourdain, Pourpres News, Beirut."

Deadline pula is tarikh tamat. Aku tahu ramai yang tahu, cuma terconfuse between the two. Nak ingat senang, kalau kau tak hanta by the aforementioned time, maka kau akan mati. Mati. Dead. Deadline. Line dimana kamu akan mati. Boleh?

Ini aku notice, banyak dok oh yang membuat this error. Melana tau. Sampai rasa nak jentik dahi orang-orang ini semua. Tapi jangan risau, yang bijak pandai baca buku hebat-hebat dan pointer tinggi-tinggi pun tetap buat kesilapan ejaan ini. Hey, ada journalist juga buat silap ini tahu?

Alang-alang, it's definition, not defination. Maka bahasa Malaysia equivalent dia, I believe should be, definisi, bukan definasi, but tak tahu la, aku tak ada dictionary BM, so kalau aku salah tolong betulkan.

Yang lain punya error aku tak kisah sangat. Tapi urat dahi aku akan menjelma jika aku lihat deadline disalahejakan sebagai dateline. So now that you know, selamatkanlah dahi kamu daripada dijentik.

Ini pun boleh dikira deadline ke?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

Aku sebenarnya seboleh-boleh tidak mahu menulis tentang politik. Selain dari kerana tidak berminat nak mengunjung kontroversi, aku juga tidak mahu mewujudkan suasana di mana orang melabel aku seperti ini atau seperti itu kerana sesuatu pandangan aku., ataupun menimbulkan jurang antara aku dan orang-orang comel yang membaca repekan aku. Yes, of course, it's also because I am not well-versed in it, aku baca nama-nama tetapi jarang-jarang sekali aku tahu hujung pangkal as to who they are in the political scene. Aku memang payah sikit title-title ni. Kalau aku jumpa sebarang tokoh politik pun aku takkan sedar.

Ye, bab kalau kau tanya, hey, what handphone should I buy if I have the budget of RM 700 to RM 1300, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, kau lagi suka Pax Vikedal atau Hopen wardrobe, aku boleh jawab. Kalau kau tanya, apa pendapat kau tentang the Kashmir dispute between India and Pakistan and how best you think we should resolve it, I still probably can answer.

Tetapi, aku nak bersuara, kerana kebelakangan ni aku SUKA baca mamat ni. Lepas sahur tadi aku terlihat lintasan berita ringkas, blogger Syed Azidi Syed Aziz was arrested last night under the Sedition Act. What is this, another crackdown? According to The Star, he was arrested and is under investigations for instigating that Malaysians should fly our flags upside down, symbolising how our nation is in distress. What? That's it? Really meh that is WHY?

Sure, many will agree that it's disrespectful, but he doesn't mean disrespect. Apa yang lagi disrespectful terhadap negara adalah orang yang tidak menjalankan tanggungjawab. The people yang telah mengangkat sumpah terhadap negara, tetapi sedang bersenang-lenang whilst the people they swore to represent are feeling unspoken for.

Kita terlalu taksub with symbols and logos and pictorial representations of what we are. Itu yang marah semuanya dengan tindakan Sheih Kickdefella raising the Malaysian flag upside down. Terlalu literal kita ni. Yeah la, semua kan jiwa puitis halus, lebih senang melabel sesuatu pada perkara-perkara simbolik, untuk menjadi representation sesuatu yang zahir. Sehinggakan yang zahir sebenarnya sudah menuju hancur luluh, tapi bagi mereka tak mengapa, yang penting yang simbolik lagi perlu dijaga. Secara halus yang kita tidak lihat? The disrespect and betrayal dari golongan pemimpin yang supposedly bekerja FOR us, kini telah ditunggang terbalikkan sehingga rakyat yang bekerja for them, for their families, kita lihat tak?

Nak anti aku anti lah, aku memang bukan antara mereka yang patriotik, yang pandang tinggi akan panji-panji kebesaran negara, bagi aku bendera itu hanya sehelai kain yang melabel dan beza-bezakan nation. Adakah ini bermaksud I'm disrespectful towards my home country? Menghina negara? If I put on display a cute little flag sebesar tapak tangan aku, does that mean aku memperkecilkan Malaysia? If I am one of those people yang meletakkan bendera pada hood kereta sehingga hampir hitam bendera itu, adakah aku dikira rakyat yang mencemarkan negara? Bendera di tiang lampu tergantung tidak kukuh, jatuh ke atas jalan dan aku sebagai pemandu hanya mampu menggilis bendera tersebut dengan tayar aku yang memang dah sehitam rambut aku, am I supposed to go, "Shit! Aku telah menggilis negara dengan tayar kereta aku! Damn!"

