Saturday, August 30, 2008

Patriotic Attempt #1

Apakah maksud merdeka bagi kamu? I hated these kinds of essay questions in school. Torn between the need to be politically right and stating what I truly believe in. Torn between being honest and getting good marks. Being honest about what you really think, no matter how well you can write it grammatically and vocabulary wise, can still mean shit because they just can't display something that doesn't truly glorify the whole milestones after independence. Tsk. And I'm such an attention-seeker. Tsk tsk. But this year, I think I can say something along the lines of acceptable. Sudah tamat zaman cikgu memanggil aku ke hadapan, memuji karangan aku tapi mengatakan "perkataan ini, ini dan ini tidak boleh dipakai oleh pelajar darjah 6", atau, "you can't write something like this, can't you talk about this issue in a more....uhhh... positive manner?"

It's undeniable that Independence means a lot of things to a lot of people. Back then it was independence from the British colonization. Freedom from being slaves in your own home country. Freedom to decide what is best for ourselves, not decided by policy makers that came from another continent, from other sets of beliefs and cultures. For me it's still all that. Freedom from being slaves in our own country, freedom from being afraid of certain sects of authorities, freedom to decide what is best for ourselves. Without care and rational minds however, this so-called freedom can be abused. It has become common for people to claim discriminations as freedom to defend themselves, defending their rights, defending what little things they have left.

I say, this year, for me, I would like independence to mean, freedom from discrimination. Discrimination from all, by all, to all. To indiscriminate it must come from the heart. To accept that we all have differences, and respect those difference, at the same time, finding common grounds and realize our similarities. It is pointless to want to convince somebody to have the same perspective as yours. Like I said, we came from different wombs, set in different family dynamics, influenced by external factors that varies even to siblings of the same parents, and went through different events in our lives. Even the same events does not translate similar meaning to two people who went through it together. You know, that Rashomon effect is very real. But we must all notice that we're in a deep shit together. So my point is, how can we expect people to think our way, and go on pointless flaming fights repetitively all over the the digital realm? Forums, blogs, and whatshit. One must see, person and individuals, rather than a cluster of people. And I don't mean racially. Well, not specifically. Any kind of preconceived notions we associate with people, just from a first glance. Bear in mind, that most maybe so, as degenerates as we believe them so (ie, rempit), but in any cluster of people, not all are such less than meagre Homo sapiens. So I'm not saying I don't discriminate. We have to some times. I tend to, discriminations are also means of learning from experience. But not the bloody rampant ones, so I practice indiscrimination with caution. Well, not in menyundal cases though. I kiss multiracially, and multigender. Except for the tamak genders one. Shit, this part mesti cikgu tak terima.

Saya dipaksa didera diugut nyawa untuk membuat tag ini. Haha. No lah. This is one of my few, very very few attempts at being patriotic. I don't do flags on car, or watch whatever Merdeka speech, nor do I particularly enjoy the stupid maddening crowds on Merdeka eve. But this is the least I could do? Yeah. Hmmm. Okay start.

*begin copy*
  1. Add your site(s) to the list if you're a proud Malaysian Blogger!
  2. Pass this tag to as many Malaysian Blogger as you know, or if you're interested but nobody tags you, just include yourself volunteerly. Show some patriotism!
  3. Once you've done posting this tag, leave a comment HERE! and you will be visited by a Malaysian local fruit, Mangosteen by the name of Mango! and added to the Master List.
  4. Update list regularly to ensure every Malaysian Blogger gets equal link benefit.
I am a proud Malaysian blogger
1. mangosteenskin - Saya anak Malaysia! 2. Life is too short to be ordinary - Malaysia Tanahair Ku! 3. Sha's Love & Passion - Aku Anak Merdeka 4. A room of crazy scrapper - Merdeka!Merdeka! Merdeka? 5. Fliffy - Aku Patriotik, Sayang Malaysia ! 6. Rizal 7. haniz - Merdeka Forever! 8. Prozak Nation 9. CarolPinky - Proud Malaysian! 10. Mariuca - I heart Malaysia! 11. Emila’s Illustrated Blog - Saya Anak Malaysia juga 12. Simple Life - Sam - Saya Anak Malaysia 13. Shemah's My Sweet Escape - Live, Enjoy and Love.. MALAYSIA! 14. Mariuca's Perfume Gallery - Made in Malaysia! 15. Yani-Tennitodoku-Proud to be a Malaysian-MERDEKA! 16.Bluecrystaldude from My Little Black Pot - Saya Harap Malaysia Terus Maju! 17. Apples of the eyes 18. Snapshotcap - Freedom of choice is made for you my friend :) 19. Anaheus 20.Confessions Of A Breathing Tote Bag 21. A Great Pleasure - Malaysia is a food paradise ~ simply yummy~licious! 22. Mummy HnH - Harith and Hannah - MERDEKA 51st Celebration!!! 23. Shafie - I'm Here For U Malaysia 24. Nessa - Happy 51st Merdeka, Malaysia! 25. marvic 26. Deasya 27. Asian Mutt International 28. Point Blank - Sokonglah Pelancongan Domestik, Malaysia Cantik Indah Nian! 29. Pourpres - Cubaan Menjadi Patriotik 30. *yourbloghere*

*end copy*

Tagging Maggi Mee, Bag Lady, Kambenk Sepet, The Writer, Videl Tak Cute and *insertyournamehere*

Thanks to this tag, I found some great artsy blogs. Sometimes I've had enough with writings, maka these kinda blogs are great. Now I just need to find more like-minded, none poseur photography blogs. Photographers yang tidak serumpun. None wedding photographers. Oops. Itu cerita lain hari.

Happy Merdeka Day people. Play safe, have fun, be awesome, wherever you are, whoever you're with.

Baiburu kanojo no kageki, modanna kanojo no shigeki.............!

I kissed a girl 3 girls and I uhhh... liked some of it. :p

I'm a kissing telling bitch, so screw me. One of my best kisses, is with a girl. Yes, a bartender girl with oh-so-yummey boobies. I will never forget you. Okay I might but I won't forget our tonsil hockey session.

So, 5 girls I'd totally do, taken from The Constantly Dramatic One. Way overdue I know. Better do it before fasting month and before I have to be responsible for my male readers' pahala puasa. Hahaha.

I have a thing for brunettes with striking eyes, be it grey, green, brown, but especially brunettes with striking blue eyes. And oh yeah, African American with striking brown eyes like Michael Michele. But the pictures I found of her can't do her justice. Damn. To die for. So here goes.

Dita Von Teese
She's a burlesque. Have you seen the work she's done? Very very S&M. Very very dirty girl. Super slim waist and yummy boobs, I want nothing more to drive me insane. Oh and the eyes. And spank that ass.

Evangeline Lilly
She has the lips, and her body's so toned. Ruffled up or dolled up, I want to do her both ways. On a beach. Stranded on an island. Or on the rocks near a waterfalls inland. And with Josh Holloway watching. Oh yeah. You might not be able to tell from this picture, but she too has striking eyes perfectly contrasting her brown hair.

My absolute favorite, Zooey Deschanel.
Yeah she's skinny. But again, the hair and the eyes. And she's absolute fun and kooky. I'd have a threesome with her and her sister Emily. I bet she's kinky. And I'd make sure she stares at me with her crazy blue eyes all the way. Ngaaa~

Alessandra Ambrosio
I must have a Brazilian supermodel in here, and it absolutely must be Alessandra Ambrosio. Do you see that waist? Those breasts? Those lips? And her beautiful colour? I feel like licking her all over.