Ramai yang bersuara mengatakan, daripada buat begini kepada bendera tercinta, baik syorkan kita terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah, sebagai tanda kita semua mahu dia step down. Bendera diterbalikkan itu dibuat dengan laungan, the nation is in distress. Terbalikkan gamba Pak Lah? Orang tua itu bukan in distress. Dia, suku-sakat dia, kroni makaroni dia; banyak duit, kaya-raya, tak reti malu, manade in distress?

Again, sebelum ada yang nak go all emo, an upside down flag is a sign that the nation is in distress. Kekacauan, huru-hara, anarki. Ya, Malaysia tidak se-distressed negara-negara yang sedang berperang, countries in famine and plagues, economy in shambles, tapi yang semua nak mengamuk over bendera dia nak terbalikkan ni awatnya? Itu cara dia melaungkan protes, kau nak cara lain buat la cara lain, tak perlu kata yang dia ni jahat kerana konon-kononnya ini suatu penghinaan kepada negara.

Apa makna bendera tu tegak berkibar sekalipun if we're in this current state? Penyalahgunaankuasa and corruption are rampant, basic human rights are being violated left and right, undang-undang are only to be enforced towards certain people, and are free to be ignored by other certain people, inflation on the rise, cost of living is getting higher not intercorrelating well with the level of income, education is still sub par, too many are still not able to school their children, and the biggest issue yang orang kita risaukan hanyalah Malay Supremacy dan bendera terbalik? Apakah?

Menurut kata Encik Wikipedia mengenai Sedition Act; the act criminalises speech with "seditious tendency", including that which would "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against" the government or engender "feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races".

So I'm sure this falls under "bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the government." Sebengap-bengap aku, I remember a certain somebody who definitely did "engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races" dengan racist remark dia (Aku takkan gunakan beliau jika aku tidak rasa perlu). I also recall another certain somebody yang offended many just by a flagging a keris, but heck, kita kan di Malaysia, Malay supremacy adalah antara hak yang terjaga in the Constitution. Kita tak boleh kacau. Dia nak offend and engender feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races tak apa sebab dia ultra-man. So saya yang super bengap ni nak tanya lah ya, adakah mereka ni ditahan under Sedition Act? Dimanakah mereka rasa-rasanya?

“Di dalam peperangan, kita masih menganggungkan betapa hebatnya tukang bawak bendera berjaya mempertahankan panji-panji kita megah berdiri di medan peperangan dan bukannya betapa hebatnya pandekar-pendekar kita berlumuran darah mempertahankan nyawa anak bangsa dari menjadi korban.”

Kamu tahu kamu semua ni bagaikan apa bagi aku? Kamu bagaikan bapa yang marah melenting mengamuk nak bunuh orang apabila kain anak dara kamu diselak tapi buat bodoh sahaja apabila anak kamu itu telah dirogol.

I wish the best for this dude, cos he is witty, funny, not conventional, but who's to say unconventional is morally corrupt? And aku nak my reading materials back bitches!

Ini semua pendapat aku, yang ilmu pengetahuan serba cetek. I'm no journalist. I'm entitled to my own opinion. Bersuara adalah digalakkan, tapi sila bersuara elok-elok dan sopan sebab aku ni senang terguris. Ecey. Susun ayat sebelum dimuntahkan. Kalau nak go on a ravaging bitching mode, hangpa bukak blog sendiri dan have your kicks there. Aku bukan editor majalah yang rasa aku perlu memuaskan semua pihak so kalau aku nak delete sebarang komen, ikut la suka hati wa. I'll leave you with a funny one, an excerpt of konon-konon he interviewed diri sendiri entry in his blog.

"So you think there are better politicians than Pak Lah?
I think Mokhtar Dahari deserved a Tan Sri-ship more than Pak Lah deserved a ride in our Perdana V6 with Gearbox Rosak. I think Pak Lah needs a Kancil. At least the Kancil is known to be brainy."

Cute what this guy. Hehe.

Tonight, to feel alive, we try again

Sebelum-lebat okay.


I have this uncle yang sangat pelik, dia suka panggil aku amoi. Kalau dia mai rumah ja, nampak batang hidung aku dia akan tersenyum besar dan mula panggil aku macam aku berusia 10 tahun. Dia akan lambai aku macam panggil budak dan kalau ada apa-apa dalam poket dia, dia hulurkan macam bait untuk budak kecil. Sometimes it will be RM 1, sometimes it will be a bunch of 5 cents, sometimes it would be used tissue.

"Lai, lai, Ah Moi arrr, long time no see, ni hau?"

"Haha, fine. Manade amoi. Sikit pun tak macam amoi ok."

"You're so amoi la, tak notice meh? Tengok muka, haa kan macam amoi." *sambil cubit pipi aku*

"Manade, tengok warna kulit sikit boleh? Mata orang besar lah~!" *besarkan lagi mata sambil betulkan spek dia takut dia tak nampak*

"Amoi ahhhh~"

"Okay dah cukup. Annoying ah. Serious plak."


"Eh serious la ni. Awat? Takdak orang penah panggil hang amoi ka?"


Biar behtik orang tua ni. Aku dah biasa dia panggil aku amoi, aku layankan saja, sebab aku anggap itu endearing term dia untuk aku. Tapi aku dengar tone and tengok muka dia, I see him konon-konon being serious.

"Eh hellooo orang lain tak buta mcm Uncle #5 kot, you look at your own wife and kids bleh? Depa tu ha muka cina habih."

"Hang tu, cara cam amoi. Comel pa, pesaipa hang tak suka sangat? Lagak hang, your mannerism, muka, rambut hang lagi."

"Tang mana weyh? Langsung tak. Dah ah, Uncle #5 ni merepek tak habeh, pi men jauh-jauh ah."

"Alalala amoi arr, lu jangan ah melajuk. Wa tatak tipu worr."

Bab cakap macam ni, Mama Setan and her elder brother memang sama je. Maybe because they grew up in Ipoh? Wa tatak tawu wor.

By this time aku dah confuse, ini masih lagi teasing just cos semua orang memang suka kenakan aku ke, dia ni memang tak betul?

"Sumpah ni?"

"Sumpah apa?"

"Swear you think I look like an amoi? Like for real, no joke?"

"La dak nih, betui la. Sumpah. Abeh selama ni panggil hang amoi watpa? You really don't think you have chinese looks ke?" *nada serious lagi* Kau memang hebat berlakon.

"Maybe bila gelak kadang-kadang sepet. Tu je. But definitely not enough to be labeled amoi."

"Something wrong with your eyes."

"Ek eh, Pourpres plak? Something wrong with YOUR eyes okay. Dah, perabih boreh je ckp ngan Uncle #5."

"Amoi garang nampak comel lahhhh."

"Argh!! Manade! MAK!!"

Ye, memang hobby of his to tease me. Not that aku ada masalah dengan orang Cina yang aku tak suka dipanggil amoi. It's cos IT IS SO obvious yang aku sikit pun tiada Chinese look .


Beberapa minggu yang lalu aku ke Spazio to get a haircut. Menjadi kakak mithali sekali-sekala dan melayan begging adik aku yang suruh aku bawa dia potong rambut dia yang dah macam haram.

"Lu mau macam mana?"

"Tamau pendek, just trim bagi balance, layered sket, depan ni maintain like this but shorter."

"Lu tamau highlight ka, straighten la mesti nice."

"No, I suka dia wavy, I tak suka straight and nipis tipu-tipu tu."

*senior stylist tu angkat-angkat dan usha rambut aku*


*snip snip snip snip snipsss later*



He Chine-fied my hair. He fucking Chinesed me! He layered it sooo soooo thin at the back, he blowdried it straight. Dimanakah rambut singa ku yang bersepah-sepah itu? Argh! Now dah kembali wavy. Dan nasib baik la aku ni jenis tak suka pakai sikat rambut. Jarang-jarang sekali aku sikat. Aku kemaskan dengan tangan sahaja. Sekarang lagi lah. Mana pergi sikat pon tak tahu. Tapi annoyed tengok cermin rambut belakang sangat nipis, dan dengan sideswept bangs aku lagi lah. Aku bukan racist yeah. Cuma aku tak suka kalau rambut aku jadi sama straight dan nipis macam most Chinese girls punya hairstyle tu, dan kelihatan tajam macam boleh cucuk bebola sotong okay.


Then one day my uncle came one early morning. Aku turun salam, rambut serabai bangun tido. Aku serabaikan lagi so that tak nampak nipis sangat.

Aku nampak kelibat pakcik aku, tengah stretch pinggang di tepi kolam ikan. Dia nampak aku dan dia tersengih besar sambil menghulurkan tangannya.

"Ah moiii aahhh~"




Aku tarik muka ala-ala nak fed up aku. "Ape?"

Dengan gediknya sambil senyum nakal dia bersuara, "Finally decided that you DO look like an amoi and got a haircut yang more sesuai eh?"


*snicker snicker*

Damn yuhhhhhhh!!!

Selepas-dowh nipis ngoks

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"It always seems to me that people who hate me must be suffering from some kind of lunacy."

To you know who you are, good writers have a point, and wouldn't be random. I'm random. I'm not a good writer. THIS is evidence. Entry yang most likely nobody would read. But who cares?

If you watch Astro, then most likely you know about Astro Box Office. Another way for Astro to eat up our money walaupun dia dah memang bongok ambil duit tapi program tak se up to date 8TV yang free. Buduh.

Last time I really like Astro Box Office. It's a chance to watch foreign movies yang tak berapa senang nak sampai, or indie film yang aku tak rajin nak mendownload. It was better then because there were loads of Japanese movies. One notable favorite yang aku takkan lupa sampai mati is a 1995 movie, Love Letter by Shunji Iwai. That was a damn good movie yang stays with you years after. Melancholic, nostalgic and aching, exactly my kind.