My favorite Asian model, Ai Tominaga.
Yeah she's skinny, but she does have scrumptious boobs. And I can stare at her super long legs all day long. She's exotically Japanese, the edgy kind, not the kawaii crapshit type, squinted eyes and all. And you know I have a thing for squinting eyes. :p

For girls, do take this as a tag. ;)

Friday, August 29, 2008

You can't imagine me being me, you can only imagine you being me

You will not have breathed in vain
Your lackadaisical effort did enthuse
You linger like cityscapes taking a final bow
You're no Lear but still carry me joy

Liquid lovers and flaming friends
Like whisking liquor in a bowl of blaze
Rattles and flickers it delves me in still
For a heart in flames makes little to no sense

If I may ask
Did you beget
Did you lie
Did you forget
Did you cry

Did you sing
Did you whine
Or did you grow a wing
To match that wine

Limping lovers and flailing friends
Like a wet matchstick in the dead winter
If you may, I'll lend an ear too soon
For the livid bruise was all too lucid

The vicarious has yet to comprehend
Why why why they keep on pending
If there's a chance I'll let you know,
In a matter of time, in the manner of a mime

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Knight me the bliss of Ataraxia

Rotoskop si Steven Goh

Peluang datang kiri kanan
But your headphones are too loud
Kau masih lagi stagnant
It hovered and left you proud

Dia intrusive, invasive, unbounded
Dia alpa, lalai, sugul, tidak bersaring
Reeks of noise and annoyance, but I'm confounded
Is it wrong to find her mess endearing?

Kau menyentak anak aberan itu
Kerlingan si penyendeng berbidas
Kering hati ruangnya sebu
Kerana yang kapar masih berkeras

The man I kissed that night
Was impossible to find
Even if he is never out of sight
He runs a marathon in my mind

Bergetar loket tika berkapah
Jari runcingmu menyentap kantuk
Tiada lain mendatangkan amarah
Hanya realiti yang memanggil si kaduk

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bitches in Tokyo

Apparently somebody forgot to pay the internet bills.

I was also away for the weekend with the kind of people I loathe, the kind of people can tolerate, and the kind of people I do enjoy.

Certain crowds make me feel empty. It's like they drain your whole being out of you, but you're left with no reciprocal satisfaction in the end like feeling it's for an effort, or time well spent.

I now realize the fucking value of an SB-600/800/900, more to others than me, but most advantageous to me in the end of the day. Funny how powerful people's perception can be huh.

My left eye is driving me crazy, and I'm this close to breaking my glasses and roam the world half blind.

I may have disappointed a friend, in order to not disappoint another friend. I may have made the wrong choice of who to disappoint and vice versa.

She called me pompuan! And this time I think it's a good sign.

I now realize why they can't look me in the eye. How do you maintain eye contact, when you are undressing me, and doing things to me in your mind?

I can interpret some dreams now.

Maybe if you stop undressing me in your head, we can be friends again, like before.

I'm sorry to the people I snapped at today. I am like a soul in the wrong body at this moment, and I vent by being mean as means of making it fit.

Shit, the left eye is now very red.

Melayu doesn't mean I must have at least a pair of kebaya.

Lacking in transparencies and excelling in euphemisms are traits of the pro-old mentality. Unfortunately, it has spread to the younger set too. I refuse to play your game.

I will get to my resume. I've been, chronically distracted by life.

I can't seem to read the backdated, long posts you guys have because my head hurts when my eye won't cooperate with me. Dem yous.

I know you miss me :)

Captured through the window on a friend's engagement day last Sunday

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Aku agak peduli rupanya

Polar Bear asked.

"What do you think about the plan to allocate 10% for non-bumiputra to gain admittance into UiTM?"

"Whaaa~? There's only bumiputra in UiTM? I never knew that?"

"Duhh, teruk gila you ni. Memang UiTM gitu kot."

"Mana I nak tahu, nobody told me that. No wonder la outcome dia mostly sucks."

"So, what do you think about it?"

"I think it's a good move, competition sikit. Kalau semua kelompok kaum sendiri macam mana nak maju?"

"Yeah, but budak-budak UiTM tengah protes."

"Eh, kenapa nak protes?"

"Yeah lah, something about their hak and keistimewaan orang Melayu tu."

Aiks. Kata tadi bumiputra. Setahu aku yang benar-benar sebenar-benarnya bumiputra adalah golongan pribumi, orang-orang Asli. Melayu ni dapat tempias sahaja, sebab dia sampai dulu dari yang Cina dan yang India saja. Awat depa yang sebok nak protes dengan alasan lagu tu?

Ibu aku risaukan future adik lelaki aku yang malas. I'm absolutely clueless about how else to inspire greatness, so sekarang aku tidak lagi membebel, cuma impose some rules here and there to enforce discipline, serta resort to berdoa sahaja. Regarding the rules, #4 tidak berpuas hati kerana dia yang memang sudah berdisiplin dan rajin terpaksa di'punish' juga kerana kemalasan abangnya. Aku cuba justify.

"It's okay, next year when you have your major exams, everybody else will lose the privileges like you would."

"But by that time Abang would be in university, so #5 saja yang akan suffer my fate now!"

"Your brother? University? With that result? AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH."

Mak aku mencelah.

"Dengar tu, people laugh at the idea of YOU going to university."

"University apa yang nak terima awak dengan result macam tu? Siapa yang nak bagi scholarship dengan result macam tu? You have to buck up man. I don't want you to go to some loser uni. I suggest you get into UIA, paling-paling hina IPTA I'll let you get into pun is UM."

Mak aku bersuara ganggu aku membebel. "Alah, masuk UiTM saja."

"Ah, hell no. Nak mati? Masuk tempat semua Melayu? Sekarang pun dah tunggang langgang studies, apakan lagi dikelilingi orang kat sana? Silap hari bulan jadi rempit saja. Tak payah. Elok-elok he's this good boy akan dirosakkan by that place. Mak tahu yang mereka protes nak allow 10% non-bumi? Macam mana nak maju, kalau tak di bagi challenge sedikit."

"Actually, tak patut la mereka nak buat macam tu. Cina India banyak lagi tempat boleh pergi, biar saja UiTM tu jadi tempat Melayu."

I think I almost toppled over at that. I almost forgot, that my parents are one of those yang adamant about hak orang Melayu and whatshit. Alasan mereka, the Chinese and Indians are already doing so well, it's the Malays that need the help. Jika kita bagi ruang-ruang lagi untuk the non-bumis, the Malays will eventually have nothing left. And the Chinese especially, they are greedy, they will take everything, and not give back to the community, OUR community. So apa untungnya kita bagi can kat non-Bumis semua ni?

Ya Allah. Teruk sangat ke orang Melayu ni, sampai tidak boleh survive langsung if they don't have conditionals that assure them to be on higher grounds?

Bagi aku senang sahaja. Equal sahaja. Mahu the same treatment as Bumiputra? Takdehal, let go of privileges sebagai non-Bumi. Abolish all those segregative measures, such as Chinese schools, or Indian schools and whatshit. All go to the same school, study the same things, in the same language. Tapi aku pasti this one pun akan spark quite the drama, so nobody would dare yet pull this one out of the hat. So this one's for another day.

Why do they segregate so? Kenapa berpegang lagi kepada taktik British memastikan rakyat tidak bangun menentang colonization? Kenapa terlalu berpegang kepada ketuanan Melayu itu?