If you paid attention to it thoroughly, it used to be that ABO came with collection of movies that were popular in Film Festivals. Back then lah. They will have like, 5 awesome to good movies and the rest are usually crap. But tak apa, bukan duit aku, duit bapak aku. The number Astro Box Office tu aku memang dah hafal dah. Ramai orang yang paid little to no attention to ABO, but to be fair, its collection of movies these days are crap.

But recently, you must have noticed the excessive advertising of ABO current line up, one notable one being a Japanese movie called Sky of Love/Love Sky. The moment I saw Love Sky it came to me. I remember reading about this movie. This is a movie made from a best selling novel in Japan. What's so fascinating about this novel you say? This is one of those cellphone novels that's was all the buzz in Japanese literary scene.

For the uninitiated, cellphone novels is exactly what it is. Novels typed on mobile phones. As SMSes. Text message format.

[Off topic jap]

We all know the Japanese mode of coming of age is getting a mobile phone. There are no other more robust market for mobile phones than the Japanese, especially so amongst the young. Of course, their technology is different. Here, there are no such thing as ordering shoes through your mobile phone, have it sent to the nearest 7 Eleven for you to pick up.

Especially so the Sony Ericsson ones. They save their best phones for the Japanese market. It's common concept that Sony Ericsson integrates everything Sony into their phones, like Walkman and Cybershot. They now have Bravia integrated into Sony Ericsson phones, for the slowpoke ones, Bravia is Sony's flasghip plasma TV line. One example is this, Sony Ericsson SO903iTV.

A super slim phone with a 3" Sony Bravia widescreen display, 3 megapixel auto-focus camera, software to pause, skip, record live TV, GPS navigation, and Felica cashless electronic payment system. Yes, that's the antenna for them to pick up digital TV signals to watch during long commutes.

This would be a typical day for a young working Japanese.

"His typical day starts with him checking his email on his phone. He gets all his daily tasks and calendaring events this way. He then syncs it with his computer. He pays for the subway by placing the phone on a kiosk granting him access past the gates. The commute is spent watching TV on his phone by rotating the screen. A small antenna extends up and catches the wireless digital TV signals.

About 45 minutes later, he's in Tokyo and heads to a vending machine to buy fresh fruit and water. He places the phone up against a pad. The vending machine reads his bank information which is tied into his phone. He then places his thumb on the phone's tiny thumbprint reader to verify his identity. As he makes his way to the office, he waves the phone near the door handle to unlock it. During a 10 minute break, he's flips thru a magazine and sees something he wants to buy. The item has a tiny stamp size barcode pictogram next to it. He scans the pictogram with his phone. A receipt and shipping confirmation hits his email minutes later.

As the day ends, he syncs with his work computer and goes grocery shopping paying for items with his phone. Before heading home, he heads to a bar his friend has invited him too. He uses the phone to give him step-by-step directions. The day is finally over and his phone's battery is nearing the end of its life. He plugs it in and goes about the rest of the evening relaxing before bed.

Quoted from Tranism.

And there's been talk about integrating the PSP into Sony Ericsson's line of mobiles, and by then, Nokia's Ngage gaming phones would be rotting in no time. One impressive fan concept I'd like to see Sony Ericsson take into consideration is this one.

Okay cukup la dengan off topic. Takde niat sebenarnya nak go all rabid on Japanese mobile phone technology.

I had wanted to talk about SMS novels/cellphone novels je sebenarnya. Bongok. Love Sky/Sky of Love was originally written in text message form. Of last year's top ten Japan's best-selling novels, half of them were originally written as cellphone novels, mostly love stories written as short stories, characteristic of text messaging format, but contains little of the plotting and character development that would be present in traditional novel format.

"Love Sky/Sky of Love, a debut novel by a young woman named Mika, was read by 20 million people on cellphones or on computers, according to Maho no i-rando, where it was first uploaded. A tear-jerker featuring adolescent sex, rape, pregnancy and a fatal disease — the genre’s sine qua non — the novel nevertheless captured the young generation’s attitude, its verbal tics and the cellphone’s omnipresence. "

Quoted from NY Times.

Of course, cellphone novels are not as long as traditional novels, one chapter would have around 70 words. The 21 year old writer of "If You", had her cellphone novel republished into a 142 page hardcover last year, sold 400,00 copies and became the #5 Best Selling novel last year. Often chided by old school novelist for not having as substantial or extensive storylines, especially so coming from traditional Japanese literary scene, which are most famous for depicting scenes in such emotional breadth.