I probably can never fathom it, tapi aku juga tidak lupa yang asal-usul kejayaan sesetengah Malays are contributed to these 'privileges'. Good one, kamu yang reti take advantage of the privileges, make good use of it, and move on. But how about the rest, yang pemikiran tidak cukup capitalist untuk mengambil kesempatan akan peluang-peluang ini? Tetapi mereka yang pemikiran dan development lebih terbantut, kerana mereka sedar adanya this safety net?

Ah, tak dapat all As pun tidak mengapa, aku boleh masuk UiTM.

Tsk tsk. Nasib baik juga aku tidak tahu hujung pangkalnya UiTM ini menerima kemasukan berlandaskan apa, kalau tidak mesti aku tak mahu belajar sungguh-sungguh di bangku sekolah dulu.

Hey, UiTM ini adalah untuk membantu orang miskin. Melayu yang miskin. Well, nobody says it's gonna stop helping the poor Malays now did we? It's just 10%, 10% brought in to HELP the poor Malays to perform better. Dan cuba kamu fikir, the non-Bumis yang miskin pula bagaimana? Tiada siapa tolong bukan? Mungkin sebab itu they work harder, they save and invest their money better? Mungkin sebab itu they take advantage of every little opportunities they have, unlike that of the Bumiputras?

Tetapi orang Cina tamak. Bagi betis nak paha. Dan bila mereka sudah berjaya kerana mendapat allowances such as these sekalipun, mereka tak akan give back to our community. Mereka hanya akan mengayakan kaum mereka sahaja.

So? What do you expect? Kiri kanan atas bawah mereka diajar yang kerajaan lagi pentingkan kaum Bumi, apa lagi yang mereka boleh lakukan selain dari berusaha sendiri dan give back to their own community? Kerajaan takkan tolong mereka. Kau marah mereka racist? Memang benar mereka racist, memang benar kaum Cina greedy. But it's generations of terpaksa berusaha sendiri, terpaksa bayar cukai tapi tetap tidak punya safety nets the way the Malays have it that hardens them, teaches them to be the kind of people they are. Mungkin kaum Melayu pon patut terima treatment sebegini baru mereka boleh jadi orang yang berusaha keras seperti the Chinese? Lagi patutlah dilucutkan keistimewaan itu kan? Kau marah mereka racist? Mereka yang disegregate in the first place, and you are angry at them for treating you likewise? Kita pula for generations are taught to not worry too much, because kita ada back up, kita ada safety net. Memanglah lemah minda kita. It won't immediately change, it probably would take generations of hardship baru kita akan sedar, dan mula berdiri atas dua kaki sendiri.

Aku bukan entirely sokong non-Bumi. Ada masanya aku realize how greedy they are, and ungrateful yang aku akan point out kepada mereka, be grateful your ancestors came all the way here. Kau rasa apa akan jadi jika your poor ancestors stayed back in the currently over-populated India and China. So kepada yang sudah do well, kaya-raya, aku hanya akan suruh diam dan be grateful tok moyang kau bijak. Now use all that money and help your poor counterparts and not complain too much.

Biar sahaja yang Melayu ini semua hanyut dalam safety net mereka. So-called bantu Melayu konon. Tetapi kalau ada orang miskin yang datang rumah ke rumah meminta ihsan wang, kau mengeluh dan berkerut muka dan menyamar konon tiada di rumah. Kalau ada pengemis approach di tempat kamu habiskan RM 6 untuk kopi-kopi Cina di Kopitiam, berpaling kepala dengan sombong pula. Bila kamu berjalan-jalan di pasar malam dan nampak seorang budak tidak bertangan minta sedekah, kamu buat-buat tidak nampak pula. Mana tolong Melayu miskin kau? MANA?

Kau senang la cakap, kau dari keluarga yang senang. Mungkin benar. Aku tidak layak bersuara kerana I've lived a rather blessed life. Tetapi mari aku ceritakan asal-usul that easy life. Ibu aku berasal dari a big family. Adik-beradiknya 9 orang, datuk aku seorang polis, nenek aku tidak bekerja. Hidup di bandar, tetapi masih susah. Makanan, minuman semua ada kuota, untuk memastikan yang semuanya dapat setimpal. Mandi masih di perigi. Berjalan kaki sangat jauh ke sekolah. Bila datuk aku sudah mampu sedikit baru yang adik-adik dapat kesekolah menaiki bas. Datuk aku sangat menitikberatkan pelajaran. He was very strict. Namun begitu kerana duit tidak mencukupi, kebanyakan adik-beradik ibu aku yg lebih tua tidak dapat belajar tinggi-tinggi. Ibu aku di kira beruntung kerana dia adalah yang #6. Dan aku faham kenapa ibu aku menyokong hak-hak orang Melayu ini di jaga. Dia belajar di MRSM. Dia dihantar JPA belajar di UK walaupun result dia tidaklah hebat. Tetapi yang pentingnya, aku tahu ibu aku memang berusaha separa mati, satu kerana takutnya pada datuk aku, dan kerana ibuku mahu membuat perubahan dalam hidupnya, dan dia reti mengambil kesempatan akan privileges yang tersedia ada.

Bapa aku pula, boleh dikira anak orang kaya(standard zaman itu). Datuk aku dahulu guru besar, kemudiannya menjadi wakil rakyat di Kelantan. Dan kebiasaannya pula, disebabkan Kelantan ditadbir oleh PAS, maka mereka mempunyai kerajaan miskin yang tidak dapat membantu mereka seperti mana negeri-negeri lain mendapat bantuan. Sebab itu semua pun berdiri atas dua kaki sendiri, semua punya perniagaan sendiri. Semua adalah opportunists yang tidak mengharapkan bantuan dan ihsan kerajaan. Semua berusaha sendiri dan bantu siapa mereka boleh bantu. Dan mungkin kerana ini juga racism di Kelantan adalah sangat rendah. Selain daripada semua berloghat pekat yang sama, semua tidak obses dengan ketuanan bangsa masing-masing, semua mengalami masalah yang sama, tidak perlu nak dengki racist dengan kaum lain kerana mereka mendapat lebih. Barely la dapat lebih beb. Bapak aku agak senang hidupnya. Spoiled dan spoonfed la kan. Cuma fortunately, datuk aku bekas guru besar, bekas wakil rakyat yang garang dan lantang. Kalau kau berani jadi delinquent, cuba lah.

So al-kisahnya, bapa aku agak spoilt. My parents studied together in UK sent by JPA, they took the same course, but by the time my mother was done with school and about to go back to Malaysia, my dad was flunking his and was about to change his major and begin his studying years again. Nasib baik bapak aku still the good one. Lihat saja adik-adiknya. Yang dah biasa ditolong dan bertongkatkan duit datuk aku, datuk aku yang sekarang umur sudah 70 lebih, pencen, masih menyara hidup pakcik aku yang bongsu, yang sudah beranak bini. Pakcik aku diberi tanah, diberi kedai untuk diusahakan, dibelikan kereta, dihantar bininya sambung belajar kerana gatal dengan escapism, semua ihsan bantuan datuk aku. Apa hasilnya? Si pemalas yang sekali-sekala tidak malu telefon bapa aku meminta wang untuk beli komputer, PS2 dan handphone untuk bininya yang tidak sedar diri. Si tak malu yang akan pujuk aku tipu bapa aku konon handphone aku hilang, agar bapa aku belikan aku handphone baru supaya dia boleh ambil handphone aku. Pakcik aku yang lagi seorang, juga diberi minimart untuk diusahakan, diberi tempat tinggal, dan walaupun yang ini lebih berusaha daripada yang lagi satu, masih jelas kelihatan tidak cukup berusaha kerana mereka ada safety net. Bapaku si anak sulung, ibuku yang bagaikan kakak mereka sendiri, serta datukku yang tidak akan sampai hati tidak menolong mereka.

Apa pointnya. One point, I'm aware of how these privileges have had helped many poor students, I'm aware juga yang at two different end of the spectrums, people treat that privilege differently. Seorang anggap ianya safety net, that puts a halt to their ability to go beyond what they can be. Dan seorang anggap ianya opportunity to be taken advantage of, and thrive harder and be the best that they can be. The problem is, too many are thinking of it as safety nets, than as leverage to keep them on the same level. I say, 10% is nothing compared to the good it will bring them poorly performing Malays. Dan whatever mengurangkan jurang segregation of Malaysians will eventually be an advantage to us, maybe not in the near future, but of generations to come.

Aku tidak pernah aware akan betapa banyaknya hak Bumiputra as I was growing up. Satu mungkin kerana aku kurang alert dalam kelas during Sejarah Malaysia. Tetapi I've lived my life not realizing the safety nets I have, so I thrive and grab opportunities wherever I can, believing yang me and the rest of the races are on equal grounds. Believing that aku hanya punya diri aku sendiri, nobody's going to help me if I screw up. I thrive to be the best I can be because datuk aku garang pasal education, because being the best means I'll have the best options later in life, because aku rasa aku tidak boleh jadi miskin dan hidup susah, kerana aku tidak tahu yang rupanya kerajaan sangat banyak membantu orang-orang Melayu.

Sekarang rata-rata most companies would prefer hiring graduates from IPTS. One survey was once done back in 2003/2004, I can't remember. Most employers do not want to hire graduates from IPTA, because they do only what is necessary, never more than is required of them. They don't have the required proficiency in English, not trained to be multi-taskers, and doesn't have enough extra skillsets, yet have the gall to ask for lucrative starting salaries. Itu pendapat employers, bukan kata aku.

During YTM scholarship interview back in Melaka, we were interviewed 5 candidates at a time. I was the only one who went to a day school, rather than boarding schools during that session. The interviewer asked.

"Which is the better student, the one who gets 8 As studying in boarding school, or 8As studying in a day school?"

Salah seorang budak sekolah asrama: "Tiada bezanya, kerana SPM itu dimana-mana sekolah pun soalannya sama."

Aku: "Of course, getting 8 As as a student from a day school proves you're a better student, than that of boarding school."

Student lain tersentak dan mula usha panas.

Interviewer tersenyum sinis, intrigue ataupun sudah tahu jawabnya, aku tidak tahu. Dia bertanya: "Oh really? Why so?"

"The boarding school students are so spoonfed. They are in the environment where teachers are constantly around them. They are forced to go to night preps, and disciplined to sleep early rise early. They are given so many help, therefore, they should not get just 8As, they should get straight As. The students from day school are left on their own immediately after the teachers leave the classroom. They have to go to their teachers personally for any extra help, and IF they're lucky, they'll get it. They are the ones who work on their own free time, they are the ones who searched high and low for good tuition classes, they are the ones who did practices on topical books and past year papers while kids from MRSM get leaked question papers from their teachers. They are the ones who do not have fixed study time like the privileged students in boarding schools but are able to manage their own time for such purposes. They are the ones with freedom and distractions, and busy parents that can't monitor them all the time, but realize on their own what they have to do to get what they want, to where they want to be. In the end, in the University, where spoonfeeding wouldn't be as rampant as it was for them back then, the better students are the day school students, who would be more hardworking and resourceful due to the environment they were brought up in."

After a long pause from all the other candidates, arguments ensued. I retracted what I can by saying, not all. But most, and most likely. But I still stand my ground on this, then in that room, and now. So don't start bashing me for this statement. It's only my opinion to show that it's only human nature to strive harder in face of realizing what they can lose, in thinking that they have no safety nets. And kalau dah dasar manusia, semua pun dengki, competition will do good. Use that kekiasuan untuk kejayaan diri sendiri. But that's just what I think. Kalau the students of UiTM dah cukup berbangga dengan pencapaian mereka, dan tidak gusar langsung tentang inability of their graduates to compete with graduates from better IPTAs such as UIA and graduates from IPTS, then go on ahead protesting. Siapa aku nak bersuara kan?

Sebagai seorang capitalist, aku hanya akan marah jika the Bumiputra discount on properties and real estates ditarik balik. Tidak perlu equality di sini ya, aku mahu meraih untung lebih banyak dengan kos lebih rendah. Sekian terima kasih.

Mixed up Habits by Cloverpunk

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I don’t put a smile upon your face no more

Maybe I was too loud
Maybe I was too bad
Maybe I was too open
Maybe I was too high
Maybe I was too fast
Maybe I was too close

Maybe I am still all that.

Aku sudah tidak boleh membaca manga shoujo seperti dahulu. Suatu masa dahulu hiburan ringan yang kelakar, malam ini ia menggelakkan aku.

Tetiba, tidur itu out of the question. Repressed memories kembali. Budak hitam. Budak hitam. Budak hitam. Growing up menjadi antara top students setiap tahun. Ibu kawanku akan memarahi anak mereka, dengan membandingkan keputusan aku dan mereka. Akhirnya aku yang dibenci anak-anak mereka. Mengayuh basikal di tengahari yang panas, menghantar satu persatu beg sekolah 'rakan-rakanku' ke rumah-rumah mereka, sedang mereka pergi berseronok tanpa aku. Balik rumah dimarahi mak, dahulu aku rasa pelik kerana dimarahi sebab menolong kawan-kawan. Petang-petang budak-budak yang lain berkejaran di padang, aku panjat sebatang pokok dan membaca, dan akhirnya apabila aku turun pokok, my slippers were already stolen and thrown into a nearby garbage bin. Wow, primary school was such fun. No wait. Selipar disorok dan dibuang ini happened up till I was 15. One of my good friends now were the one who would hurl his shoes at me if I don't do as he says, in primary school. :)

Being a teenager was even better. Si hitam. Berkaca mata orang tua, and braces for a year. Growing up fat and ugly surrounded by stick thin beautiful friends for all the other years. Siapa kisah result aku macam mana pun? I mope over this? Not really. I retell these stories laughing. Because it is really damn funny.


Cubaan kedua untuk tidur tetap tidak berjaya. Tetiba teringatkan The Bastard. Suatu masa dia mencampak hempas botol Coca Cola kerana aku tak melayannya. Digigit dan dicubit sampai lebam-lebam dan kulit terkupas sehingga berdarah. Geram katanya. Ditampar sehingga kebas atas alasan gurauan. Ditumbuk di tulang rusuk sehingga senak semalaman, kerana aku usik-usik telinganya. Ditumbuk kakiku kerana aku acah-acah mahu menendang. Ditumbuk dadaku, ditonyoh kepalaku kerana aku bergurau kasar di tempat kerjanya. Disepak buku laliku kerana satu gurauan yang went overboard, sehingga aku tempang seminggu. Satu incident, dia genggam jari-jariku together till I can't hold the pen properly for 4 days or light up the cigarette. Terketar-ketar aku pegang rokok, aku katakan because I smoke too much.

It's not a big deal kerana aku juga seorang yang kasar. Tetapi melihatkan reaksi-reaksi chuak sesetengah kawan-kawan apabila mereka tahu lebam di kaki dan tangan aku bersebabkan sedemikian, aku akan cuba terangkan yang kami memang bergurau kasar, walaupun kebiasaannya I would be the one ended up in tears. Dan kebiasaannya, dia juga yang mengurut sengal-sengal dan lebam-lebam sehingga baik. Dia juga yang mencium kelopak mata aku apabila aku menangis kesakitan, as well as apologizing profusely for his mistimed, misbudgeted, misaimed beatings, each time it happened.