If you are familiar with Haruki Murakami, Natsuo Kirino or any other Japanese literary sensei, their style is commonly very emotionally descriptive. Take for example Nobel Prize Winner, Yasunari Kawabata's classic, "Yukigini", with its famous opening line, exemplifying exactly that with "The train came out of the long tunnel into the snow country. The earth lay white under the night sky. The train pulled up at a signal stop."

Cellphone novels are devoid of all that, descriptive emotional depiction of scenes. It's more direct and forefront, and the lack of descriptives make it highly relatable to any reader, wherever they may live. In cellphone novels, characters tend to be undeveloped and descriptions thin, while paragraphs are often fragments and consist of dialogue. But I highly disagree with the connotation that they lack in emotions, as emotions are subjectively depicted and interpreted, thus cellphone novels should have the same appeal as short stories, the thin air it hangs on to, the simple words that evoke vast varying feelings, ah you know the drill.

Cellphone novels are typically told in first person, making it like reading a diary. It shouldn't be that much different from that of Murakami, Miyuki Abe or Kirino's work, granted that these traditional novelists are of a different league entirely, given that they come up with extensive vocabulary, storyline, execution whilst cellphone novels are straight forward and predictable. Common grounds is in evoking feelings and emotions, and even though I'm being off topic again since they are debating on whether or not they are valid as novels, it shouldn't be discredited as a sub-genre anyway.

Lady Murasaki

But most importantly, I would agree with some opinions that it pays homage to the style of Lady Murasaki herself. Murasaki Shikibu, the aristocratic early 11th century figure, royal lady-in-waiting, noblewoman author of the fictional, "The Tale Of Genji", written in the Heian Period, which is commonly accepted as the world's first modern novel. Unrealizingly, most of the cellphone novel authors, which are female, seem to channel Lady Murasaki's spirit and perspective in writing, by delving into affairs of the meagre heart. Only, of course, how can these 20 something year olds be compared to the most important Japanese literary figure in history, the mysterious literati herself, whose works have been inspiration to multitudes of modern authors till today. "Genji" specifically was noted for its characterization, psychological depiction and internal consistencies throughout all its chapters and hundreds of characters.

Yoshitaka Amano's paintings of Genji. Yes, of course I want this and while you're at it, get me The Sandman one too.

But the point being, I don't entirely agree with the notion that cellphone novels contribute to hasten the downfall of Japanese literature. It's a great way to start as an author, sheer simplicity in evoking feelings and emotions should come first, then polished with better and more accurate vocabulary, superior grammar, quality of execution, extensive development of characters and plots, and such. Why else would the cellphone novels garner such place in the literary scene, becoming this decade's popular culture, if it didn't strike the right chords?

Maybe I should try watching Sky of Love huh.

Post Scriptum: Mentioning Lady Murasaki does not mean in any way I favor her over Sei Shonagon. Their rivalry does not concern me. I would love to read Genji, and I would still love to have Sei Shonagon's work, "The Pillow Book". Buy for me please?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

And I love her so, I wouldn't trade her for gold

What did this ever mean to you?
I wish it was something
Little thing;
Or was it just nothing?

Maybe for once,
I'd rather it not be
Another mistake
Temporary insanity
Lapse of judgement.

And I forget how hope is just poison;
It rots the flesh from the inside
It drains the soul into a vacuum
It leaves a stench irrevocable,
Stench of what would be
What could have been
What can never be
Ever again

I live in another world, where life and death are memorized

Ye be warned, this is a heavy pictorial post and severely outdated.


Merdeka Eve, tengok fireworks from the balcony.

Merdeka Day, watched Ismail: The Last Days. I wanted to watch it when I read that they incorporated Usman Awang's poetry, else than Doc Ismail being the most intriguing character in Malaysian political history to me.

I've never been to this kind of play before. The first time was a big scale one in Istana Budaya called Siti di Alam Fantasi, most of them were children but heck, they gave a stellar performance that nobody really cared that Amy Mastura was one of the leads.

Franz Liszt, one of my favourite composers

For this one, it was my first time at KLPAC. It was refreshing to see, that things go very smoothly, well done, well-sang and well worth the standing ovation. The songs are too repetitive at times, but that one haunting song does bode well with the scene. And I was in a delighted glee, it's not always that we get to listen to proper English, not British or American accented(okay maybe more towards British-ish), nor Manglish, but impeccably beautiful. Exactly the kind I like to listen to. It was quite a turn on really. Hmmm.

I was really impressed by the mass of supporting actors, who never forget to play their roles simply because they were in the background. One scene was particularly impressive; a scene where 2 main characters were conversing in the foreground, reminiscing about the past, and the background characters all so befittingly went into slow motion mode. They moved only like 1cm per second that it was almost unnoticeable if it weren't because of one cast, a waitress was walking from one side of the stage to another at THAT speed. Kalau aku, dah terketar-ketar kaki semua. Yeah, end up I was more engaged to watch the background actors than the lead cast.