Lagipun, aku dah biasa, membesar dengan orang-orang yang bergurau kasar seperti pakcik-pakcik, sepupu, abang aku, dan ditambah lagi training dari si kaki-kaki buli zaman sekolah, dan permainan-permainan kasar aku di padang. I comfort myself thinking that he didn't mean it. It was an accident. I deserve it mungkin. Aku yang cari pasal pun. Cuma, aku akan kecil hati dengan The Bastard kerana sekali-sekala, aku rasa dipukul, tendang, sepak bagaikan dia lupa yang aku ini perempuan, tak sekuat lelaki boleh terima semua itu.

It is a damn funny story huh. Lagi-lagi kelakar, when I remember, at times he was all I had. Because he was the one who would stand the real me, not the facade I put up for family and friends. Dia yang sudah nampak segala buruk cacat hinanya aku dan tetap tidak melarikan diri, well, till now. Padan muka. Padan muka. Padan muka.

Hilarious yeah? You can roll on the floor and laugh now.

Maybe I was too proud
Maybe I was too hopeful
Maybe I was too needing
Maybe I was too crazy
Maybe I was too long
Maybe I was too giving

Maybe I am still all that, I understand why you would want to run off as far as you can.

Chill relax cool relax chill bertenang breathe lek chill cool slamber breathe

The brain's been idle for far too fucking long. I received tasks in correlation to the SSEAYP, requiring my brain to get into motion and it just fucking short circuited. ZZtttztztzt! What the fuck is DG? Youth participation in social activities? Bhagra? Ngajat? Leader for every group? What group? Present the review? What review? Is it so wrong if I don't give a hoot about how to treat the fricking national flag?

AAAAAAAAAAAAA aku benci belia benci dadah!

What the fuck was I thinking? ME? Culture? Ethics? Civics?

Mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati mati

Panic attack datang lagi

Friday, August 15, 2008

Don't wanna leave Mt Helicon yet? It's okay. Go on, dance a little more with Caliope. Kerana Cinta takkan singgah di rumah yang berkunci tak bertuan.

This feels like the worst hangover ever. Minus the nausea. The bleeping maid woke me up. Before 2pm. Kindly she said she would bring lunch up if I want. Yeah ok whatever. Then she proceeded to pester me gently, to immediately get up. If it weren't because the innards of my brain were having their own fireworks competition, I would've screamed my head off and send the poor thing crying like I did to one before. But because I have more respect for her than the previous dumbo who wrecked my clothes and pretended nothing happened, I gave just one stern OK, she shut up and left.

I'm a suspected AB bloodtype, you can't fricking expect me to hop off the bed the immediate second that I realize I'm awake. And I am my most honest self in that few seconds when I'm able to listen and speak on a subconscious level, just a few moments before lucidity came into play. Ask me anything, even I wouldn't know what my subconscious version of honesty would be, and I won't remember it when I wake up, nothing but very vague recollection of snippets from the damned conversation. Ah, if only she knew how lucky she is. To be the only one in this household that's yet to storm out in exasperation from making the mistake of waking me up before I'm supposed to get up.

Ok, point being, severe headache, batshit dry throat and throbbing eye sockets. So bad that my fav dish looks like vile, fermented feces extracted fr om a dog that died ingesting a poisoned rat. It took me an hour to finish eating 1/3 of my meal. Throbbing headache that when I hear my 16 year old sis and her equally loud dumb blondish friends speaking like any other high-schooler gossipping about boys, I blew my top off and screamed at them to fucking keep it down. Motherfucking pissing AB type bitch. So kids, 30 full cancer sticks in 5 hours will not have you waking up a kind, happy bunny. And it is a fucking bitch to fucking update a blog using a miniscule QWERTY keyboard on a P1.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

And DJ, play a song for the Lovers, tonight... Please, play a song for the lovers, tonight

Looked into the mirror
I see nothing but a blur of shape that is me
Black shadows sit where the eyes should be
Another slit of shadow replaces my lips
And long, messy, jet black hair framing the faceless.

As if on cue, I heard the intro blaring through the silver and black metal box.
I turned around, bore holes into the speaker in disbelief, with my half-blinded eyes.
Fuck, did you all know that iTunes came with a bloody psychic?

My smile faded
I know my heart's vacationing on Mt. Helicon
Its inside resembles a certain disheveled apartment
But the nymph is already playing with her hair
So I bit my lips instead, the way you always bit yours
A sudden melancholic breeze whispered..

What if
there was no chance
in this world..
that I can go back
to my Nantes?

Ever again?

The mirror seems to agree
As I stare again
At nothing but the blur shape that is me
At the black shadows that are my eyes
At the slit that is my lips
And at the long, messy, jet black hair framing the faceless.

Decided to kill myself, and now life is beautiful. Like a city looking greener and greener, the smaller it gets out the airplane window.

by Laura Kicey from FILE Collection of Unexpected Photography

mari-mari kita berlari
yang abadi sedang mencari
mari-mari kita menari
yang pasti sedang menanti

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dedicated to [n]. Aku jatuh cinta

Some minds can't stay idle
For imaginations might go rampant
Ravaging what's left of sanity

Coffee, cigarettes and a book
There are days that those are all I need
And I have one in my hand
Descriptively witty it's almost poetic

Melancholic irreverence
Of oldies tunes and crowding feet
Of blasting coldness and busy mouths
Turns out it's not so bad to read here

Pekerja korporat mengisar ceritera
Tentang mesyuarat dan bos yang tidak kompeten
Tentang budaya syarikat yang tidak efisien
Tentang sistem sokongan yang tidak semenggah

I will be ushered into that world
And never have I dread it this much
For that's not the life I want to live
No matter how much it pays

Aku mahu lari ke dunia asing
Buka kedai kopi yang sederhana
Decorated with trinkets in my collections
Dipenuhi hanya buku yang aku suka
Set against photographs and paintings my heart sings to
Berkerusi malas dan sofa yang selesa
Set against poignant quotes from literati of grandeur
Dan jangan risau, smoking is allowed

For purists and elitists alike
For cheating lovers and old couples
For livid imagination and lucid memories
For subdued subconscious and the whimsically euphoric

Aku jatuh cinta hari ini
Dengan lukisan yang halus
Dengan fotografi yang realis
Dengan ayat sedondon fikiranku

In muted colors and black and white
In vibrant kaleidoscope and dead sepias
Aku membeli senaskhah buku
Yang telah kujanji buat sahabat
Kerana hatiku girang

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Flying mortarboards and jumping robes

Aku mulakan dengan harapan
Membuak-buak memulakan hidup
Aku bebas melangkah
Bebas bersuara
Bebas berfikir
Bebas berhandai

Terlalu bebas
Terlalu terbuka
Benakku lesu
Hatiku beku
Senyumku kaku
Mataku kelabu

Aku melukakan
Aku dilukakan
Aku mengajar
Aku belajar
Aku mengingatkan
Aku diingatkan
Aku melupakan
Aku dilupakan

Aku akhiri dengan harapan
Membuak-buak mengakhiri hidup
Aku bebas melangkah
Bebas bersuara
Bebas berfikir
Bebas berhandai

Selamat tinggal
Mintak maaf
Terima kasih
Untuk aku

Dan lebih penting,
Untuk orang-orang yang
Kau ketemukan padaku
Lagi-lagi yang hadir
Di hari susahku
Benarkan kusimpan mereka
Kehari talkin dibacakan kerana aku

Mimpi Terhebat

It was hazy, yet sunny
It was cloudy but too brightly lit
It was windy yet everything stays still
I feel nothing but alive, yet I refuse to get off the grass

It was just by the corner, of my own quaint abode
But never the corner I tread on in halcyon days
It's bigger and greener as it pulls me into its depth
Pulls my limbs in, and my soul delved in soon after

I lie there flat on my back
The sun licking my face
The wind tickles my hair
The grass entangling my fingers

Never have I felt this happy
Such serenity, so close to paved tar
Such comfort, so close to brittle bed
Such bliss, so close to stenched drainwater

I lie there still, too afraid to move
I might ruin this moment, if I shake these grounds
I might lift this fog, sooner than it must
I whisper in vain, to my silent, invisible friend

Dear, can we not get up today, and stay in this ?
Dear, can I not face the world today, just today?
Dear, can you keep this still long enough?
Dear, can you hold my hand, forbid reality from reclaim?

And daylight pulled me out of the dream
Tears in my eyes since then

Every night I talk to my pillow
Tears in my eyes I said,

Please, just let me.
Tears in my eyes I beg

Get me there again.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Weaving Song

Gali-gali korek-korek mencari syiling
Ibu kata pari-pari datang jual ubat
pari busuk tak suka wang kertas
syiling lebih sedap dilempar

Pari nakal jentik telinga aku
'Aku tak mahu syiling Malaysia!'
Ewah, memilih pula dia
'Harus sekali, nanti kau pun mahu pilih ubat kan?'

aku tenung syiling kegemaran
syiling lama dari China
warna tembaga berukiran kanji
berlubang segi empat di tengah-tengah

Nah, syiling kegemaran aku
pari-pari bodoh dan hodoh!
mengilai saja dia bagaikan the Grinch
ubat aku semestinya barang baik!

Wahai si kara yang lara
Harta kau sudah terserah
Hidup kau bagaikan sempurna
Apa lagi ubat kau mahu?

Wahai pari yang buta matanya
yang sempurna itu hanya bermuka
yang berharta itu hanya sementara
biar ubat itu menjadi racun, perisa madu ya

Racun membunuh si ular tedung
Racun mengubat seorang Sylvia
Racun melupa dunia yang fana
Racun membirukan mata hitamku

Kau faham ubat apa yang patut kau beri?
Wahai pari yang jijik

wahai pacal yang hina
aku rasa, aku perlu pulangkan
syiling agung engkau ini dahulu
kerna ubat itu sudah habis stok.

A little heat and I lose some more sleep, A little sleep and a little more heat

Ada sesiapa pekerja Celcom? Bagitau boss kau, it fucking sucks right now. Ape kes kalau aku call orang berkali-kali, tapi dia langsung tak dapat incoming call? Ape kes dia juga call aku berkali-kali, katanya the phone ringing, tapi aku langsung tak dapat incoming call, not even messages saying there were missed calls? Ape kes aku text Mak #2 aku ajak pergi konvo, dia tak dapat pun message? Ape kes aku message pujuk abang aku yang merajuk, when he called back I didn't even get incoming call? Haaa?! Saja je nak mengalihkan kasih sayang abang aku kat adik aku yang #2 tuh kan? Wah wah, mane boleh! Itu abang aku bukan abang dia!!

Tapi misunderstandings cleared. I will have a free semi-professional photographer, who was under the tutelage of Daniel Zain himself on my convo. Ngehehehe. No wonder when I found Daniel Zain I find the name to be very familiar. Sifu abang aku rupanya. And that bastard, he bought himself a 3.8 GHz iMac with 24 inch screen. Itu memang pengguna iMac/Canon yang rasa dia superior. Smug bastard.

Oh termembebel merepek-repek.

Esok akan pergi menyesatkan diri mencari WHY Tailor di Ampang pula. Kemudian menyesatkan diri di Puchong pula untuk jumpa sugar daddy dia mahu tengok presentation skills beta. Then malam will proceed to Kepong after picking my dad up from KLIA. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

There now steady love

By Cecilia Carlstedt

We are not cat-haters. We just came from a family (just mom and gramps actually) who forbids pets, specifically cats. So forgive me, if I know so little of cats, kasi potong, what to feed them, and that famous musim mengawan shit. I have/had one friend who's absolutely scared of it. She jumps every time a cat comes close. I, on the other hand, am not scared of them. Except for the adult ones. They scare me when they stare. I think they're unpredictable. I believe they might just jump and attack.

It starts from years ago when we were kids, my little sister, who's more into cats then I was, chased a male cat and it hid underneath a chair. #2 then proceeded to sticking her head underneath it, trying to grab the cat still, so all I can see was, a kid's body, and a big chair attached to it replacing the head. All the sudden she was screaming like crazy, hands flailing in a madly panicked way. Like any epileptic episode, I was just stunned. Turns out the damn cat was scratching her head. Yeah it was her fault but imagine what I had to see, and how that affected me till years to come.

I do not jump, or run, or anything when them felines come near. But I'll get into an alert mode, ready to run. I will not go 'Tsk tsk tsk alaaa chomey nye dieeee" or "Meh, meh sini" and worse, in the middle of people eating, pick up a stray cat and put it on my lap while the cat's God-knows-where-it's-been-to paws and nose on the table, same level with other people's food. Wow. And I am called insensitive.

But after Molat, I am more approachable. No I will not touch it. But I'll give them food. Because sometimes that's all they want. If it's in it's catwoman gedik mode, I'll shove you over to my friends, who would gladly accommodate to you the way they wish their boyfriends would do them.

Looking at how protective and motherly some people are towards their cats, I've always thought that cat people are a little kooky. Yeah I get that it's your baby. Whatever. But it's still a living, breathing animate object that's bound to die, so why add another heartache?

One fine day I had to help my cousin bring her cat to the vet. Because the cat got involved in some gang fight. Spoilt brat, suck it in dude. But hey, its mama worries about the poor thing. So I was the bothered one, finding my way in KJ, looking for a vet that she doesn't have clear directions to, and name she can't remember. And the goddamnfricking cat just won't can it, it kept on meowing probably because of the way I drive. Every time it meows, my cousin will reply.




"Ye sayang..."


"Ye dah nak sampai ni..."

............... (o_O) ..................

Okay, there are cat lovers, and there are crazy people.

"Kau sorang je ke kat rumah?"

"Hak ah, kalau kucing aku ade, dua orang lah."

It's not orang, stupid!

"Kau tau, tadi dia pergi dating ngan awek dia, dia pergi rumah awek dia amek dia, lepas dating, sweet gila dia siap hantar balik awek dia."

Like the cat's got a motorcycle where he can pick up and drop her off. Uh-huhh.

At one point, my cousin got off the car to ask people for directions. And left the fricking cat in the car with me.




"Diam ah! Kau ingat aku suka ke pusing-pusing dengan kucing bising dalam tengahari buta panas nak mati ni ha?!"


"Ok ok sorry, aku tau kau pening, sekejap je lagi sampai la, sabar sikit boleh?"


And it shut up.