I took my 2 sisters to this. The Sage was supposed to meet us there, but he got lost. Yeah, the town boy, got lost in KL. Ngahaha.

I drive and shoot at the same time. John Woo can hire me any day.


Last Friday, a bunch of us got together to celebrate Ju-On's birthday/majlis berbuka puasa at LaGourmet Cafe, The Curve. Blegh. Tak sedap, sikit dan mahal. Lapar seharian pun aku tak sanggup nak habiskan makanan aku. Tolong jangan pergi ya. But the service was very good.

Proceeded to watch a movie, Indonesian horror flick Angker Batu. It wasn't really that scary. I was already fed up because it's so bloody slow I just can't wait for a hantu to pop up, but the suspense building up to a scary scene was scarier than the bloody hantu, and the ghosts were mostly imported from Korea. You know, the weird postures, crawling up the stairs, stuff like that.

But one scene was very commendable, a whimsical, Neil Gaiman-ish, The Cell-like scene where we get to see what the possessed was going through in their heads as they lie there arching in hysterics to the eyes of the helpless crowd. They paid lots of attention to setting up the scenes and moods and backdrops for the movie, but they failed to put enough input in lines, plots and careful construction of the movie's flow. One comedian in the movie saved the day though, just by injecting nice dosage of funniness and silliness, whilst the rest of the actors are batshit terrible at playing serious, horrified, panicked, exhausted and heroic. In the end, it looked more like a badly done, confused zombie movie. Blegh.

We went to the new Rasta afterward, where the workers were clumsy. One dropped a glass and sent shards of glass everywhere, very near to us that our jeans and shoes were the only reasons we weren't getting arterial bleeding. Another one dengan bengap sengal bodohnya menumpahkan HOT WATER atas tangan aku. I was THIS close to being THAT jerk of a customer who snaps and fucking screams her head off at the poor thing. Heck, fighting natural instinct to automatically retaliate was actually kinda frustrating. Tsk tsk.

Ape point sebenarnya semua ni? Since when do my entries have points? Aku rajin nak post gamba hari ni. Tapi malas nak buka Flickr. Hence the nonsensical randomness. To the backwards people who's still using dial-up, do forgive me, and go get a bloody broadband.

Post Scriptum: i. captures from Nikon D40, ii. captures from Canon IXUS 960 IS. Tweaks done on iPhoto.

Monday, September 15, 2008

But you could run for a million miles, and still have nowhere to go

Pre-Departure Training
Nippon Maru thingey majingey.

I missed a weekend, and I missed satu sesi belia berperang sesama sendiri. Had to try to comprehend whatthemajignutwuzgoin'on on yahoogroup, later explained during us girls' pillow talk session. Damn gossip at 5.30am.

Okay, strike 1.

After photoshoot and berbuka at Putrajaya, I dropped one of my peers at the complex, got out to take a little spin so I can smoke. Just for like, 5 minutes. I came back, another drama was done with. Words were exchanged, 2 were pissed off at each other, some more bitching and backtalking ensued, and you know the deal with people, bila dah marah kena sound, depa ni retort with argumentum ad hominem la pun. Chist terlepas lagi. All infos are gained via hearsay sajalah lagi.

Strike 2.

Depan iDaniel
After eating that sahur thingey majingey.

Got home after a tiring a day and a half, I slept the whole day in my super awesome bed and super awesome aircond and super awesome solitary confinement, ignoring the blistering pain in my legs. Little did I know, I missed another juicy gossip, now in regards to the local blogging community. Tsk tsk tsk. By the time I wanted to check out the newly-crowned James Frey of the local bloggers, it was too late! The blog was already deleted. Damn.

Strike 3. Dunia ini dengki.

Anyhow, in regard to this infamous fantasy writer, I came across his blog once, but sparked no interest to me. Not that I'm like this hebat private investigator whose smoking gun gave way to unfolding the truth, I wouldn't know that he's writing a memoirfiction. Just that when I see a popular blog with loads of comments, I tend to steer away. With few exceptions of course, up to my discretionary slim pickings, some popular-blogs-with-loads-of-followers do interest me, the average nobody who doesn't get any inside jokes. Some people seems to be pissed off feeling like they've been lied to, which reminds me I should put my Disclaimer back up. I'm impartial because I never really read the lies nor paid any particular attention to him, nor do I completely believe in what anonymous bloggers say, but hey, doesn't this remind us all of that person we've all had the chance of encountering at one point or another in our lives?

Yes, the pathological liar. Sometimes well masked as a know-it-all. The bunch of people who needs to have people believe how exciting and great their lives are. Now I'm not talking about any one person okay. But we've all had that kind of acquaintances, who claimed grandeur of such mundane simplicity, sometimes so bizarre that we feel insulted that they really think we're buying this. My question is, do we need it? Such grandness, can't we just be another average Joe or a plain Jane, what's wrong with ordinary?

Kalau nak menipu pun, have some skills. Be very great at masking who you are, kill everybody that knows you, and have awesome photo-editing skills. Like me. Like everybody knows I'm not as fair and candy-coated sweet smiled as my Profile picture. Duhh. And I've killed everybody that knows me in real life, and I spun out yarns of boring stories to write in my blog so that people won't know that I'm actually exciting and hebat and cool and awesome and superior like not even the resident Nyah can beat my exhilirating lifestyle! Wheeee~!

Yeah you wish. Lying is so not my forte. Or is it? ;)

Taken near Putrajaya Pink Mosque with a Canon IXUS 960 IS, severely edited with iPhoto for the painting-ish effect
Best viewed in full reso.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

A friend is not a means, you utilize to get somewhere

I will be away for the weekend. Don't ask where. Nippon Maru stuff. Going to visit and mingle with the opposite spectrum of youths.

Take me to your leader
From FILE Collection of Unexpected Photography

I'll leave you with my current fav, lull-me-to-sleep song. The link leads to sendspace if you want the song.

Calexico and Iron & Wine - He Lays in the Reins (Bonus)

One more drink tonight as your gray stallion rests
Where he lays in the reins
For all of the speed and the strength he gave

One more kiss tonight from some tall stable girl
She’s like grace from the earth
When you’re all tuckered out and tame

One more tired thing the gray moon on the rise
When your want from the day
Makes you to curse in your sleep at night

One more gift to bring we may well find you laid
Like your steed in his reins
Tangled too tight and too long to fight

Friday, September 12, 2008

Why do you listen, when nobody's talking?

Snappish snappish snappish. Too early in the morning to be running errands, I turned into that impatient, panas-baran, berrating bitch again. #3 annoyed me by being a blardy slowpoke. WHY, would a boy take SO fucking long to shower in a cold morning?? Kau teguk air ke bongok? Baru je sahur kot? Pagi-pagi dah kedengaran riuh bagaikan The Furies yang menendang pintu bilik air sambil memaki si jantan yang mandi macam betina.

I wonder if your moms have this habit of, say you're in an argument, she asks a question, you answer it and she retorts with, "Haa menjawab, MENJAWAB!"

"Apsal you do that jugak? Saja nak degil ke apa?"

"Hak ah

"Ha tengok tu menjawab! Siapa suruh awak menjawab?

"Dah mak tanya orang jawab ah

"Tengok tu menjawab lagi!

da efff?!

Antara conversation tak matang yang keluarga aku perlu dengar from time to time satu masa dahulu. Moms have this habit. Asking questions berulang kali tapi tanak jawapan. I don't. When I morph into a raging bull, and I ask questions, I want an answer, and I want it now. #5 failed at this earlier this morning, usually her slowpokeness and off-topicness is tolerable, cos she's the baby right, but nooo. SNAP SNAP SNAP.

"Do I look like your mother? Asks questions she doesn't want people answering? If I bloody ask something you fricking answer it, correctly and quick!"

Oh my, PMS the pre-historic monster creeps all the way into current. No sleep+crazy hormones. I realize I'm being a jerk, but it just came out anyways, I realize this poor thing has got UPSR today and I better not rattle her up so early in the day, but it came out anyways. I realize this is no longer the person I want to be, but it's still part of me, and it came out anyways. And it feels liberating somehow.

Reached school, she's all quiet because she's afraid she might be walking on thin ice. Anything she say could be reason for fireworks to go off in the car. I feel bad, I don't want her to start her day such way.

"Okay #5, you can do it. Prayers and confidence. Be alert jangan berangan."


"Forget about yesterday's paper, it's in the past it means shit now cos you can't do anything about it. Today, you can still do something about today, so jangan fikir dah about the 3 questions that you hentam-ed yesterday."

"I didn't hentam, teacher said to call it intelligent guesses."

"HAHAHA, Uhhh.. Right, in my day they call it lempar dadu. Yours is a better euphemism."

"What's that, yew-fur-mizem?"


"Kitaorang tak pernah blaja pon perkataan tu!"

"Okay okay nevermind. Later I tell you, now get out of my car. Remember what I said, forget about yesterday, it's done with, but you can still change today."

"Thanks, by the way, you give better advice than mom."

*hinsh hinsh kembang idong*

By that I know what she means, mom is a critique. It's what she does best. She will never say, "It's okay, it's just 3 questions you didn't get to answer."

She will say, "How come you didn't have enough time? Because you wasted time on other questions right? Because you didn't study enough when I told you to right?"

I do that too, but I soften it up with other extras, ie; encouragements. I got that part from my dad.

Random kah. Yeah I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Severely annoyed, rimas, and semak, especially so thinking about SSEAYP. Another hellish 2 days, this weekend. Stuff about visa and documents and attires. Fook. Mana nak cari traditional costume. I'm no Halloween freak. Damn.