Fuck, I'm crazy.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Fucking give up

Black and White by alz3

You fucking moron. You fucking piss me off. I hate being fucking pissed off. I hate myself, this fucking angry. And you fucking made me feel guilty trying to do what's fucking right for you. I'm fucking trying to save your fucking ass you fucking idiot. You fucking try to care about a person and he blows it in your fucking face. I'm fucking trying to save you you fucking moron. You may go on being a fucking failure, I'm not gonna fucking bail you anymore. You deal with your fucking shit, you fucking deal with her on your own from now on. I have always been on your fucking side. Yeah so I'm fucking sorry I had to hit you and scream my fucking head off. But you fucking deserve it, and that's the last time I'm fucking helping you from worse fucking hell than me.

Maybe I need to realize my place, that is, not to save your fucking lame, selfish, ungrateful ass. Maybe I should've just understood and step back, let somebody else deal with you. Let you fucking deal with it on your own. Not be the bad cop for once. Yeah, you fucking deal with that.

Fucking moron.

Marilah mengimport puisi dari yang lama ke yang baru ini

Satu kala dahulu, ada seorang kawan bercerita, tentang pengalaman bercrush. I don't typically have crushes. Aku crush on Xperia X1, iPhone 2.0(mobiles), Sanzo, Kenshin, Soujiro, Daisuke dll (manga/anime), Morpheus, Artemis, blabla(books), movies(banyak sangat), M6, CLS 55 AMG, Ferrari 360 Modena F1 Spyder, Bentley Continental GT Diamond, ah well, tak perlu nak emphasizekan lagi betapa materialistik dan superficialnya aku, tapi let's not lie. Curves dia aesthetics. Siapa tak suka benda cantik kan? Tak payah la hipokrit. Ah, ADD sungguh. So pengalaman bercrush. Memula jatuh cinta.

"Best tau, bila kau dah start flirt-flirt, pastu cam ko cam tgh gila fikir, dia suka aku ke tak ni? Ishk macamane nak buat ni? Apa dia buat hari ni? Dia keluar dengan siapa? Perempuan ke? Asal dia online tapi tak buzz aku?"

Okay, exaggerated, tapi malas nak buat conversations of different sessions with other people juga. Tapi, uhh... best? Aku yang Maso ni pon dengar tak rasa best. Something wrong ngan aku kah? Macam seksa tak senang duduk saja. I know, sebab a few years ago ada one moment lapse of insanity and aku terdevelop crush pada orang yang tak sepatutnya. Biasalah belum reti separate the physical dan emotional lagi waktu itu. Bukan setakat tak senang duduk, agak sengsara. And aku tak boleh jawab soalan tu. Sebab somehow kalau ada something going on dengan people, aku skip banyak step, and somehow semua feelings tu tak cross my chest. Logic tak?

Yang aku rasa bestnya, adalah seperti ini. Typically ini Step 1 dalam crushing bagi semua orang.

Eh, bestnya ada orang boleh dengar aku membebel bila no one else cares.

Eh bestnya dia pon suka benda ni.

Ah bestnya, dia sangat-sangat bijak.

Ah bestnya, English dia lunak, accent dia sedap, vocabulary dia vast(in a non-berlagak poyo way).

Eh bestnya, menarik, tak pernah aku tengok orang makan benda itu macam ni.

Ah bestnya, comel gila suara dia gelak.

Ah bestnya he's hilarious.

Ah bestnya, dia jealous aku kiss/peluk/tidur/lapdance/*insert sensitive indiscretions here* dengan jantan lain.

Ah bestnya, dia tahu inside joke Calvin and Hobbes!
(so this is tipu, sebab kalau ada yang sama cinta C&H macam aku, aku dah kauk dan simpan the poor guy in my pocket).

The obsessing part that comes afterward? Step 2. Bila sudah sangkut. TAK BEST. Cukup sekali rasa. The Bastard tak berapa dikira sebab Step 2 ini datang selepas aku dah dapat dia. So tak ada obsess mane. But kita tengah cakap pasal normal relationships okay. The boy meet girl, girl meet boy crap shit ones. Sebab tuh aku skip a few steps ke step 5 or 6, or 7, or 10, baru the good parts. Lepas tu aku skip lagi, step 3, 4. Merajuk, memujuk, dipujuk. Aku tak reti pujuk. Dots don't connect here. Aku hanya reti say sorry, manja, gedik dan kemudian aku kerek-kerek semula. That's how we, The Setans roll. And that's not always everybody's currency. Skip steps 8 and 9, memarahi dan dimarahi. Kalau tak hit home, biasanya aku tak bother. Dan menjadi kepantangan kalau good mood aku dipotong oleh orang yang sedang bad mood. Misery kan loves company, so aku pun diheret ke gaung mereka sekali. Snap. Tapi sini masalah sikit sebab aku manja dan spoilt and has a very serious superiority complex. Kau rase diktator kalau kena marah apa jadi? Fascism dan massacre lah pun kan. :p

So uhmm, my way tak normal kah? Not in this day and age really, who's to say what's right or normal anyway. Tapi bukan semua boleh terima. This is why things tend to become complicated. Menyesal? Tak sangat. I rarely regret things. All roads kan lead to Rome. Kenapa mahu regret? At least aku cuba skip the leceh parts? Go straight to the fun parts? Ignore the irritating parts? Tapi itu bukan cara that was decreed, so kalau kau menentang arus, dan tidak hiraukan the norm, mungkin tidak sampai, atau badan kau lebam dan lenguh by the time sampai. Tetapi kalau mengikut arus yang deras, mungkinkan kita terlanggar batu along the way? So sama-sama sakit juga. Tapi adakah kau akan rasa puasnya triumphing against all odds?

Note. Triumph di sini is open to interpretations, ya know what I mean?

Of course you do.

Ini bukan cerita bercinta. Atau menyundal. Well, mungkin lebih kepada penyundalan, kerana aku mahu all the good stuff and none of the bad. And we all know when bad things start to happen.

Monday, August 4, 2008

You dropped a coin into the sea, and shout out "Please come back to me..."

From the FILE Collection of Unusual Photography

Bila malam tiba kukatup bukumu
Yang berpuitiskan coretan si dia yang rapuh
Aku suakan dan kau geleng,
Simpan saja senak itu
Jejak si dia bukan di kertas putih
Tapi terpena di lubuk hitam

Dan kau panggil dirimu lelaki?

Lantas kau hulurkan kembali
Cincin si dia
Yang telah aku kuburkan
Aku terpana aku terkesima
Bagai darahku dibawa ribut
Jantungku lupa rentak
Lututku kata gugur saja!

"Kau dalami tasik, untuk sampah ini?"

"Kerna dahulu ia harta hati kau?"

Aku mahu peluk, kucup dan cium
Aku juga mahu tampar, menjerit dan memaki
Kerana kau tetiba dungu
Dia sudah mati
dan kau tiada jiwa lagi

Tiada makna, tak berbaloi
Dan si buku menemani si cincin
Bersamalah kamu yang ranap
Di dasar tasik yang malap

Hati melewat yang dungu
Hati cuba memilih
antara kucupan dan tamparan
Kerana kecamuk ini perlukan daratan
Dan seperti yang sepatutnya
Tangan aku ringan.

Mahu tahu mengapa?
Kerna kau bersangkal sangka
Melesi hati mengeji erti
Menaruh diri di tingkat tinggi

Aku akan simpati
kalau bukan kerna tawar hati.

Friday, August 1, 2008

The Zookeeper's Boy

I bought a pair of shoes. Tidak perlu sebenarnya, tapi alasan konon matching dengan baju kebaya untuk konvo. Sebab sebenarnya adalah kerana ianya hot. The kinda heels you wear to a friend's wedding at a hotel, then go home and fuck your boy with just the shoes on. *drools*

Too much yang aku mahu cerita, tapi we have to pick our battles kan. Semalam aku berpuasa. Kemudian aku pergi lunchdate sama Lahlink ku, di KFC Petronas USJ. Agak terliur, lebih-lebih lagi dioffer belanja courtesy orang sudah berkarier. Tetapi aku agak cemerlang menahan nafsu. Alhamdulillah. Kenapa pergi lunch kalau berpuasa? Nak lepak dengan orang busy begitulah, kata rindu kan?

Seterusnya jumpa Britpack #1, he's taking me to see my potential sugar daddy. Menjadi buruh kasar la juga, naik senak perut aku naik turun 3 tingkat mengangkat barang. Apparently, I made a good first impression. He called later at night saying that he wants to send me on a trip to Sabah and Sarawak, choosing me over a more experienced, adamant person. I can't confirm yet because I'm not sure if I have a liaison in Sabah and Sarawak. Maka Pearlicia, if you're reading this, I need you to contact me ASAFP!

Malam semalam my mom's corporate AMEX was expiring, and there was RM100++ lagi left to use, maka me, Mama Setan, lucky Britpack #1, Setan #3, #4 and #5 had our dinner at Coca Steamboat. I call these over-indulging session as Upacara Makan Macam Babi. Stuffing ourselves like crazy. Balik rasa macam mahu muntah. Tsk tsk.

Britpack #1, Setan #1, Setan #4, Setan #5

Today, early morning, gerak ke Taman Len Sen di Cheras, untuk menunaikan tanggungjawab pertamaku kepada sugar daddy baru. With minor kesesatan, we somehow managed to arrive on time, me and Britpack #1. I was scared shitless memula. Al-maklumlah, this is my FIRST job ever, selama hidup sepanjang 23 tahun ini. And you know, I think if don't need the money, I would've done this for free. Absolutely.

Who would've thought, the anti-children, the one who thought that children should be banned from public places in weekends, the one who thinks that ibubapa must go through parenting classes, religious classes serta pass ujian dan mendapatkan lesen untuk mebuat anak, aku yang rase kuantiti populasi kanak-kanak harus di ration kerana it's very irresponsible to have kids anymore in this day and age, aku yang mengherdik budak di shopping mall kerana dia bermain near the escalator, aku yang hulurkan kaki aku dan hampir trip a boy kerana dia berkejaran di dalam surau tatkala aku cuba mendengar khutbah raya, had so much fun working with children? Kamu patut lihat mereka, curious, eager, helpful dan crazily seeking attention, serta senang dihiburkan. This species is way more fun to talk to than adults. It's crazy tiring, dan setelah aku jauh dari bangunan sekolah I need a fucking cigarette like crazy, tetapi I had fun.

One Indian boy called me Aunty. Rasa macam nak pitam sekejap.

SK Sri Anggerik, Taman Len Sen.

"Aunty, aunty, nak lagi boleh?"


"Ye, aunty."


*not noticing the threatening tone* "Kenapa, aunty?"

"KAKAK LAH! I have a 12 year old sister tau. I'm not that old."

*muka terkejut*

Sabo je lah.

Yang panggil aku aunty adalah budak row blakang, kanan sekali.

SK Sri Saujana, Bandar Sri Petaling.

"Eh budak kecik, nak tolong angkat-angkat barang tak?"



"Eh, nama awak dengan awak sama dengan nama kakak punya adik lah."

"Ye ke, nama penuh saya N** N***** N*****."
(tak tanya pun)

*seorang lagi menyampuk* "Nama saya nama artis!" *sambil tunjuk pada name tag*

"Oh hak ahhh!" (lakonan je, mane aku tau Farah Wahida tuh siapa)


"Siapa nak tolong akak susun cawan-cawan ni?"

7 pasang tangan shot up. One boy arranged it TOO neatly, aku rasa aku boleh lihat Monk atau Monica or Ju-On in the making.

Yang sangat tersusun tu obviously bukan kerja aku

Future Monk/Anak Ju-On yang telah lama hilang

And kanak-kanak ni spontan posing nak diambil gambar. Mereka suka tengok kamera besar. Walau aku tidak mengambil gambar pun mereka akan request gambar mereka diambil.

Britpack #1 handling Q&A session.

Aku snap je gambar ni dia bangun dan duduk dengan tersipu-sipu, terasa malu. Haha.

Budak pra-sekolah yang menempel nak jugak free sample, semua sangat berbakat buat muka minta simpati

Haha. I had so much fun. Esok pula akan ke Seremban. Damn. Baru hari tu mengutuk orang N9, memang Tuhan bagi cash, aku kena menjadi judge untuk some spelling competition di sana. Belum apa-apa sugar daddy baru sudah complain tentang how hard it is to deal with them N9ers. Harapnya kekanak dia tak sound aku direct, "Ekau ni bodo benor!" Aku piang telinga sampai putus.

Aku perlukan my own partner untuk sambung buat kerja ini. Maka jika kamu rasa you're gonna enjoy working with kids scampering around you like they just had a jar of sugar, serta boleh terima heavy lifting yang tak seberapa, dan adalah plus point jika you have a good sense of direction, contact me. We'll talk money. Aku juga perlukan partner berlokasikan Sabah dan Sarawak, yang boleh beri aku accomodation dan juga transportation di sana.

*Ju-On refers to one of my friends. Kambenk Sepet tahu siapa.

German Love

Yesterday, I sent my cousin to Shah Alam's bus station, dia mau rendezvous sama itu boyfriend di Penang. Shah Alam Bandaraya Rempit, memang buat aku panas sekejap. Kaum yang aku paling tak boleh tolerate, yang kadang-kadang aku harap akan ada mad trailer like the one in Dark Knight yang would just flip over and land on them. The whole lot of them. Biar mati semua dan awek-awek mereka sekali. Orang-orang yang tak respect personal space, dan cuba pick up chicks by eavesdropping conversation orang kemudian menyampuk. Rasa cam nak cut off them balls dan feed them to the hyenas. There was this fat but very cute girl in baju kurung there, and I saw the faces and jeering they made over her fatness. Rasa cam nak flip the chair over and rodok their puny dicks. Kemudian we had to teman the cousin for like half an hour, maka duduk di kedai makan. Bukan nak cakap apa lah, tapi perlu ke kekanak UiTM ni dah keluar kampus pun dengan bangganya tayang uhh, panamaa, matric card tuh? Like okay, you're a student there. Tak heran pon. Poyo gila! >:p (By the way ini ayat cousin aku yang sendiri merupakan kekanak UiTM, aku kan tak observe orang.)

Okay out of the hellhole that is Shah Alam, went home, had a couple of chats, then proceeded to hanging out with Pole with Boobs, one of my oldest friend; since Primary 1. Seperti biasa, diarrhea of the mouth, then we went to Subang Parade for a meet up with his ex. He's a fun friends' boyfriend/ex-bf, the kind that you don't need the girlfriend/my friend to be there pun we can get along so well. After a long bahan-membahan session in regards to Kelantanese, Kedahan and them damn N9ers, he talked about being with his childhood friend, who is currently his gf.

Childhood friend? Menjadi gf? Eww. I can't imagine it happening to me. Imagine me and one of the Shorties, or the Britpacks? They are like my brothers. Incestuous sungguh. Even Si Jambu, we used to play together when he lived near my house, even if we did lose touch for years till we finally meet again in MMU, hell no! GELI. It's Si Jambu weyh.

So that was about Wednesday. I have a busy day ahead, maka sampai sini sahaja berita hari ini. Saya Farid Ismet melaporkan untuk RTM 1.

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