Another one of my pastel crayon sketches, born out of whim.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

What's for intermission?

Buncho Pastel Crayons

Sesetengah orang memang suka tag. Like a bleeding psychic who can tell I'd rather crap nonsense in point form today than in the usual essay. So thanx :)

From Si Genit Gampang

1. What were you doing 5 years ago?

Should be, in Taman Zamrud, Bear Hill, Malacca in Alpha Management. Oh those were the good days, spirit all fired up, uni was easy peasy, people still underestimate me as just another plain old tudung girl, bad people were bad, nice people were nice, things were simply black and white. Oh minus the dumb cave people who would just get a serious case of stop-and-stare at the sight of me smoking. At around this time I would be pulling an all-nighter talking to Anna, smoking with a nice warm cuppa instant green Nescafe+instant Milo. Yum. Or getting all cloaked up in my lilac colored hospital blanket, sitting on the railing of the balcony, scaring the dating couples on the park's benches. Yeah these were good times.

2. What were the 5 things on your to do list today?

Buka account Maybank. Woot, jakun.
Threading, check
Meeting this person, check
Meeting that person, check
Meething those people, check
Pick up contact sheet and passport, not checked

3. What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?

Choki-choki(Love em so, that friends always buy this as peace offering for their misdeeds)
Cadbury Hazelnut(This too)
Kit kat(There's a memorable firsttime story with this one)
Ritter Sports(or the other way around-- like sex in little plastic wrapper)
Famous Amos Pecan Chocolate Chip(Share?? HELL NO)

4. What are 5 jobs you've had?

Driver cum errand girl cum personal ikea shopper
Interior decorator consultant cum handyman.
Home PC and networking troubleshooting consultant
Tukang promo Champs Emulsion at primary schools
Judge of Knowledge Discovery's State Level Spelling Bee

5. 5 ppl I want to tag


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What now? . . . . I could stay here with you

I'm thoroughly depressed. How can you watch House, MD season 4 finale and not feel such way, after all the previous arcs that carry the same theme. Words and deeds. His actions have consequences, regardless of how he indirectly causes it and refuses to acknowledge it. After Jack Moriarty. A bullet in his stomach didn't make him see it. After Tritter. The troubles that occured didn't make him see it. But has he finally grasp it?

He's the most human, the most honest in this episode, and that last bits of scenes in the end pretty much seals it. Holmes and Watson will never be the same. Can't wait for the next season.

Ahhh drama la kau.

Now I'm gonna need the song from that last scene pula. Sounds like Iron & Wine but I'm not sure.

Today my youngest sister, Setan #5 is sitting for her first paper for UPSR. Resilient little thing, all the best, Nett~!

Okay found it. Ahhah, I knew it's Iron & Wine. If you want it, right-click and save link.

Iron & Wine - Passing Afternoon

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

Clear Cut

Oh yeah, the collapse of the darn uterus wall.


Which means, semua plan berbuka puasa, dan settling stuff like, buat passport, reapply visa, bank-in duit, get new accounts, develop films, keeping appointments with people, must be done during these few days.

Cos I would have my normal, daily, overdosed caffeine intake.

Oh yeaahh.

But still, time to down those Ponstans.

Monday, September 8, 2008

“Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.”

Kepada kawan aku yang tengah boyot, kepada yang sedang mencuba, kepada yang dah memang ada anak, and kepada yang nak over-populate dunia aku dengan the devil's spawns(people who's hobbies are spurting out children and let them run amok annoying the fuck outta me), people with nieces and nephews, and people with adik kecik-kecik lagi.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sick Miserable Cold Day

Iqanabeera, jadi la Tupperware, plastic paling hebat. Great analogy.

Today was supposed to be about doing stuff, going about and settle stuff. But I'm down with THAT infection again. The one that occurs whenever I drank too much sweet liquid, too little plain water, almost no fruit. It hurts like hell, my head spins everytime it hits. This will translate into fever soon enough.

It's a miserable day. I can't read. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. I can't sleep when my feet is ridiculously frozen cold, and all the different beds I try to sleep in, other people's legs I try to warm up to, and every other blankets couldn't warm my feet up, and it was the worst unsettling feeling that's got me in full blown crankiness the whole day.

I'm hungry but I can't eat. The surau held a fast breaking in conjunction with solat hajat for the UPSR/PMR/SPM kids. So everybody's going and no food at home. Serious tak larat nak pergi. So I had bread, when my dad suddenly came back with a plate of chicken rice, complete with a bowl of soup. For me. Ngahaha. Our fathers will always be the one who takes the best care of us no matter how old we are. He rushed home with food, rushed back to surau. :)

Dem, ujian baru bermula.

Picture from P1i, as is the rest of this entry.

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